I’ve been reading a lot on the web lately about punishment. People want to talk about spanking, or “consequences that work,” or ways to get your kids to behave. What we know is that punishment, spanking and punitive consequences DON’T work. Consider this recent New York Times Magazine article which remarked on this,

“A recent study found… (p)arents who resorted to yelling or spanking were far more likely to say their disciplinary approach was ineffective. Given that parents often don’t admit to yelling and spanking, the study probably underestimates how widespread the problem of ineffective discipline really is.”

For more information see the link to the Parker-Pope article below.

Why are we stuck?

So, if we all agree that traditional discipline methods are not effective, to say nothing of how lousy they make us feel, then why are we still going back to them time and again? Because it’s easier? Because we’re frustrated? Or, maybe it’s because we simply don’t know what else to do?

After working with parents for over 20 years, and raising 5 children of my own, I strongly believe that 99 times out of 100, parents are doing the best they can with the information that they have. And it is because of a lack of new information that so many parents go back to those old discipline methods which are not only ineffective, but also pull everyone down along with them.

So, I am going to give you some new information in order for you to put aside any mistaken notions you might have about discipline and move forward with some new ideas on building relationships.

Okay, I’m ready for some new information.

In many cases, traditional discipline strategies don’t work because children have figured out that it is much easier to get your attention by misbehaving. It’s as simple as that. Children have learned that if they misbehave, you stop what you are doing, and then you pay attention to them through time-outs, lecturing, yelling, spanking or whatever it is you do to punish.

Now that you know this, you might be thinking, “Okay, then what do I do?” One thing you can do is to pay more attention to your children’s “useful” behavior. Stop what you are doing, whether it’s talking on your cell phone, watching the football game, or making dinner, and pay attention to your child when they are playing nicely, sharing with their siblings or helping set the table. Show them, again and again, that their “useful” behavior is worth your time and energy, and you will begin to get more of the useful, and less of the useless.

The Parenting On Track™ program is firmly rooted in these types of positive, relationship-building techniques, and our multi-media Home Program can take you step by step through the ins and outs of putting aside ineffective discipline strategies and focusing on moving your family forward.

Let’s put an end to the debate about spanking – it has gotten way too much air time in my opinion – and instead talk about parental involvement, empowerment and teachable moments.

“It’s Not Discipline, It’s a Teachable Moment,” by Tara Parker-Pope, New York Times Magazine, Sept. 14, 2008.