Discovery - By VickiHoefle on February 18, 2009 - 9 Comments

The Truth about Lying—and Other Nonsense

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A very close friend of mine, let’s call her N, called last week in tears.  I thought her treasured Golden Lab had finally passed.  Every time I asked why she was crying, she cried harder.  I was really worried.  Finally, she squeaked out—“I caught Adam lying.”

Silence.  It took me a second.  The sobbing seemed disproportionate to what she had just said.

“Are you telling me that all this sobbing is because Adam, your four-year-old son, lied to you?”

“Yes,” she said, “but be quiet; I don’t want anyone to hear you.”

I couldn’t help myself. I started laughing. The kind of laugh Julia Roberts burst into when Richard Gere SLAPPED the jewelry box closed and surprised her in Pretty Woman.

N is an intelligent, educated, down-to-earth woman.  She navigated her way through a colicky baby and a husband who traveled a lot during the first three years of Adam’s life, and she never got caught up in the whole “breast feeding, sleeping with, weaning from” craziness of our culture.

So, I was completely caught off guard by her response to this infraction from her four-year-old son. I did compose myself quickly, when I realized she really was upset.

We chatted for a while, I ran her through the A-B-C exercise, and she experienced a MAJOR “Aha!” moment. We ended our call with her having a “plan” and me feeling like I had redeemed myself and regained her trust after my ‘insensitive’ outburst of laughter.

Fast-forward three weeks:  I get a phone call from N. She is giggling, happy, and excited as she shares that Adam lied again, but she used the plan, and WOW!—Will I do her a favor?

She asks me to share the A-B-C exercise, because she suspects that other parents, moms in particular, will find this a powerful tool, which they can use immediately to squelch the nasty stories playing in their heads that are making them act like—in her words—ninnies.

Here it is, courtesy of N.

A - Activating Event
In N’s case, a child who lies. If you have ever said, “they know just how to push my buttons,” consider that to be YOUR activating event. It could be anything: manners, hitting, bad grades—anything that sends you into orbit fast.

Question: What is YOUR activating event?

B - Beliefs
In N’s case, children who lie will become full-time liars who will flunk out of school, lose their friends and their jobs, and, eventually, turn into adults whose lives—again in N’s words—SUCK.  What’s worse though, is N’s belief about HERSELF as the mother of this lying child.  What will people think of a mother who is raising a liar? Nothing good, I can assure you.

I could go on here, but you see how this line of thinking could get you into big trouble over a little thing like a four-year-old telling a lie.

Questions:

  1. What do you believe about children who…
  2. What do you believe about parents who raise kids who…

C - Consequence
This is the emotional consequence that both N and Adam pay for N’s over-the-top response.  In her case, a long lecture, tears, moralizing, more lecturing, phrases like “Do you understand how SERIOUS this is Adam?”  “You cannot—must not—lie to your mother. EVER.”  Poor Adam; can’t you just picture him looking completely bewildered and terrified at his mother’s outrageous outburst? Poor baby.

Question: How do you over-react to your activating event?

D - Disputation
This is the good part. This is where you get to create a brand new story for yourself that sets you free to parent from reality and not some past fantasy. It didn’t take N long to create a more realistic story that allowed her to deal with the situation in a calm, rational, loving manner.

Question: What is your new story? Anything will do. You don’t have to believe it yet; you just have to be willing to try it.

E - Encouragement
Finally, and most importantly, using encouragement to release the past and accept the present helps us stay on course until the shift in thinking is complete. N shared stories of her own childhood in which she had told a lie or two, and then had the courage to admit that even as an adult, she has told a lie from time to time. What she realized was this: she is a high-functioning, loving, productive, fully engaged woman, wife, mother and friend. That is the truth, and that is what set both she and Adam free from her madness.

Question: How will you encourage yourself and your child, as you adopt more useful
parenting strategies that focus on this:

  • What will it take for my child to find the courage to tell the truth?
  • What will it take for me, as the parent, to find the courage to update old, limiting beliefs so that I can parent from my best?

Thanks, N.

Big Love, Vicki

More information about the A-B-C Strategy can be found in the Parenting On Track™ Home Program.



9 Comments

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Crystal
Feb 20, 2009 19:46

“she never got caught up in the whole “breast feeding, sleeping with, weaning from” craziness of our culture.”

How is breast feeding crazy? I take quite a bit of offense to this statement. It’s natural and has been done since the beginning of time. The crazy thing these days is that kids don’t get the breast milk that will ensure them a healthier life.

Vicki
Feb 22, 2009 8:24

In a culture where everyone has an opinion and feels the need to express their opinion, solicited or not, my friend N., refrained from any and all influence that came her way. She remained true to herself, but more important, true to the relationship with her child to negotiate, not only her decisions about breast feeding, but every other decision that concerned her child. In the end, that is all that matters.

Whatever gave you the idea that she decided against breast feeding?

Vicki

Crystal
Feb 22, 2009 11:35

You called breast feeding “craziness of our culture.” That was what I was referring to.

Vicki
Feb 22, 2009 12:39

Hi,

Thanks for clarifying. I will try and be more careful with my choice of words.

Be Well,
Vicki

Becky
Feb 24, 2009 13:28

Hi Vicki,
This is a bit off the subject of your article but it is touching on a comment left by another forum user. I am wondering what your thoughts are on attachment parenting (i.e. co-sleeping, baby wearing, extended breastfeeding) and the parenting on track philosophy that so strongly encourages independence. I think I can do both-my 1-1/2 year old is very independent, (dresses herself, or at least makes a good attempt!) contributes (feeds dogs, helps with dishes, folds diapers), takes responsibility for some of her actions (if she spills her water, she will grab a towel and clean it up) but she does still sleep with us, nurses a lot and gets carried around by her siblings and parents.

I am a huge fan of the parenting on track program and respect and value your opinion. I look forward to hearing what you have to say!

Vicki
Feb 24, 2009 18:16

Hi,

WOW! An 18 month old doing all that? WOW! Girlfriend, something is working in your house.

Okay, for the record, if it was up to me, I would have breastfed my 20 year old until - well now. BUT, she wouldn’t let me.

The program encourages families to create their own Parenting Roadmap for just this reason. If breastfeeding is still fun for all of you, why quit? If sleeping in the same bed isn’t interfering with a healthy relationship with your husband, then why change, and if nobody minds carrying this independent little cuss, then carry her.

Listen, at the end of the day, you are navigating many things.

1. How independent is your child most of the time?
2. Are you giving your child opportunities to become more independent each day?
3. Is nursing, sleeping with and carrying a form of connection that NOBODY in the house is ready to let go of yet.

If you use the Roadmap to guide you and you think about when you want to start weaning, then you will have a plan and you can quit worrying (i.e. In six month this child will be off the breast, sleeping in her own bed and walking 90% of the time). Now, relax for 5 months, enjoy your decision and figure out a plan for when you DO make the transition.

Who knows, she just might handle all 3 of those thing on her own.

Have fun and thank you for your comments.

Vicki

Hillary
Feb 25, 2009 22:48

“she never got caught up in the whole “breast feeding, sleeping with, weaning from” craziness of our culture.”

I came to make the same comment, but I see it’s already been made. You might want to reword that b/c it does seem to contradict what you are saying your beliefs are. I totally agree that you need to find what works for you outside of the craziness of popular opinion and for many that means breastfeeding, co-sleeping etc. I was about to link you to a few of my mama listserves, but when I saw that line I changed my mind.

vicki
Feb 26, 2009 12:12

Once again, WOW.

I was on the treadmill this morning with my business partner talking about all the commotion this little article created. Here was all this great content but one sentence grabbed all the air time.

Here is what she pointed out - “People who don’t know you might “assume” that your comment was a judgment, not an observation.” Interesting.

She’s right. This happens all the time.

Being an Adlerian at heart, I understand that we experience life through a unique set of goggles. It is what makes life mysterious and glorious. My goggles are tuned to “observation mode”.

So, here are my final notes on the subject:

1. I didn’t call breastfeeding crazy, I said the culture was crazy.
2. What difference does it make whether I think breastfeeding is crazy or not?
3. This program is about empowering parents, children and families.

Frankly, I believe that most individuals navigate their way through life quite nicely.

Be Well,
Vicki

Hillary
Feb 26, 2009 12:28

I think a little hoopla is a good thing! It cleans the air and helps people clarify what they are thinking, feeling etc. In all honesty the reason I thought to point it out was b/c it didn’t make sense with V’s message. I’m not sure but I think if we looked at the sentence grammatically it refers to bfing, co-sleeping, weaning as the craziness of the culture, when what I think she means to say it she didn’t get caught up in others telling her how she should mother.

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