What is the difference between the Marble Jar and dangling a carrot in front of your child or manipulating behavior through a series of rewards?

Whether a parent is dangling one carrot or offering a series of rewards, there are intrinsic problems in both scenarios.

In both of these scenarios, the parent is in “charge” of every aspect of the game. The parent decides What they want their child to do, How they want the child to do it, When they want the child to do it and What the child will get if they play the game correctly. “If you do this, then I will give you this.” “If you promise to get an A on your report card, I will let you use the car.” “If you do all your homework every night for a week, I will let you go to the sleep over.” If you sit at the table and eat all your dinner, I will let you have 2 cookies for dessert.” “If you keep your hands to yourself, then I will take you to the skate park with a friend on Saturday.”

The parent is in charge of everything. There is no collaboration in this scenario. Lets take it further. Let’s say that the child wants something bad enough to go along with the parents game. Has the child really learned anything? Certainly not. Has a habit that will last a long time been created? Certainly not. Has the relationship between parent and child been strengthened? Certainly not. I hardly think, when parents consider the facts that go along with dangling carrots and offering rewards, it looses it’s appeal quickly.

The Marble Jar is designed to first and foremost, create an alliance between parent and child. Marble Jar creates a level playing field – the child ASKS for an increase in independence or a privilege and the parent works with the child to create a list of “skills” the child will demonstrate for a certain period of time to “show” the parent that they understand the responsibilities associated with the privilege they are asking for.

The goal is for kids to develop skills that ensure they can handle the privilege or increased independence they are asking for with a parents confidence that their child is prepared to meet the demands of the privilege.

How is Acknowledging & Noticing different from Praising?

Great question. Stickers and praise are generally given to children when they “behave” according to mom or dad. And truthfully, praise and stickers are generally given as a way of manipulating or bribing our children into doing what we want. Acknowledging or noticing captures a moment, shines a light on it and brings the child’s or parents’ attention to it. Your children will be raised in a home that spot lights all the best parts of the person they are becoming. They will develop intrinsic values, behavior, attitudes and actions that highlight their best selves. Imagine a world where children were constantly given an opportunity to experience themselves at their best. For more information on Encouragement visit our blog or learn more about our Home Program.

What’s wrong with Praising anyway?

Praise trains a child to depend on parents to give them constant feedback on what a “Great job they are doing” and “How proud they are of them.” Praise teaches a child to look to the outside world for approval instead of looking inside and using an internal compass to answer the question – do I approve of what I am doing and who I am becoming. Praise judges a child on an end result, and the joy, the mystery and the excitement of being completely immersed in the process of learning has lost it’s meaning. Praise puts a child at risk of being manipulated by someone – out there – who will gladly give the approval and the applause that the child is looking for to manipulate the child’s choices.

Do I use the Marble Jar iPod and iPhone app or my kids?

The idea is to engage everyone in the family, so use the app with your kids, with yourself and as an entire family.

What inspired Marble Jar?

Inspired by our Parenting On Track™ class, Anna Palmer of winwinapps, LLC, began asking herself and her kids how they could take responsibility for their household and their own lives. Acting more like teachers and facilitators than sherpas and task masters, their 2 and 4 year olds began cleaning, dressing, cooking, saving money, and learning more about their role in the world outside our house as. Last week the oldest sent me to a fundraiser with his allowance and the youngest cleaned every bathroom from top to bottom. Sure they still turn sticks into guns, whine that their backpacks are too heavy and add chocolate sauce to most recipes, but they face every big challenge with a “what will it take to get there” attitude…and that is worth celebrating.

Why would I focus on what’s working, if other things need to be addressed?

Your child will develop a voice in the family, that children are allowed to notice and appreciate their parents. Remember this grows over time and will remind them on a daily basis just how awesome their parents are. They will begin to experience themselves in the best possible way. They will focus their energy and attention on making a difference in a positive and useful way. They will focus on the positive attributes in other people and they will develop the confidence to articulate these character traits.

How do I get rid of the bad behavior if I am not paying attention to it?

Ah, good question. Pesky behavior can best be compared to a “weed”; a weed that you, the parent would rather “get rid of”. The problem is, all the nagging, reminding, lecturing, bribing, counting and time-outing you spend trying to get rid of the pesky behavior, is more like fertilizer to the culprit. That’s right. Unintentionally you are feeding what it is you don’t want. So, flip it. Ignore the weed and watch a sun-flower grow in its place.

How will my kids know they did something wrong if I don’t tell them and just pay attention to the good things?

I know. The thought is enough to make any parent sick. The idea that we can actually raise, capable, cooperative, responsible and respectful kids without punishing them is a bit like….well, heaven to me. Believe it or not, every body of evidence suggests that indeed when there is a climate of respect, sincere caring and love, people bring their best to the table. And, don’t forget, we get more of whatever it is we focus on.

How does the Marble Jar help my child develop healthy habits?

It creates a mutually respectful platform for creating agreements about the privileges children are asking for. It helps create healthy habits that will last a lifetime. It diminishes the confusion between parent and child about the responsibilities which, by the way, can change without an agreement depending upon the parent’s mood, or if the parent is feeling nervous, flexible, irritated, anxious, or generous.

What if my kids are not able to complete the steps to reach their goal?

You have several options.

1. It either tells you that what the child is asking for might be too much for him/her at the time. Often times, kids will decide all on their own that what they asked for isn’t important enough to demonstrate mastery of certain skills which would earn the privilege.
2. You could look at your set of responsibilities and Timeline for Training (link to http://www.parentingontrack.com/school/relationships/) and make sure that it is all reasonable.

How would you use the Marble Jar with a three year old?

I recommend that kids be at least five before parents begin using the Marble Jar to build habits. I think three-years-old is too young. Kids at this age don’t want anything. If we aren’t careful, this will turn into punishment. The only thing a three-year-old wants is to give up at this age is their naps.

How would you use the Marble Jar to create healthy habits with a 9 year old?

9 year olds want all kinds of stuff

1. Phone
2. Later Bedtime
3. Sleep Overs
4. Computer Time
5. Going to the mall on their own
6. Riding their bike to a friend’s house

These are reasonable things for a 9 year old to be interested in. Imagine how seamless this process will be when you have the Marble Jar to negotiate your way through your child’s desires and your need for parameters. It’s a perfect balance.

How would you use the Marble Jar to create healthy habits with a 15 year old?

To create an alliance with my teen that said in essence this – I believe in you. I trust you. I want to say YES to as many of your requests for independence and freedom as I can. AND, at the same time, I need some assurance that what I am saying YES to is something you can handle. And the only way I can feel comfortable saying YES is to see you perform the skills necessary on a regular basis. In other words, I want to know that you are in the “habit” of following through with your word, taking care of your responsibilities, doing what you say you will do. It also ensures that as your mother, when you ask for a new privilege or continued independence, my knee jerk reaction of saying NO will no longer carry any weight. We are in the together. And together we will find a way for you, my 15 year old, to ensure that I (your worried mother) can say YES with confidence. It’s a win/win.

What are we building in our children? I just want them to do what they are told.

No you don’t. What you want is to raise a thinking child who can make skillful choices, show responsible decision making, take responsibility for their actions and work with YOU to create an alliance that will make the teenage and early adult years a blissful experience and not a harrowing one.

Don’t see the answer to your question? Send us an email and we’ll answer it!