Great questions. Here’s the truth. If kids fight over who “get’s you” then it’s a ploy. Also, most kids do not require nearly as much “lovin” as they might lead their parents to believe. I suspect they might be tapping into your sense of “guilt” (it really is okay that you are working and I promise if you set the guilt aside the kids will experience their mom as available, connected, cool, hard working, loving and independent - all good things). They can sense the doubt in you when they start clinging and then they play off of each other.

Try this. First, get really comfortable with the idea that some really focused time with each child is all they really need AND that you do spend quality time with them when you are around.

Second - as soon as their is the first sign of “nudging” put both the girls down and walk away. Don’t say a thing about it. Just move. Remember, with kids, actions speak - mouths make noise.

Third - Continue with this until the girls start to feel you get up and quiet down on their own OR let you go because really, they have had a good dose of you.

In actuality, kids will come in, get a hug, a kiss, a snuggle, go back to their lives, come back in for a quick connection. This will go on all day. It’s the in-and-out cycle and it’s a healthy one. So that is what you are going for.

Give it a try and let me know how it goes.

Thanks,
Vicki

Thanks for your comment.

Here is the example I use in class to illustrate the difference between Praise and Encouragement

- If your child comes home with an A on a report card, praise sounds like this

- I am so proud of you
- You are so smart
- Let’s call Nana and Pop and tell them all about it
- Maybe we should talk to the teacher about putting you in a more difficult class
- You are so smart

If that same child comes home with a D - praise sounds like - Nothing.

With Encouragement, whether the child comes home with an A or a D, the parent can say

- Tell me about the grade?
- What did you learn about yourself?
- What would you do differently if anything?
- What was easy about this?
- What was difficult about this?
- What can I do to support you

In a nutshell - Praise is about depending on external feedback, and Encouragement is about developing and trusting your own internal feedback.

In the Parenting On Track program, we teach parents to replace Praise with Encouragement, which is harder then it sounds. Not only is Encouragement more rewarding for both parents and kids, but it teaches children to look inside first, to self assess, to trust themselves, to self correct, to take responsibility, to soar….and that is what I think most parents are trying to do when they praise.

I could say so much more about this topic, but I will leave it at that.

By the looks of your site, you are probably very familiar with the power of Encouragement, but thanks for asking.

I am enjoying your website and articles. Your point of view in this article, “Impress the Parent - Fight a Sibling” is refreshing. I think most parents would answer “Yes” to your subtitle questions.

Your strategy solutions caught my eye. I have a question. Why do you suggest # 3? The “Comment - don’t praise” is the part I’m wondering about. I’m sure you have a good reason not to praise kids when they are doing something positive. What is it? I’m open and curious.

With warm wishes,

Jean