Want Kids who Help Out? Get the Hell Outta’ the Way!
We all dream of ending a great Thanksgiving Dinner with our kids in the kitchen cleaning up the mess, allowing the cooks time to visit and the guests a chance to say a proper goodbye to their hosts. We imagine returning to the kitchen and witnessing the same scene we’ve watched for years. 3 kids, alternately washing, drying and putting dishes away, loading dishwashers, scraping plates, emptying garbage cans and wiping counter tops, and they are visiting with each other as they go. Skilled hands, confident attitudes and a sense of pride that they are contributing to the success of the day.
But this dream doesn’t happen over night and it doesn’t happen by wishing on a magic star. It’s the result of years of practice and begins when a wobbly toddler asks “I help” or replies “me do” and you gladly say “pick up a towel and let me show you how it’s done kiddo.”
But that’s not normally how parent’s respond to a toddlers request to help.
Let me ask you
- How many times have you jumped in and interfered when your kid is about to drop something, spill something, forget something?
- How often have you micromanaged, directed, commentated the events of your child’s day? Don’t forget your lunch, eat this, wear that, don’t touch this, don’t touch that…and on and on, right?
As parents, we all do it to some degree. The point here is if you want your child to grow capable and responsible, you’ve gotta let go of that nonsense. You also have to let go of the life preserver. By jumping in and reminding, saving or any other constant interference, you steal valuable practice time right from underneath their tiny toes!
From the second our kids begin to reach, crawl, walk and carry, they are eager to continue their march toward independence. They understand persistence pays off. They discover they can do it (or can’t quite do it, which is equally as valuable)! Then, once they begin to walk, we sort of put the brakes on that whole “go for it” thing. We spend the next years protecting and doing things for them. We dictate the minutiae- the clothing, the extra curriculars, the behaviors, the preferences (bath vs shower, walk vs. run) etc. They don’t really “own” their lives and we send all kinds of messages like, this is too hard for you, you can’t make decisions and so forth.
Of course life is busy and sometimes it IS easier to “just do it ourselves” but remember that when we do everything for them, we take away practice at life skills. (And how many ballet practices, baseball or other practices would we knowingly keep our child from? For most of us, not many!)
Childhood is a time to practice making decisions, flubbing up and learning to fix mistakes. The earlier you let go and train your child to participate in “real life” the stronger, more competent they are when they walk out the door at 18.
A child who has never learned to wash his or her laundry will never, EVER, wake up one day at age 13 and say, gee, mom, I think I’ll pay my own phone bill or pick up all my dirty laundry and wash it myself. It’s just not going to happen! Parents, what they practice at 2, 4, 6, & 9 effects the self skills they have down the road. Can they manage their own time? Can they show up for class? Can they remember the responsibilities of modern life (and there are so many!)? Plus, by 13, they have bigger problems to worry about than how to run the washer. They should have that one down on lock by age 9. (It’s never too late to train the kiddos!).
Learn more about the Parenting On Track™ Home Program.
