Vicki’s Journey
It’s the tweener week here at the Hoefenways, that’s blended for Hoefle & Hemenway, a name the kids came up with years ago when Iain and I met. Christmas is behind us. The presents are put away. The decorations are down. Three kids are home, one is due in on the 4th from Spain and another one arrives on the 6th from San Francisco.
I am holding steady as they say. This is the week that defines the holidays for us. It’s a time to celebrate life with children, who are more adult than anything else. It’s my time to dive into each of them and to re-establish contact in a new and meaningful way. Let’s face it, they aren’t the same people they were last year at this time.
I marvel at how smart, how funny, and how mercurial they are. I am awestruck at their humor, their insight, and their commitment to “showing up in their lives.” I am touched by their comments to me which include “you look hot in those jeans mom” by my 17-year-old daughter and “every kid should have a mom like you” whispered in my ear by my 15 year old, six-foot-tall son.
So here’s to the teens and the tweeners in our lives. These wonders of light and love.To my own children I say thank you. Thank you for inviting me into your world, and sharing your thoughts, your aspirations, your fears and your dreams. Thank you for sitting on my lap, for letting me braid your hair, and sharing a quiet moment of reflection. Thank you for sticking with me through all my painful parenting faux pas.
Thank you for teaching me the Wii and encouraging me as I learn to hit a ball and almost wet my pants doing it. Thank you for giggling with me and not at me, as I learn that you don’t have to actually “play” tennis, in order to “play Wii” tennis.
Thank you for loading my iPod up with all new songs and for making me my own Taylor Swift CD. Thank you for trying on the dorky pants I bought you and not calling me “stupid head” because I got the wrong style, size and color.
Thank you for loving each other. For cuddling up together during The Grinch and letting me get a glimpse of you as small children, even if just for a moment. Thank you for fixing each other french toast and eating together around the table, something that happens less and less these days, as kids grow and some move out.
Most of all, thank you for choosing me as your parent.
For all you parents out there, who wonder what the world is like with five teens in the house – there is only one word to describe it – MIRACULOUS!
Do not waste a single moment with these magical beings. Before you know it, they will have moved on and you may find yourself trying to carve a spot in their new and exciting lives. Take a few moments, and look beyond the external expression of who they are and look into the hearts, the minds and the spirits of these young people.
There is much joy to be found in those sparkling eyes.
Happy Holidays!
Vicki
2009
Posted in Vicki's Journey
Last week, this quote below arrived in my inbox. I appreciated it and it moved me. It moved me enough to include it in the Parenting On Track™ blog, because more times than NOT, when I chat with parents about their families – they forget.
If a child believes in his/her ability, the child can do anything.
If we want our children to believe in themselves, we MUST believe in them FIRST.
Let me tell you something about YOU.
YOU can do anything you want. YOU are in control.
YOU can achieve as much success as you want to.
YOU can and will pick yourself up when life knocks you down.
I BELIEVE IN YOU.
So instead of making sure your child has completed her homework, has the perfect outfit for the play, is signed up for a Spring sport, and is invited to the birthday party this weekend – STOP and ask yourself, Do I believe in my children’s abilities to handle their lives? How have I shown this to them today? How will I show them tomorrow?
I believe in you. Go for it.
- Vicki
PS: These are big, fat, juicy, delicious concepts. These concepts bring parents to their knees. If you are not sure that your child can handle what life brings, take a moment and observe. Look for all the ways your child already handles adversity, disappointment, success, conflict, packed schedules, appreciation, confusion, forgetting something and the list goes on. Take a moment and write them down. Store those examples in a place where you can access the list and reflect. These are the moments that matter.
When the Marble Jar app is released – you won’t have to stick a piece of paper in your nightstand or your coat pocket, if you have an iphone – you can carry your list with you.
Posted in Vicki's Journey
When my middle child was in the second grade, I got a call from her teacher.
“Vicki, this is Ms. S. I’m calling because Z hasn’t spoken to me all week and I am a bit concerned. I have asked her what is wrong, but she refuses to answer me. She speaks to the other students and even to the other teachers, but she will not speak to me. Do you think you might find out what is going on and let me know.”
“Sure.” I said, knowing full well I wasn’t about to step into this hornets’ next. Even at 7, my child had a will of her own that could not be managed by anyone.
When the time was right, I initiated a conversation with Z and tried to pull out the story. I got nothing. I mean a big fat zippo. The kid wouldn’t give anything up. Told me it was none of my business.
FREEZE: – Now, for some parents, this would have been the beginning of the power struggle. Think about a time when you have been encouraged by another adult to find out what was going on in your child’s life, they haven’t wanted to speak about it, and you turned it into – you have no choice kid, tell me or you will suffer.
I let it go, called the teacher and told her as respectfully as I could, that I had no idea and until Z was ready to talk, we would both have to wait.
Z later asked me what I said to the teacher and when I told her, her face lit up and she jumped into my arms. I am sure, beyond any doubt, that at that moment, my daughter knew that I had her back. That is a snapshot moment in both of our lives. We became co-conspirators in a way that helped shape our entire relationship.
FREEZE: – How many times, have you had a moment, where you could have stood by your kid, in no uncertain terms and claimed your rightful place as their protector and instead, turned aside to make someone else more comfortable (usually another adult)?
Several weeks passed and eventually Z asked if we could chat. She sat me down and said,
“I am ready to talk to Ms. S. I am going to tell her, that I do not think any 2nd grader should ever be worried that when they come to school, their teacher will embarrass them in front of their class mates. And I will tell her if she does it again, I will not talk to her until she apologizes.”
She said this so ‘matter-of-factly’, that I was momentary frozen. And then, the hair on my back went up, I looked at her and said,
“Did Ms. S embarrass you?”
“NOOO,” she exclaimed. “She embarrassed Steven and Steven already has enough trouble without worrying about being embarrassed by his teacher.”
Holy Hell. This was my kid, sticking up for Steven (who indeed had more than enough on his plate to deal with) with the courage to tell her teacher, in her own time and in her own way, just why she went on strike.
FREEZE: How many times, has your child taken a stand, did something unexpected, demonstrated a family value and was met by empty praise and lavish attention, instead of being allowed to own their accomplishment with dignity and humility?
Later that day, I got a call.
“Vicki, this is Ms. S. What I am about to say is difficult for me, but if I don’t say it to at least one person, I will chicken out and I owe Z and Steven more than that. Z was right. I had embarrassed Steven and I knew it when I did it. But I didn’t have the courage to apologize in front of the class. Z caught me. We talked today and we came to an agreement. Z agreed to help me be more sensitive to Steven and some of the other kids in the class without embarrassing me.”
I thanked her for the call. And then I wept. I wept for all the lucky Stevens in the world who will have a Z strong enough to stand up for them until they can stand up for themselves. I wept because at 7, Z had more strength, integrity and courage than I did and I wept out of gratitude that I was the mother of this extraordinary child.
When Z arrived home, I met her at the door. I didn’t pry, I didn’t cry, I didn’t congratulate. I opened my arms and waited for her to fly into them. And she did. And we held each other for what seemed an eternity.
And then she said in summary, “That was the scariest thing I ever did, but I will do it again if I have to.”
FREEZE: Our children are always in the process of becoming extraordinary human beings. And so often, we can overlook this for the sake of pride or the fear of embarrassment. If we are to raise a more conscious, kind, compassionate and engaged generation, we must commit to them while they are messy and unrehearsed.
Note from Jennifer: For the past 10 years, I have had the great fortune of being a part of Parenting On Track. As a result, I was able to practice shifting my perspective and developing the courage to choose what’s best for my kids and my family, even when it meant getting the hairy eyeball from a teacher or store clerk. It starts with small focused decisions every day until it becomes a way of being more than a way of acting. I am looking forward to the Marble Jar, a new iphone app, & high tech way to help me stay on track. It’s a tool that will move me away from scraps of paper & sticky notes – that sometimes get lost and a white board – that sometimes gets erased – and keep me focused on who my kids are, how extraordinary they are and how lucky I am to be their mom.
Posted in Vicki's Journey
My 17 year old son Brady, the youngest of my kids, is leaving for Nepal in 6 days for a 3 month trek. All of his friends will be finishing up their last semester of High School, preparing for graduation and anxiously awaiting their acceptance letters from colleges they have applied too. Brady had something else in mind for his final year of high school.
After years of debating Brady about the merits of traditional education, the legitimacy of homework (although frankly, we don’t believe in homework) I finally opened my heart, my mind and practiced a bit of the Radical Faith I am always talking about, and said “yes” to Brady’s request to “drop out of school and drop into his life” (thank you Frankie for putting this so eloquently when you heard Brady had taken a different path).
Brady informed his guidance counselor that he would be leaving school at the end of the semester. He took the GED and the SAT’s and tested high on both. He is in good shape should he decide to pursue a traditional college education. Fat chance.
Since he dropped into his life and out of school, he seems happier than I have ever seen him. He is more interested and connected to his family and friends. He is more engaged in life and his natural curious nature has returned. What’s best though is that he is completely tapped into his own natural rhythm of learning. His appetite is ferocious. He is reading everything he can about Nepal, Katmandu, Buddhism, and the difference between being a tourist and a traveler. He is alive.
This is how I remember Brady as a small child in the field outside our home in Ludlow, where he would roam for hours, his head barely above the bramble, curious and interested in all that life had to offer him. He was reading by the time he was 3 and his verbal skills were off the charts. We had high hopes that school would hone his natural skills and provide new challenges and a stimulating experience. We were wrong.
School, over time, shut the door to his natural inclination to discover, to learn, to make sense of his surroundings and how to apply new information to his world. Over time, he lost interest. Over time he shut down.
It’s back now, the magic that made Brady – Brady.
The program he is enrolled in has a “Yak” board, where we parents can learn about the instructors and the other 12 kids embarking on this journey. One of the instructors, a Middlebury College Graduate, included a video that she said, explained exactly what this experience is meant to do.
I invite you to sit back, open your mind, and enjoy the 17 minute presentation that is sure to either support, challenge or inspire questions about our educational system and where your child fits into the mix.
This post started out as a simple list of all that I am grateful and thankful for, which seemed the perfect post for our weekly Newsletter which happens to fall on Thanksgiving Day.
162 entries later, I realize the folly in this exercise. This will never do. I can not complete this task. There is no end.
Alas, I did not throw my gratitude list away, but saved it in a folder to share with my family during our private feast on Thursday evening.
No Accident
I am participating in a course titled A Month of Self-Reflection and many of the exercises are creating a “space” for me to remember how much I am loved, supported and accepted in my life.
So on this Thanksgiving Day, I share one of my favorite poems with you.
This poem takes me back to a difficult time in my life, where I recognized that although there is pain, there is love, support, acceptance and comfort available in every moment.
This time is the moment when I knew that my life would be about living this and that all at the same time.
May you find much to be grateful and thankful for today, and always –Vicki.
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.– written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s –
Posted in Vicki's Journey
“Every human being strives for significance, but people always make mistakes
if they do not recognize that their significance lies in their contribution to the lives of others.”
-Alfred Adler
“Every good act is charity.
A man’s true wealth hereafter is the good that he does in this world to his fellows.”
–Mohammed
There are so many ways that we can get involved and to “Pay It Forward.” Here are a few ideas:
Local:
Donate or volunteer at a food shelf or soup kitchen; volunteer during “Green-Up” days or other local work days; become involved with the outreach programs available through your local church or schools; volunteer with Meals on Wheels; visit the elderly at a local nursing home.
Truthfully, all you have to do is look around to see someone in need. A broken heart, a discouraged spirit, a physical challenge, an emotional injury. Make a connection, reach out, share a smile, touch a shoulder, return a laugh.
Global:
Donate or raise money for Mosquito Nets, Pennies for Peace, Cancer Society, March of Dimes – and the list goes on…
The possibilities are endless, and the benefits are staggering.
In celebration of a movie that started a movement in my own family and has translated into over 1000 hours of community service visit: payitforwardfoundation.org/
Posted in Vicki's Journey
On the eve of the Parenting On Track™ Weekend Retreat, I wanted to pay homage to Alfred Adler and the impact his work has on my life.
It is because of him, that I enjoy a deep connection with each one of my children, my husband and those who make up my “healthy tribe”. His work has been the catalyst for the majority of insights that have facilitated clarity, healing and comfort for me in my life.
He continues to inspire me to look deeper, to trust, to take risks, to forgive often and quickly, and to love unconditionally. I have spent the last few days preparing for the upcoming weekend, and so I offer this extraordinary interview of Henry Stein, a noted Adlerian Expert, and his thoughts on Adler and his work.
Please, if you are looking to enrich your life in any way, take 10 minutes, just 10 minutes and read this illuminating article, Was ist “das Ich”? An Interview with Henry Stein on Alfred Adler, by Susan Bridle.
I have included an excerpt below, that for me, is the most powerful statement in all of Adler’s work.
WIE: If you approach it in this way, it can be a lifelong project to straighten all this out.
Henry Stein: Yes. Adler says, “Wait a minute. If in fact there is a single goal and this single goal is causing the symptoms and problems and is, in a sense, orchestrating everything, you don’t work on the fifty-two different subcategories of symptoms, you work on the goal.” When you change the goal, everything else begins to shift, the symptoms begin to vanish. People get goose bumps when they come to the realization that they can change their life so dramatically and that it isn’t an overwhelming, laborious, lifelong task. That’s the good news. There’s bad news: The bad news is that you now have responsibility. And that’s a trade-off. When people are willing to accept this responsibility, they almost have a sense of being reborn, and the sense of freedom and empowerment is wonderful. And then they accept the responsibility very willingly; it’s not a burden. But other people—who don’t want the responsibility—will back off, and what they’ll do is they will either forget the insight or they will argue with it or sabotage it.
Read the entire article and enjoy!
Posted in Vicki's Journey
As some of you know, I was in Mexico last week to celebrate my oldest son’s wedding. See my blog for the story. At any rate, it was magical. Colin was able to join us from Chile and Hannah snuck away from her internship at NAU to join the posse from Vermont for 5 days of memory making madness.
For more details on the wedding itself, visit my blog.
People have asked me for years whether or not I really USE the program I teach. I have always been completely honest when I answer. And the answer is ABSOLUTELY. Do I look like an idiot? I will say it again, lest you missed it the first 1000 times I said it – I can not be trusted. I am a true dictator at heart and left to my own devices I would have demolished the relationship I have with my kids. Thankfully – THANKFULLY, I found Adler and was able to create a powerful and effective program to sustain me through the parenting journey.
One of the cornerstones of our family is the weekly Family Meeting. It was easy enough to introduce family meetings to my kids when they were young. They loved hearing nice things (appreciations) people in the family had to say about them each week and they LOVED getting their money. It was fairly easy to introduce (weekly contributions) as each of them was invited to participate in their lives when they were still wobbly on their feet. It hadn’t occurred to any of them that this was anything but normal in every family. Over time we developed a simple system for doling out contributions which continued to work as our family grew and changed. Problem Solving saved us on more than one occasion. The kids became quick problem identifiers and master problem solvers. Before long we were solving local and global problems as we ran out of our own to solve. Oh, from time to time something came up that required a bit of parent guidance, but not often. But by and large, the kids were equipped to deal with just about any problem they encountered.
Family Meetings evolved just as we did. Appreciations became the cornerstone of each meeting. Contributions gave way to schedules and problem solving gave way to planning (vacations, college, etc.). Money became completely irrelevant as each child found some form of employment long before they turned 12.
At times, it was easy to take for granted the power of the Family Meetings. We seemed to be a family that didn’t really require them as we had a routine that hummed along for months at a time with not so much as a bump in the road. But because I teach, and because deep inside, I understood that the regular Family Meeting was at the heart of our healthy and extremely close family, we kept with it. The kids grumbled from time to time, but for the most part, they were eager and willing participants.
Before we left for Mexico, we had a Family Meeting via Skype. We conducted it as if we were all in the living room together. We shared appreciations, talked about our expectations while in Mexico, what our hopes were for the trip and how we could support each other during this adventure. The meeting lasted well over an hour (yes, I know I broke my own 15 minute rule, but hey – we have been practicing for a long time) and not one of the kids seemed interested in adjourning.
As a result of the Family Meetings, we arrived in Mexico feeling connected, understood, supportive and ready to have some fun. We had 4 amazing days.
Late into the evening on our final day, we gathered for the last time. We sat quietly, settled into ourselves and began with appreciations. Around the room we went, crying and laughing simultaneously. I can’t begin to tell you how touching the experience was. To witness the love shared by 5 teenagers for each other and for their parents goes beyond anything I could describe in words.
But what made this particular Family Meeting so powerful, was that after the 7 of us finished, we were joined by my son Michael, his new wife Brie and 2 of their dear friends, Gant and Lucy. The 7 of us began to share appreciations with the bride and groom and what followed was truly magical. Within minutes our 4 guests were giving their own appreciations – to us. Can you imagine. Around the room we went, moonlight flickering off the Pacific Ocean, as we shared the love in our hearts for each other.
In every class I have ever taught, when we reach the point in the program where I begin talking about Family Meetings, I begin the same way
“This is the most powerful tool you have at your disposal. It will shape the very fabric of your family. It is one of the easiest and most efficient parenting strategies you have in your tool kit. It will take the least time to implement and yield the biggest benefits. It will carry you through good times and bad and it will be as reliable as the fact that your family will change each and every week in some way – big or small. And yet, it will be the last thing you implement and the first thing you drop. And when that happens, everything else, all the other amazing strategies the program promises, will be compromised. Until finally, out of frustration, you will return to your old way of parenting. And your frustration and disappointment will be even deeper. Because for one short moment, you recognized what was possible. And the Family Meeting, well, it was just to awkward to try, and so you put it aside.”
Before another day goes by, ask yourself:
- Is having children who develop deep and lasting love and respect for each other and for their parents important to me?
- Is having children who contribute on a regular basis without complaint important to me? Is having children master the art of problem solving important to me?
- Is having children who develop a healthy relationship with money important to me?
If the answer is yes to any of these questions, then there is only one thing left to do. Put the Family Meeting back on the calendar.
With love,
Vicki, Iain, Hannah, Colin, Zoe, Kiera, Brady, Michael and Brie
For more information about the technical side of Family Meetings, check out our audio pack!
Posted in Vicki's Journey