Members’ Online Forum

Forum Example 1 - Do Nothing Say Nothing

Question:

We are in day 4 of do nothing, say nothing. 2 sons, 8 and 6. Fumbling our way through, but determined to give this a solid effort. Very interesting so far . . . Positives: immediately less stress in the house, dramatic decrease in fighting between kids, kids seem to know the basics of what needs to get done in the morning and evening routines, but get easily sidetracked with computer/tv and then decide to “just skip it” — like breakfast, homework, bathing, cleanup . . . Not so Positives: bedtime, too much tv/computer. older son is just determined to stay up as late as possible and to take over all electronic devices, younger son trying to keep up (although he made is own choice to go to bed earlier last night). I am sensing that my older son is enjoying the feeling of being up later with the adults and maybe needs to have a different bedtime expectation from my younger son? Maybe we are noticing that my older son is ready for more responsibilities/priviliges than my younger son and that he needs us to recognize that?
We have tried to frame our responses to the kids’ “can we”, “will you” with “you will have to make a choice about that . . . ” this seems to work well. They seem to be actually taking some ownership of their choices.

We have definitely been impressed by our sons’ abilities! but also see definite ares needing attention. We are mostly wondering where to go at the end of week 1. We will tune into the week 2 dvd, but while we are working on”buttons”, should we be doing some kind of processing with them about this week? We have asked them questions along the way, and have “wondered” with them about how some of their choices have felt. Do we put some rules back into the bedtime routine? How? I’m afraid of slipping into my role as dictator (my older son is like the energizer bunny, but his attitude and personality definitely suffer from lack of sleep . . . )

Thank you so much for this amazing program. I feel truly empowered and supported in the way I would like to parent for probably the first time since my kids were born!

Answer:
Good Morning and Welcome.

Isn’t is amazing how much information you can gather in just a few short days when you stop – look – listen.

Here are a few thoughts.

1. Read – http://flockmother.wordpress.com to get a sense from another parent who is using the program as it was designed. If nothing else you will find inspiration, comic relief, and a sense that most parents are asking the same questions and struggling with the same things you are. There is nothing like a non-judgmental community to keep us moving towards our goals. Remember to go back to the beginning of her journey.

2. The truth is, for the remainder of your relationship with your kids, you are going to try and Do Nothing – Say Nothing as often as possible. Yes, things will remain messy for several weeks, but I think you can already feel how significant the change will be when you finally move past the “mess” stage – and trust me, you will.

3. Identify the one or two areas where you think a conversation is in order. Bedtime perhaps – AND it might sound something like this -

“I have noticed lately, that you may be ready for a few extra privileges and I am wondering if we could find some time to talk about a new bedtime for you.”

Remember that this is the first time for BOTH of you so be very clear before you start the conversation what you can live with and what you can’t, how you are going to come up with agreements, how you are going to follow through etc. Otherwise, you are correct, you will revert to your old ways – I, after 20 years, am always on alert as it is fairly simple for me to revert back.

4. Continue onto Week 2 where you will again, spend most of your time noticing and learning about yourself. Make sure you are using the Reflection pages to write down what you are learning about yourself, your children and what changes you are going to be making. This will prove to be valuable info in a few weeks.

5. I think the way you are asking questions and inviting choices is fabulous. Remember that the kids are new at this so they will need your support. When they stumble and fall and backslide, they will need you to tell them it is okay, that life is about practice and what’s important is what they learned.

6. And finally – Keep Writing. That is what I am here for and this is truly one of the best aspects of my job.

Keep me posted.

Be Well
Vicki

Forum Example 2 - Buttons? What Buttons!

Question:

I have been working on my homework. I am able to identify the activating events that get me directly to the end of my rope. The hurdle I encounter is the disputation. I am having trouble writing a new plan so that I don’t find this event(s) continuously irritating. I keep trying to figure out solutions instead of changing my personal story about kids who hurt each other. When writing a new story am I supposed to eliminate the stigma I have with children who…. and parents who raise children who…. and focus on changing my response to the behavior to one that is more beneficial to my relationship with my children? With that in mind, the only response I can come up with would be to be closer to them as they play so I can be more aware of how their play escalates into aggression and attempt to catch them before they get to the point of hurting each other and coach them into a new pattern of getting what they want from each other. I feel like that is not on track with the assignment. Where do I stand?

Answer:
Good gut instinct. HMMM more involvement, I think not.

I have to say congrats for diving deep into this assignment. It could be one of the most profound strategies available for parents in making life long shifts in thinking and therefore acting.

Try this - New Story - I believe that children who “hurt each other” are really learning how to define the pecking order within the house, learning where their tolerance thresholds are, connecting in some strange way to each other, learning about how to get what they want, etc. If in fact they are doing all of those things and not INTENTIONALLY trying to hurt each other, what could I do as their mother, outside of their hurting each other to teach them about those other “things”.

This will give you a chance to refocus your energy and begin to TEACH them outside of the experience of them wacking each other. Now remember, this is a slow shift in both thinking and acting. Slow for you and slow for them, so set some milestones for yourself so you can track your progress.

Use your roadmap to create a “mini” goal – 3 months from now my kids will spend only 20% of their time bothering each other and 20% more time playing well together. This will let you know that you are moving in the right direction.

Hope that helps, if not, fire another question my way and we will keep at it until it feels right to you.

Vicki

Forum Example 3 - Will you Help Me?

Question:

We have been dealing with some tough behavior from my 4 yr old. He just doesn’t listen! I watch other children and I know part of it is his way of getting my attention - I realize that in his view any attention is good whether it be positive or negative. I am aware that this is an adjustment for him and I understand that but I can’t be constantly telling him to stop doing things or allowing him to do things that the other kids can’t.

I find myself either aggravated with him or giving in to him. For example he climbs up to get food from the cupboard or to get a DVD so he can watch his movies. If he is told no, he gets upset and will say things like; get away from me or I don’t like you mommy. He has even thrown toys to get my attention. My issue is I know some of the behavior I can ignore but there are times when he can’t climb because of safety issues or help himself to snacks whenever he likes. I am having a hard time trying to apply the strategies we are using with him.

Answer:
I’m giggling. Oh those 4 year olds. Parents so often want to jump in with some discipline strategy which will only make things WORSE. This is a chance for you to observe, practice with the older kids, ignore as often as you can and keep asking yourself this one question

WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR MY SON TO LEARN TO LISTEN?

WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR MY CHILD TO DECIDE TO COOPERATE?

WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR ME TO FOLLOW-THRU WITH WHAT I SAY?

WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR US AS A FAMILY TO CREATE AGREEMENTS THAT WE AL LIVE BY?

Spend some time thinking about this and soon you will start to notice possible solutions that you didn’t notice before.

NOTE: If it is morally or physically dangerous - intervene immediately.
Vicki

Forum Example 4 - Willful Three Year Old

Question:
In the mornings when our family is getting ready my three year old will sometimes ask if she can watch t.v. Every once in a while when we tell her it’s not a good time to watch, her answers is “too bad I’m gonna turn it on any way” and she does. Now what? Do we just ignore her and ask her older sisters to stay focused on getting ready and not the t.v and then tell her no the next time she asks to watch? Do we walk in and simply turn it off? How do we keep this from starting our day in the rabbit hole? Last time this happened we ignored her and she had a hard time changing channels and then turned it off.

Answer::
Anytime you answer a young child with something that sounds like

“This is not a good time to watch TV” you are asking for trouble. It doesn’t make any sense at all to her. In fact, it is the PERFECT time to watch tv. She isn’t the problem. The problem is, there are no agreements, she has too much time on her hands, she hasnt’ been trained that if she gets everything done, she could watch tv, AND when it is time to go she turns off the tv without a fuss.

Easy as pie.

Try that.

Vicki

Forum Example 5 - Praise or Encouragement

Question:
Ok, today my son got dressed all by himself without asking for help (not even once!). I, of course, wanted to encourage this behavior so it becomes a daily occurrence and started saying…’You did it!’ and ‘thanks for getting dressed on your own’.

My husband heard me and, after having recently listened to the Encouragement MP3, commented to me that I was using praise and might want to reconsider my choice of words. Now, after a little reflection, I agree, my comments may not have been encouragement, but I’m thinking they aren’t really praise either.

Actually, now that I’m writing this, I’m not sure about any of it…I think I’m thinking too much, but would love a little feedback on whether or not my comments fall into any particular category and if I should adjust my wording.

As always, thanks for the helpful insight!

Answer:
Hi,

Here is how I judge whether I am still encouraging or whether I am right on the edge of praise.

1. If they have done something more than 3 times, no need to comment anymore.

2. If you are going to comment, do so in the Family Meeting under appreciations and be specific about how their taking ownership of this skill makes your life more pleasant.

Try that. Vicki

Forum Example 6 - Do Nothing. Say Nothing.

Question:

All 3 of my kids have started to do things to annoy each other or to interfere with each other. Some examples - One will be trying to take a picture and the others will wave their hands in front of the lens. Or one will be yo-yoing and the other will reach her foot out to tap the yo-yo.

They do a more passive version too - one will start to hum loudly and when one of the others asks them to stop they will just hum more softly - and it escalates with the one saying they have a right to hum and the other saying “I asked you to stop!’.

In the car when the child in the back bench of the van needs to get out, the one in the forward bench will complain ‘you’re getting your back pack in my face STOP’ and the one getting out will say ‘Move your feet! I can’t get out!’

But the point is that neither of them are doing anything to facilitate the situation. They stick to their position that they have some entitlement to be able to hum or to be able to sit in their seat in the car and not have to move.

How do I get them to support each other and work together more??

Answer:
This is an easy one. There is only one answer.

Family Meetings.

First, decide to handle the situation yourself and what ever solution you come up with, make it totally unreasonable. I mean really unreasonable.

No tv, telephone or social activities for 60 days. “WHAT?” they yell. You inform them that you have had enough. If they are going to act uncivilized, then they give up all their privileges. They will complain, you suggest the problem board and you solve it at the next family meeting.

Now, if you aren’t having Family Meetings, you aren’t seeing the natural results that include more cooperative kids, kinder kids, kids who figure out the agreements are going to stick and start working together.

Give it a go and let me know what happens.

Vicki