HI Vicky- wendy here, from your Monpelier class. Any tips on the 14 yr old girl deal. The incredible changes in mood, snippyness, “disrespectfulness” to parents ( I kow you hate that word), self-centered ness. Then the next day is coversant , pleasant etc.. She still wants us to tuck her in at night etc but seems unhappy and a little mean more than pleasant and kind. It’s much harder to get her to particiipate in things that help the family out as a whole,not just things that benefit her, than my 12 yr old son. ANy suggestions as we have been trying to get through this.

Hi Wendy,

Tips - Read the middle of the post again. 14 year old girls are going through HUGE changes. The only thing you can be sure of is this - someone new will emerge at least 25 times a day. A quiet thoughtful 14 year old one minute, a short tempered defiant 14 year old the next minute. It’s just part of growing up.

What are you focusing your attention on? How are you using the pleasant moments to build on the relationship? What messages are you sending to her each and every day? Are you empathetic? Patient? Available? Consistent? Watch yourself for 7 days. Take note of your changing attitudes, moods, and responses. Learn something about yourself. Then use the Roadmap for say 30 to 60 days to focus on BUILDING or STRENGTHENING one aspect of your relationship with your daughter.

Same holds true with the upcoming 12 year old.

Have fun. Adolescence is the BEST. Aren’t you glad it isn’t you?

Vicki

Hi, I’m 37 weeks prego and have a 2+ year old. My husband and I joined the S.B. lectures in Oct/Nov and learned so much. Mostly, saying “yes,” a change in the bedtime routine and limiting praise were such eye-openers and so helpful.

Even though she needs it, our daughter is refusing to take an afternoon nap. We had cleared out most of her toys (leaving a small box of books and stuffed animals) after our ‘Vicki transformation’, but now she gets right up and plays for a bit, then starts pounding on the wall/door and asking to get out.

What to do? She needs (or I do) at least 1 hour of “quiet” time if not napping, in her room. Do I put toys back in? I don’t open the door when she pounds/yells, but wait until she settles, while trying to keep her in her room for one hr. Need this down time when the next little bugger comes along too. Bed routine at night works like a charm! No problems..of course she is so tired too!

Any suggestions would be appreciated!

What you’ve written here seems to be the underlying secret to keeping my cool in most situations that could send me through the roof–not projecting the present mess into the rest of my parenting life. I used to think that the messy situations would automatically disappear as we got better at being positive and participating parents. I’ve realized (and I hope my kids will eventually as well) that the world is a messy place and we aren’t going to be able to avoid it by burying our heads or sugar coating things. What is slowly (I think we all want to move forward more quickly than we are) happening too us is that we are recognizing that the balance between positive and negative will be tipped not by eliminating the messy situations that are inevitable, but by creating and celebrating the positive experiences we are having as a family. As we progress, we are noticing that some of the bad events get cut off by both us and our kids through creative problem solving and positive thinking. It is too much to expect that we will avoid them all. The most important thing seems to be to put it in perspective (at the right time) and see that there is still time to improve on things. Now, if I can remember all this at the right time when the next several messy situations develop, I will really be impressed!

Hi Nate

Bravo. I recently spent several days with a 2 and 3 year old. The first day I almost killed myself. The 2nd day I almost killed them - the 3rd day I remembered.

I remembered that life is about LIVING life. It isn’t about getting through life, or laughing through life it is about living it. That means being present to where you are and what you are doing and WHO you are doing it with. Little children don’t feel the same urgency as I do - result - if I forget, I make a mess. If I remember however, I have a chance to actually be present to my own life.

So, messes will happen - thank the heavens. It’s all about attitude baby.

Keep it up.

Hi Kara,

I apologize for the delay.

There was a time, when napping occurred until you hit 80. As a matter of fact, it still does in most countries. Why it doesn’t work here is beyond me, but the challenges of nap time are almost as prominent as bed time.

So before we talk abut naps - give yourself a big pat on the tummy for bedtimes that work. Yahooo.

The truth is, there is no easy answer for a child who thinks they don’t need a nap. Particularly 2.5 year olds. I think you are using the most effective strategies and now it is the wait and see game. Will she figure out you are serious and finally allow herself to relax and sleep, or do you have a very tenacious child on your hands and some compromising will have to happen.

I understand your wanting a solution by the time the new babe comes. Perhaps by now something has shifted.

Just know this - whatever you decide to do in order to recharge your own batteries (videos, cookies, etc) is fine if it works for you. Sometimes a mothers rest is more important than the childs. After all, if you can be kind and friendly at 6:00 pm when your child hits the wall, the relationship will survive nicely.

Let me know what the latest is. I’m thinking of you. I know how tough this phase can be.

Vicki

[...] Vicki makes it so obvious- nobody at the bottom of the rabbit hole EVER won an argument and left with their pride in tact. So, go for it. Stop yourself and rewind…do it over again….just DON’T let yourself get tripped up in arbitrary “discipline strategies” when you really need to tackle it in a different mood. (Albeit, a brain-freeze induced mood). [...]