Members’ Online Forum

Forum Example 1 - Buttons? What Buttons!

Question:

I have been working on my homework. I am able to identify the activating events that get me directly to the end of my rope. The hurdle I encounter is the disputation. I am having trouble writing a new plan so that I don’t find this event(s) continuously irritating. I keep trying to figure out solutions instead of changing my personal story about kids who hurt each other. When writing a new story am I supposed to eliminate the stigma I have with children who…. and parents who raise children who…. and focus on changing my response to the behavior to one that is more beneficial to my relationship with my children? With that in mind, the only response I can come up with would be to be closer to them as they play so I can be more aware of how their play escalates into aggression and attempt to catch them before they get to the point of hurting each other and coach them into a new pattern of getting what they want from each other. I feel like that is not on track with the assignment. Where do I stand?

I have to say congrats for diving deep into this assignment. It could be one of the most profound strategies available for parents in making life long shifts in thinking and therefore acting.

Try this - New Story - I believe that children who “hurt each other” are really learning how to define the pecking order within the house, learning where their tolerance thresholds are, connecting in some strange way to each other, learning about how to get what they want, etc. If in fact they are doing all of those things and not INTENTIONALLY trying to hurt each other, what could I do as their mother, outside of their hurting each other to teach them about those other “things”.

This will give you a chance to refocus your energy and begin to TEACH them outside of the experience of them wacking each other. Now remember, this is a slow shift in both thinking and acting. Slow for you and slow for them, so set some milestones for yourself so you can track your progress.

Use your roadmap to create a “mini” goal – 3 months from now my kids will spend only 20% of their time bothering each other and 20% more time playing well together. This will let you know that you are moving in the right direction.

Hope that helps, if not, fire another question my way and we will keep at it until it feels right to you.

Vicki

Forum Example 2 - Will you Help Me?

Question:

We have been dealing with some tough behavior from my 4 yr old. He just doesn’t listen! I watch other children and I know part of it is his way of getting my attention - I realize that in his view any attention is good whether it be positive or negative. I am aware that this is an adjustment for him and I understand that but I can’t be constantly telling him to stop doing things or allowing him to do things that the other kids can’t.

I find myself either aggravated with him or giving in to him. For example he climbs up to get food from the cupboard or to get a DVD so he can watch his movies. If he is told no, he gets upset and will say things like; get away from me or I don’t like you mommy. He has even thrown toys to get my attention. My issue is I know some of the behavior I can ignore but there are times when he can’t climb because of safety issues or help himself to snacks whenever he likes. I am having a hard time trying to apply the strategies we are using with him.

WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR MY SON TO LEARN TO LISTEN?

WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR MY CHILD TO DECIDE TO COOPERATE?

WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR ME TO FOLLOW-THRU WITH WHAT I SAY?

WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR US AS A FAMILY TO CREATE AGREEMENTS THAT WE AL LIVE BY?

Spend some time thinking about this and soon you will start to notice possible solutions that you didn’t notice before.

NOTE: If it is morally or physically dangerous - intervene immediately.
Vicki

Forum Example 3 - Willful Three Year Old

Question:
In the mornings when our family is getting ready my three year old will sometimes ask if she can watch t.v. Every once in a while when we tell her it’s not a good time to watch, her answers is “too bad I’m gonna turn it on any way” and she does. Now what? Do we just ignore her and ask her older sisters to stay focused on getting ready and not the t.v and then tell her no the next time she asks to watch? Do we walk in and simply turn it off? How do we keep this from starting our day in the rabbit hole? Last time this happened we ignored her and she had a hard time changing channels and then turned it off.

“This is not a good time to watch TV” you are asking for trouble. It doesn’t make any sense at all to her. In fact, it is the PERFECT time to watch tv. She isn’t the problem. The problem is, there are no agreements, she has too much time on her hands, she hasnt’ been trained that if she gets everything done, she could watch tv, AND when it is time to go she turns off the tv without a fuss.

Easy as pie.

Try that.

Vicki

Forum Example 4 - Praise or Encouragement

Question:
Ok, today my son got dressed all by himself without asking for help (not even once!). I, of course, wanted to encourage this behavior so it becomes a daily occurrence and started saying…’You did it!’ and ‘thanks for getting dressed on your own’.

My husband heard me and, after having recently listened to the Encouragement MP3, commented to me that I was using praise and might want to reconsider my choice of words. Now, after a little reflection, I agree, my comments may not have been encouragement, but I’m thinking they aren’t really praise either.

Actually, now that I’m writing this, I’m not sure about any of it…I think I’m thinking too much, but would love a little feedback on whether or not my comments fall into any particular category and if I should adjust my wording.

As always, thanks for the helpful insight!

Here is how I judge whether I am still encouraging or whether I am right on the edge of praise.

1. If they have done something more than 3 times, no need to comment anymore.

2. If you are going to comment, do so in the Family Meeting under appreciations and be specific about how their taking ownership of this skill makes your life more pleasant.

Try that. Vicki

Forum Example 5 - Do Nothing. Say Nothing.

Question:

All 3 of my kids have started to do things to annoy each other or to interfere with each other. Some examples - One will be trying to take a picture and the others will wave their hands in front of the lens. Or one will be yo-yoing and the other will reach her foot out to tap the yo-yo.

They do a more passive version too - one will start to hum loudly and when one of the others asks them to stop they will just hum more softly - and it escalates with the one saying they have a right to hum and the other saying “I asked you to stop!’.

In the car when the child in the back bench of the van needs to get out, the one in the forward bench will complain ‘you’re getting your back pack in my face STOP’ and the one getting out will say ‘Move your feet! I can’t get out!’

But the point is that neither of them are doing anything to facilitate the situation. They stick to their position that they have some entitlement to be able to hum or to be able to sit in their seat in the car and not have to move.

How do I get them to support each other and work together more??

Family Meetings.

First, decide to handle the situation yourself and what ever solution you come up with, make it totally unreasonable. I mean really unreasonable.

No tv, telephone or social activities for 60 days. “WHAT?” they yell. You inform them that you have had enough. If they are going to act uncivilized, then they give up all their privileges. They will complain, you suggest the problem board and you solve it at the next family meeting.

Now, if you aren’t having Family Meetings, you aren’t seeing the natural results that include more cooperative kids, kinder kids, kids who figure out the agreements are going to stick and start working together.

Give it a go and let me know what happens.

Vicki