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This weekend, several people (my daughter from college in CA included) sent me a link to a story that made me stop and reality check what’s going on out there in the world, for our kids (and as a society, which is totally conflicted if you read through the comments). 14 year old Jonah Mowry puts this video up as a message “IM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF. I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OUT HERE”.
As you watch:
1- Get a tissue. I wondered if his mom knew what he was doing, supported his way of expressing himself and was standing by to hold him when he finished making the video and posting it, or if she was absolutely clueless to this child’s struggle.
2- Ask yourself – if your child was to make a video of their life, right now, without any concern for how it would be received (by you or anyone else), what would they say?
3- If you don’t know, or you think you might now or even if you are absolutely positively sure that you know, find out anyway. My experience, not only with my own 5, but with another thousand or so parents, is that we rarely know what’s really going on in the lives of our kids.
It shouldn’t take a heartbreaking clip like this for us to recognize that we need to be emotionally available for our children- and their friends if they’re heading down this road. Let’s pay more attention. All of us.
His twitter handle:
@JonahMowryReal
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When a problem comes along, you must zip it…zip it good.
Clearly this clip wasn’t chosen for the model parenting but for the idea: JUST ZIP IT.
If you’re already a Parenting On Track ™ parent, you’ve experienced “do nothing, say nothing” week. If you haven’t been through the parenting program, it’s simply a week where you stay out of the kids way. You don’t correct, shush, judge, sweat, cry, clean, remind, remind, remind…. (BASICALLY YOU ZZZZIPPPP IT).
You step back, you shut your mouth, you watch and you learn. And what you are watching is what your kids will do when you are no longer micromanaging their lives. You learn what they will do on their own and what they won’t. You learn that they can do more than you thought and in some cases you learn that they don’t have the slightest idea how to do simple tasks. You learn where their threshold for frustration is and how they handle it. You learn how resourceful they are or how easily overwhelmed they become if they are not “helped” through each situation that comes up. You learn if they enjoy learning or are resistant to it, and yes, some kids are resistant to learning to things, but that’s another post.
You will also learn a boat load about yourself. You will be faced with demons that have lived dormant in your mind for years. You will be forced to face beliefs that seem as if they came from the dark ages. You will see clearly, just how much you interfere in your child’s life and you will have to decide in that moment, whether you will learn to ZIP IT and allow your child a chance to step more fully into their own life, or continue to indulge your already over zealous mouth and spew all your wisdom in an attempt to lay the path for your child to travel (good luch with that one).
We all have a “threshold”, that activates us an fires up our “parenting engine” – hurry up, get your backpack, you’re late, fix your shirt, say please, say thank you, do you have your lunch? HURRY UP!!! and knowing where yours is will come in handy over the next 10, 20 or 30 years with your kids.
So I ask you, what kind of message would you send to your kids if you zipped it? That you trust your child, that you believe they have what it takes to handle managing the daily grind? That if they screw up, make a mistake, choose something wacky, that they can fix it, learn from it and move forward with their life? Gosh, I could go on forever. The benefits are too numerous to count.
So, as Dr. Evil would say (who should ZIP IT himself and let the kid speak), ExZIPIT A…ZippiLongstockings!
(and if you need a little reminder to SHHHH )
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I’m trying a new experiment in blog riffs.
What is a riff you ask? A riff is defined as a rapid, energetic, often improvised, verbal outpouring – so buckle-up!
For any of you that really know me, you know I am hesitant to give my opinion, even when asked. But at the insistence of my business partner, Jennifer, who claims parents want to hear my perspective, I am going to share my thoughts.
These riffs will be longer and more spirited than tweets, but shorter and more free form than normal blog posts. Sometimes less is more. Actually, it almost always is.
I invite you to send me any articles or expert advice that you find out there in the world, and I will be sure to let you know how it fits in with the Parenting On Track philosophy.
Hope you all are enjoying summertime with your families!
-Vicki
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Happy Parenting doesn’t happen by magic. It takes practice. Here are my favorite tips for creating a life with kids that is sure to put a smile on everyone’s face.
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1. Stop worrying about how your children express themselves in terms of their personal style (this includes their wardrobe, accessories, hair and makeup). Learn to notice character traits that define your child as a unique human being.
2. Ignore strangers in the grocery store who give you the hairy eye-ball when your child throws a temper tantrum. Learn to wait quietly as your child finds his/her own solution for dealing with disappointment or frustration (or just being too tired to shop).
3. Don’t interfere if your child decides to go to school in jammies, wear sandals in the snow, or watch tv instead of doing homework. Nature is the best teacher. Celebrate your child’s courage to make a choice and listen as he/she shares the experience without judgment or criticism.
4. Ignore mistakes, big and small, yours and theirs, and remember that mistakes are opportunities to learn.
5. Resist the urge to say “I told you so”, “What were you thinking?” , and “If you had listened to me in the first place, you could have avoided the whole mess.” Imagine yourself in your child’s shoes and then respond accordingly.
6. Leave the mess. When your child is 35 how do you want her to remember you? As the best damn, nagging housekeeper in the neighborhood or as her ally, champion and teacher?
7. Never ever, ever, ever, ask your neighbor how she parents. You wouldn’t take your car to an accountant for an oil change would you? Consider yourself the expert in your child’s life.
8. When you don’t know what to do – do nothing.
9. Challenge every belief you have about what “good” parents do and don’t do and replace it with accurate, factual information that will help you parent from your best.
10. Don’t make the mistake of believing that your children ARE their mischief making. Mischief making is your clue that you are living with a discouraged child. The only solution is to encourage and encourage again.
As part of the Parenting On Track™ Home Program, parents receive 6 free Web Events throughout the year. Last night we hosted a 60 minute Web Event on Adolescence with special guest, Vanessa Van Petten of Radical Parenting (she may sound familiar to many of you as I have recommended her on more than one occasion) and 2 of her interns, Sydney 15, and Emily 13. Because this web event was filled with such great information, we decided to share it with everyone. Don’t worry forum members, we’ll add in another freebie.
Listen to the replay!
Here are a few of the highlights and how investing in the Parenting On Track™ program when your kids are young, makes raising a teen a whole lot more enjoyable for everyone concerned.
- Don’t take the complaining or disagreeing of teens personally. It’s usually just a way for them to vent and they rarely mean anything hurtful.
- Kids do listen to their parents – it just isn’t cool to look too interested or admit it.
- A good relationship with their parents is as important to teens as it is to their moms and dads.
Enter Parenting On Track™ – The basis for the program; relationships built on mutual respect, cooperation, open and honest communication and a solid foundation that can absorb the constant changes our kids experience. You don’t enter the teen years in good shape, if you haven’t invested heavily in the relationship when the kids are young. Another Parenting On Track™ technique that is sure to pay off in the long haul – ignoring the cheap drama of a 3 year old which makes it possible to listen to a teen without getting worried, annoyed, angry or “hooked” into the emotion of the moment. Instead, Parenting On Track™ parents are trained to appreciate where their kids are emotionally at any given moment, the confidence to allow the kids to work through those emotions whenever possible, and the ability to “not” take what is said personally.
- Treating teens like they are still babies.
- Imposing the same rules you established in elementary school on a 15 year old.
- Embarrassing them repeatedly and then not owning up to it or apologizing for doing it.
Enter Parenting On Track™– Vanessa said something that really struck me “Re-evaluate agreements with your kids on a regular basis”. This is where Creating a Roadmap, Implementing Privileges and Responsibilities and Utilizing the Family Meeting come in. Each of the 3 tools ensures that parents are growing with their kids and that there is a balance between growing independence and reasonable boundaries.
- It’s tougher than parents think.
- Technology plays a huge role and kids have to learn to navigate an ever changing landscape.
- Unrealistic expectations from parents, teachers, friends, and coaches add more pressure to an already tough stage of life.
Enter Parenting On Track™ – A major theme that runs through all the work we do here is this: To ensure we, as parents, allow our children an opportunity to develop the mental muscle necessary to grow up in the 21st century feeling confident and with the skills necessary to navigate their lives effectively. And to allow our children the freedom to tell us to “back off” when we begin imposing our ideas on how they should run their lives so as not to overwhelm them or send the message that we are not pleased with the decisions they are making.
And one particularly helpful hint Vanessa shared that really hit home for me. Evidently teens don’t appreciate it when parents disguise a suggestion with a question – for example – “Hey do you think it might be a good idea if you did a little extra credit to get your grades up?” Ha! Busted. Sorry kids. I didn’t know there was a name for that. Instead she says – be transparent, ask honest questions and wait until your child begins the brainstorming process. And again, Parenting On Track™ encourages families to help kids articulate problems quickly and spend their energy looking for creative solutions.
I want to thank all 3 of these extraordinary young women, particularly Sydney and Emily for sharing their thoughts, insights and wisdom. I hung up the phone feeling the world was indeed, in very capable hands with these 3 at the helm.
Enjoy the replay!
If you are feeling discouraged because your kids aren’t as nice to each other as you would like, check out L & J, enjoy their moment together, remember that they are normal siblings who fight like cats and dogs and then make up. Remember, that this is possible when you create an environment that is rich with appreciation, acceptance and opportunities to be kind.
Feeling flat, deflated and uninspired, check out this quick reminder that lots of amazing individuals were cast aside by some knuckle head who made the mistake of thinking that WHAT they did was WHO they were. Don’t make that same mistake with your kids.
Find yourself whining a bit this season? Feeling sorry for yourself but not really enjoying it. Want to give yourself a good kick in the pants drop all the nonsense? If so, watch this very quick clip and tell me that you don’t remember why Life Is Good!
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Cookies, presents, gingerbread houses, decorations, more cookies, cards, candles, traditional food, more cookies . . . and the list goes on. Whether you are celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa—or a combination of these—there will be lots and lots of traditional things that you can or might do over the next month. Most of us look forward to the traditions of the holidays. They create a sense of community, familiarity, and the warm feeling of home that we can re-visit each year.
But sometimes, too much of a good thing is, well . . . too much. As December rolls along, it often begins to seem like time is running out, we get stressed, and those wonderful traditions start to feel like they are turning into a part-time job. And then there is the pressure to be like the other families you know, the ones who seem to be able to do it all and do it with a smile. I find myself saying, “You made cookies, again?”; or “Wow, you make your gingerbread house from scratch—and it’s two stories high?”; or “Your children make special cards for each grandparent, aunt, uncle and cousin?”
Needless to say, it can be hard to do it all and enjoy every moment of it too. That’s why, this year, we suggest something different. Instead of trying to do every tradition you can think of, pick one or two that you can do year after year. Find a tradition that isn’t too time-consuming, expensive or difficult to pull off but that is meaningful—one that your kids will remember and love as much as you do.
For example, our family tradition each year is to go over to the rural property we own in a neighboring state to get our Christmas tree. We take the whole day to do this, together as a family. We eat lunch on the road, cut down the tree and then stop for hot chocolate on the way home. We now look forward to this trip all year, and it has become as meaningful for the kids as it is for my husband and me.
We encourage you to find a tradition that your family enjoys, and make the most of it. Once you have accomplished your personal traditional event, everything you do can feel like icing on the cake (or cookie). To get help with ideas for creating a new tradition with your family, here are some links:
See http://www.msichicago.org/scrapbook/scrapbook_exhibits/catw2004/traditions/index.html for examples of holiday traditions from around the world. The site is organized by country.
Check out www.inlu.com for an alternative to traditional gift-giving. Your children or family can sign up for a specific gift, send a notice to friends and family who can contribute toward the gift, and any extra money received goes to the charity of your choice. Inlu takes care of everything, from the notification to the distribution of money AND the thank-you notes! It’s a great idea worth checking out.
To discover ways that children around the world celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa, check out http://teacher.scholastic.com/activities/holidays/
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Even though you might just want to forget about it and hope that Halloween doesn’t happen this year, your kids probably won’t let that happen. And the pictures of them in their cute costumes ARE fun to look back at (even if getting the picture taken was a nightmare). So here are some ideas to help make Halloween a little bit more fun, whatever the age of your children.
For younger kids:
If you want to give out healthy snacks instead of candy, the following websites might be helpful:
- www.wikihow.com/Give-Healthy-Treats-for-Halloween
- www.bankrate.com/baw/news/pf/halloween_frugal_treats1a.asp
And for environmentally conscious folks, check out
You’ll find everything from healthy treats to environmentally-friendly treasures to give out.
For ideas on costumes, decorations, fun Halloween cuisine, games and more, check out
For those pre-teen and teenage kids who really are too old to be trick-or-treating anyway:
Have a party! Let the kids get dressed up if they want to, serve some fun Halloween party food, and play games. If you have the party at your house, you get to join in on the fun, know where your kids are (and what they are doing), and keep kids who are a little too old to trick-or-treat off the streets.
For Halloween party food ideas, see:
If you have any Halloween ideas or traditions that you think might interest others, please share them in the Comments section—we’d love to hear from you. Happy Halloween to all!
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