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Moms and dads I encourage you to read this jaw dropping article from last week on Babble by Mindy Berry Walker. It’s “jaw dropping” because of the honesty in which she writes about the guilt and resentment she carries around with her from day to day. Read the comments and you’ll see she’s not alone.
I wanted to hit the pause button and look at what’s really going on here for this stay at home mom: she’s disconnected and has far too much pressure to perform with enthusiasm. She’s tired. She’s lonely. She’s overwhelmed with the cleaning. She’s resentful of her husband’s ease of his family duties. She is in a struggle between what is real and what her mind is telling her she should and could and would be like if she was a better mom.
But even in her upset, she’s onto something big and powerful and positive: she says she has to get out, she longs for adventure. She puts the effort into finding people to connect with. She shows us how we are social beings and we feel more confident and content when we are accepted and appreciated in any group or community. But every time she slips back into the shadows of her own life, the place where guilt and struggle exist, she begins to unravel and become hollow.
It’s clear how many can relate to her mixed emotions (perhaps you see a glimpse of yourself in her confession). Yes, she loves her children and loves being a mom, but part of her is cracking under the weight and stress that comes from raising kids and being consumed 24-7 with day-to-day details.
I read this last week, but felt compelled to share it after the uplifting weekend I experienced with an amazing group in our women’s renewal retreat. Why? Because we came out of that retreat refreshed, connected, alive and ready to make changes. And honestly, I think we can see the bloggers spiral and despair more clearly with a fresh head on our shoulders. We can now reflect on how we’ve all been there (in some way) and that yes, we can actually find a path to a more satisfied life with our children. How?
Every mother deserves the time to heal, reflect and share– the highs and lows can be debilitating– that’s why we HAVE to make time for ourselves so that we can keep ourselves and each other from sliding into this battle between being the perfect perky mom and the resentful, “going through the motions” mom. Neither existence is satisfying. We’ve got to help each other find that middle ground, the one where we’re real and connected and we have empathy for ourselves and those around us.
The theme of this last weekends retreat was from Judith Dweks book “A Circle of Stones” where she invites women to imagine how their life might be different if there had been a place, a sacred place for them to gather with other women, some older and some younger and share their experiences. Where their doubts and dreams, their fatigue and joy, their judgement and rejoicing was accepted and celebrated and most importantly validated by other women.
She suggests that if women had a place to gather, on a regular basis, to bare witness to each other’s lives, that we might live more balanced, accepting, joyful lives. By the end of the weekend, I believe we all left understanding that each of us could create our own special circle that would renew our spirits and heal our tired minds.
While the article, in some ways, feels like a throwback to the 50s– it’s not and we ought to pay attention to the message. It seems with more pressure to be perfect, tidy, fit, organized, in charge of our kids, make enough money and often with less family nearby, there’s a high level of constant, steady and unhealthy stress sitting on parents’ shoulders. Remember, we are social beings and if you ever get to this point- where you’re so far in the rabbit hole you can’t see the light from overhead, it’s time to pause the action and reach out to a trusted friend.
If you’re feeling down, overwhelmed, exhausted or depleted and you’re looking for a bit of encouragement and to gather with other parents for some inspiration, Parenting On Track is having another retreat in May. Join us!
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Have you ever had the experience of listening to a sermon, hearing a song or reading a book and thinking to yourself, I think that guy wrote that book for me, personally? Well, it happened for me this week when I read Kevin Allen’s new book, “The Hidden Agenda.”
Kevin is part of the Bibliomotion family, the publisher for our book Duct Tape Parenting, so I was especially excited to get my hands on the book and dive in. Little did I know that I would find myself pulled in and held captive by his story in the first few pages. With unbridled enthusiasm and at the expense of some of my household chores, I plowed my way through the book, marker in hand until I was left feeling like I had just been invited behind the curtain at Oz. I’m not kidding. This book hit home for me on so many levels.
First, as Kevin explains what the hidden agenda is and how it shapes an effective marketing message, I realized it couldn’t have come at a more opportune time in the life of my own business. As we begin to grow our business beyond the borders of Vermont and into a global landscape, it is imperative that we understand our customers hidden agenda and articulate our message in a genuine, sincere and authentic way. For to not do so might result in the collapse of a company I have nurtured for over 20 years.
Second, as a parent, I can see that this book has implications for understanding my own children’s hidden agenda’s and how I might tap into them to build a stronger and more trusting relationship with them. I can even imagine assisting them in identifying and articulating their own hidden agenda and using this information to create a life rich with meaning and possibility.
Third, as I reflect on my own hidden agenda and what drives me forward in my life, I am reminded of Dr. Alfred Adler and what first inspired and interested me in his work. It is this deep understanding of ourselves and those around us that brings fulfillment in my work and in my personal life. Much of what Allen writes about resonates with me and I find Adler’s perspective sprinkled within his work.
Whether you are a business owner looking to connect more genuinely to your customer, or you are responsible for creating a marketing campaign for a company of any size, or a parent looking to connect more deeply with your child, this book offers its readers easy access to one of the most illusive and effective tools in understanding and connecting to those you serve and love.
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My job is to travel around from state to state, town to town, and school to school giving advice and helping families make changes in their lives. While I’d like to attribute the Parenting On Track gold to my charismatic charm, humor, wit and deep intelligence, I can’t. I have listed below exactly WHY this stuff works.
1. Philosophy – Dr. Alfred Adler. His work has been around for nearly 100 years. There are thousands of Adlerian Psychologists, therapists and parent educators who work around the world bringing Adler’s work to those looking to develop stronger relationships with spouses, children, co-workers and family members. I’ve spent 20 years studying and adapting his philosophy to meet the needs of the parents I work with. I quote people who are specialists in this field. I don’t make it up! (Yes, okay I admit, I do coin some cool phrases based on this theory).
2. No Play By Play – My approach to helping parents deal with a child’s pesky behavior is to focus on what the parents are doing, not what the kids are doing. Everything I recommend is based on improving the relationship between parent and child, not teaching parents how to dole out discipline or punishment. Everything I teach is relationship focused. Efforts that improve the relationship FIRST, lead to improvement in behavior second. It works all the time.
3. Solutions – I make it a point NOT to go on and on about problems or what a parent should have done in a given situation. I’m in this work to deliver solutions. Solutions grounded in theory that are aimed at improving the relationship. Without a solution, it’s a rant!
4. Real Life Examples - I use real life examples to help parents better understand a situation they are struggling with and believe me, after 20 years in the field, I have lots of examples at my disposal. Examples help parents connect information with action. Without the connection the information can swirl around in a parent’s head leaving them more confused than ever.
Without these to anchor my advice, insight and “wisdom” I’d be pulling tips and tricks out of thin air based on my perception at the moment, and my perception of the situation would lead parents on a wild goose chase, not closer to an understanding of what they could do differently to bring about change.
I’ve spent the past few weeks diving into what’s floating around the internet – holy guacamole folks, no wonder parents are confused! I guess this explains why parents arrive at my classes or workshops with some crazy ideas about parenting. I have discovered that advice is mislabeled from one end of the triple W to the other.
Here’s the deal, if you’re looking for “advice” on the web, you can either say forget it altogether OR you can check it against these following five points:
1. Philosophy – Does it have a legitimate, long-standing philosophy? If yes, then check that the advice is grounded in the main pillars of the belief system.
2. Expert - Is the author trained in the philosophy? You wouldn’t take money advice from a landscaper, unless the landscaper was an entrepreneur teaching you how to grow a business via his journey. See the connection? Experts come in various shapes, so this doesn’t mean you can’t seek tips from a non-traditional source. Just be sure that the source knows his/her stuff and can give insight, context and information that is accurate to the experience.
3. Check for “Get your kids” – Does the article or blog have the words “make your child” or “get your child to” do this not that or do that not this to your child? If yes, skip it! It’s about control and discipline, not the relationship. You’ll just end up further in the weeds. It might work for a minute but you’ll be right back where you started.
4. Rant, rant, rant – Just because a mommy blogger has a great story or wants to share her experience via a credible blogging site doesn’t mean it’s advice! Let’s be clear, I’m not dissing mommy bloggers, they make the web go round! They are fun and they are the best people to share ideas and tricks and tips that worked for them. Remember though, the story they are sharing worked for them and it doesn’t mean you have to run out and try their approach. However, if a mommy blogger uses a credible philosophy (see points 1 & 2), then it’s worth looking into!
5. Lovey-dovey-foo-foo-zoom-zoom – If you just read something and your first thought was, no $h^t Sherlock, then it’s just fluff and you already know it so don’t worry about the latest fad method to introduce the same old common sense!
Parents want to feel connected to or to identify with the ups and downs they experience – this is where a mommy blog or a lovey dovey article does have a purpose. It’s not that the article is crap, it just might be crappy ADVICE. See? So, read headlines that attract you but don’t buy in until you know if it’s rant, crap, fluff, or fad or if it’s grounded in a bigger picture.
Having said all that, here is some of the GOOD STUFF TO READ:
1. Opinion – Opinion articles/blogs can be great food for thought. They can be well researched and can contain facts that back a person’s opinion. (No facts or references? It’s likely a RANT).
2. Blogs by Experts/Organizations – They might not be featured on the biggest sites but you can find life changing tips, tricks, wisdom and so on.
3. Fact Articles – Top tens and other informative articles can give you some new info and let you process it – just be sure to check the credibility of source/author.
I know it’s a lot to process. That’s why I’ve decided to introduce a Parenting On Track Series:
Duct Tape Dragnet: Parenting Articles Worth Reading
Now you can have access to quality articles delivered to you and you don’t have to go wading in the mud to find good opinions, ideas, thoughts and lessons in parenting. Heads up for our first in a series of blogs, articles, sites, books we find on the web that are worth reading!
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Sometimes we can forget to speak to our spouses using kind, compassionate, friendly, loving and appreciative communication. We can forget, that our children are observing us and making some serious decisions about gender issues, relationship issues and will eventually, begin to model to others, what they hear from us when we are speaking to and with our spouses.
Take a deep breath here if you need too. None of us means to be short, snappy, critical or disrespectful, to our spouse, but it can happen.
My husband and I work on our relationship each and every day, not only for ourselves, but for our children as well.
We want them to have strong, loving relationships with their spouses and they are learning from us what that looks like and sounds like.
I can see my kids watching us, storing information for a later date and in fact, I am beginning to witness the first signs of how they interact and communicate with the opposite sex as they enter the dating world. It is clear that they already have strong ideas about male/female relationships and it is a pleasure to hear some of the words, tones and attitudes my husband and I use with each other come from the mouths of our children.
It is a clear and present reminder to both of us that we are always teaching something, so we best be mindful of what we are teaching.
Here are a few Tips for you:
1. Listen to yourself for the next few days. Find the courage to do a true and honest evaluation of your daily communication style with your spouse.
2. Commit to using a more “appreciative communication style” for the next 21 days and then take the time to “notice” for yourself, what changes are occurring.
3. Using appreciations, especially when they are unexpected is a powerful tool in creating a kind, compassionate, understanding and accepting family dynamic.
4. Make sure that your appreciations are sincere and spontaneous. For instance:
- In the middle of a TV show, blurt something kind out so that everyone looks at you in a slightly questioning way
- Shout across the room – Hey, ya know what I love about you……
- Or walk out of the kitchen and whisper something sweet into your spouses ear. The smile on their face will convey to the kids that whatever you said, made the other person feel good inside.
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Be creative and if you tend to be uncomfortable showing emotion, take a small step out of your comfort zone and extend your heart to those you love.
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Where do you want this train to end up?
So, now we’re taking a moment to stand on the platform and look at the map. Inbound and outbound trains all over the wall. Destinations at every end. What is your route? Where do you want to go? Now is the time to pause and draw your own map.
Imagine that at the end of the line, your child is 18. What words would you like to see your child embrace, embody, employ when he steps off the track and into the real world? How are you doing? Are you headed in the right direction? Are you on course? Is it time to readjust or as the GPS voice says recalculate?
Write the words that describe what you really want for your child down at the end. Do it for each one of your children, as you’re probably in a different place with each child and each one of your children has different strengths to build on.
The goals can be anything: Independence. Responsibility. Social Awareness. Community. Confidence. Individuality. Judgement. Caring and Empathy. Decision Making. ANYTHING.
Think about this. What do you really want for your children, beyond being on time for school, or picking up backpacks, or completing contributions before company comes, or hanging up coats, or saying thank you to the neighbor for the ride. Is your current parenting strategy focusing more on where you are going or getting your kids to do what you want in the moment instead?
Take your time and discover what you want and next week – once you have identified where you are going – we’ll talk about what it will take to get there.
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This weekend, several people (my daughter from college in CA included) sent me a link to a story that made me stop and reality check what’s going on out there in the world, for our kids (and as a society, which is totally conflicted if you read through the comments). 14 year old Jonah Mowry puts this video up as a message “IM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF. I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OUT HERE”.
As you watch:
1- Get a tissue. I wondered if his mom knew what he was doing, supported his way of expressing himself and was standing by to hold him when he finished making the video and posting it, or if she was absolutely clueless to this child’s struggle.
2- Ask yourself – if your child was to make a video of their life, right now, without any concern for how it would be received (by you or anyone else), what would they say?
3- If you don’t know, or you think you might now or even if you are absolutely positively sure that you know, find out anyway. My experience, not only with my own 5, but with another thousand or so parents, is that we rarely know what’s really going on in the lives of our kids.
It shouldn’t take a heartbreaking clip like this for us to recognize that we need to be emotionally available for our children- and their friends if they’re heading down this road. Let’s pay more attention. All of us.
His twitter handle:
@JonahMowryReal
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When a problem comes along, you must zip it…zip it good.
Clearly this clip wasn’t chosen for the model parenting but for the idea: JUST ZIP IT.
If you’re already a Parenting On Track ™ parent, you’ve experienced “do nothing, say nothing” week. If you haven’t been through the parenting program, it’s simply a week where you stay out of the kids way. You don’t correct, shush, judge, sweat, cry, clean, remind, remind, remind…. (BASICALLY YOU ZZZZIPPPP IT).
You step back, you shut your mouth, you watch and you learn. And what you are watching is what your kids will do when you are no longer micromanaging their lives. You learn what they will do on their own and what they won’t. You learn that they can do more than you thought and in some cases you learn that they don’t have the slightest idea how to do simple tasks. You learn where their threshold for frustration is and how they handle it. You learn how resourceful they are or how easily overwhelmed they become if they are not “helped” through each situation that comes up. You learn if they enjoy learning or are resistant to it, and yes, some kids are resistant to learning to things, but that’s another post.
You will also learn a boat load about yourself. You will be faced with demons that have lived dormant in your mind for years. You will be forced to face beliefs that seem as if they came from the dark ages. You will see clearly, just how much you interfere in your child’s life and you will have to decide in that moment, whether you will learn to ZIP IT and allow your child a chance to step more fully into their own life, or continue to indulge your already over zealous mouth and spew all your wisdom in an attempt to lay the path for your child to travel (good luch with that one).
We all have a “threshold”, that activates us an fires up our “parenting engine” – hurry up, get your backpack, you’re late, fix your shirt, say please, say thank you, do you have your lunch? HURRY UP!!! and knowing where yours is will come in handy over the next 10, 20 or 30 years with your kids.
So I ask you, what kind of message would you send to your kids if you zipped it? That you trust your child, that you believe they have what it takes to handle managing the daily grind? That if they screw up, make a mistake, choose something wacky, that they can fix it, learn from it and move forward with their life? Gosh, I could go on forever. The benefits are too numerous to count.
So, as Dr. Evil would say (who should ZIP IT himself and let the kid speak), ExZIPIT A…ZippiLongstockings!
(and if you need a little reminder to SHHHH )
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I’m trying a new experiment in blog riffs.
What is a riff you ask? A riff is defined as a rapid, energetic, often improvised, verbal outpouring – so buckle-up!
For any of you that really know me, you know I am hesitant to give my opinion, even when asked. But at the insistence of my business partner, Jennifer, who claims parents want to hear my perspective, I am going to share my thoughts.
These riffs will be longer and more spirited than tweets, but shorter and more free form than normal blog posts. Sometimes less is more. Actually, it almost always is.
I invite you to send me any articles or expert advice that you find out there in the world, and I will be sure to let you know how it fits in with the Parenting On Track philosophy.
Hope you all are enjoying summertime with your families!
-Vicki
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Happy Parenting doesn’t happen by magic. It takes practice. Here are my favorite tips for creating a life with kids that is sure to put a smile on everyone’s face.
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1. Stop worrying about how your children express themselves in terms of their personal style (this includes their wardrobe, accessories, hair and makeup). Learn to notice character traits that define your child as a unique human being.
2. Ignore strangers in the grocery store who give you the hairy eye-ball when your child throws a temper tantrum. Learn to wait quietly as your child finds his/her own solution for dealing with disappointment or frustration (or just being too tired to shop).
3. Don’t interfere if your child decides to go to school in jammies, wear sandals in the snow, or watch tv instead of doing homework. Nature is the best teacher. Celebrate your child’s courage to make a choice and listen as he/she shares the experience without judgment or criticism.
4. Ignore mistakes, big and small, yours and theirs, and remember that mistakes are opportunities to learn.
5. Resist the urge to say “I told you so”, “What were you thinking?” , and “If you had listened to me in the first place, you could have avoided the whole mess.” Imagine yourself in your child’s shoes and then respond accordingly.
6. Leave the mess. When your child is 35 how do you want her to remember you? As the best damn, nagging housekeeper in the neighborhood or as her ally, champion and teacher?
7. Never ever, ever, ever, ask your neighbor how she parents. You wouldn’t take your car to an accountant for an oil change would you? Consider yourself the expert in your child’s life.
8. When you don’t know what to do – do nothing.
9. Challenge every belief you have about what “good” parents do and don’t do and replace it with accurate, factual information that will help you parent from your best.
10. Don’t make the mistake of believing that your children ARE their mischief making. Mischief making is your clue that you are living with a discouraged child. The only solution is to encourage and encourage again.
As part of the Parenting On Track™ Home Program, parents receive 6 free Web Events throughout the year. Last night we hosted a 60 minute Web Event on Adolescence with special guest, Vanessa Van Petten of Radical Parenting (she may sound familiar to many of you as I have recommended her on more than one occasion) and 2 of her interns, Sydney 15, and Emily 13. Because this web event was filled with such great information, we decided to share it with everyone. Don’t worry forum members, we’ll add in another freebie.
Listen to the replay!
Here are a few of the highlights and how investing in the Parenting On Track™ program when your kids are young, makes raising a teen a whole lot more enjoyable for everyone concerned.
- Don’t take the complaining or disagreeing of teens personally. It’s usually just a way for them to vent and they rarely mean anything hurtful.
- Kids do listen to their parents – it just isn’t cool to look too interested or admit it.
- A good relationship with their parents is as important to teens as it is to their moms and dads.
Enter Parenting On Track™ – The basis for the program; relationships built on mutual respect, cooperation, open and honest communication and a solid foundation that can absorb the constant changes our kids experience. You don’t enter the teen years in good shape, if you haven’t invested heavily in the relationship when the kids are young. Another Parenting On Track™ technique that is sure to pay off in the long haul – ignoring the cheap drama of a 3 year old which makes it possible to listen to a teen without getting worried, annoyed, angry or “hooked” into the emotion of the moment. Instead, Parenting On Track™ parents are trained to appreciate where their kids are emotionally at any given moment, the confidence to allow the kids to work through those emotions whenever possible, and the ability to “not” take what is said personally.
- Treating teens like they are still babies.
- Imposing the same rules you established in elementary school on a 15 year old.
- Embarrassing them repeatedly and then not owning up to it or apologizing for doing it.
Enter Parenting On Track™– Vanessa said something that really struck me “Re-evaluate agreements with your kids on a regular basis”. This is where Creating a Roadmap, Implementing Privileges and Responsibilities and Utilizing the Family Meeting come in. Each of the 3 tools ensures that parents are growing with their kids and that there is a balance between growing independence and reasonable boundaries.
- It’s tougher than parents think.
- Technology plays a huge role and kids have to learn to navigate an ever changing landscape.
- Unrealistic expectations from parents, teachers, friends, and coaches add more pressure to an already tough stage of life.
Enter Parenting On Track™ – A major theme that runs through all the work we do here is this: To ensure we, as parents, allow our children an opportunity to develop the mental muscle necessary to grow up in the 21st century feeling confident and with the skills necessary to navigate their lives effectively. And to allow our children the freedom to tell us to “back off” when we begin imposing our ideas on how they should run their lives so as not to overwhelm them or send the message that we are not pleased with the decisions they are making.
And one particularly helpful hint Vanessa shared that really hit home for me. Evidently teens don’t appreciate it when parents disguise a suggestion with a question – for example – “Hey do you think it might be a good idea if you did a little extra credit to get your grades up?” Ha! Busted. Sorry kids. I didn’t know there was a name for that. Instead she says – be transparent, ask honest questions and wait until your child begins the brainstorming process. And again, Parenting On Track™ encourages families to help kids articulate problems quickly and spend their energy looking for creative solutions.
I want to thank all 3 of these extraordinary young women, particularly Sydney and Emily for sharing their thoughts, insights and wisdom. I hung up the phone feeling the world was indeed, in very capable hands with these 3 at the helm.
Enjoy the replay!