Tools Of Necessity
Raise Thinking Children by offering Win-Win Choices.
Most parents I work with don’t really give their kids choices. They think they do, but they don’t. Maybe you will recognize yourself in one of these scenarios
You might say: You have 2 choices. You can…
- Eat your dinner or you will not be able to have dessert.
- Go to bed now or you won’t be able to watch TV for a week.
- Stop hitting your friend or you will not have another play date until you are 8.
- Stop fighting or we won’t go to Grammie’s for brownies and milk.
Those are ultimatums, not choices.
Or you offer a choice you won’t really follow through with.
- You can eat your dinner or I will take your plate away.
- Stay in your bed or I will close the door.
- Are you going to feed the dog or are we taking him to the Humane Society?
- Behave or we won’t finish grocery shopping.
As a parent you think there are good choices and bad choices.
- You ask your child if she would like to wear the hat or carry the hat; and she says neither, you say that was not one of the choices.
- You tell the child he can either follow the rules on the playground or stay in for recess; and he chooses staying in for recess, you say no you need fresh air.
- You ask your child if he would like to wear his boots or get his feet wet; and he says get my feet wet thank you very much, you say no – that was a bad choice – you can’t have wet feet all day!
- You say are you going to hang up your coat or put it on the floor? Miraculously, your child decides to hang it up and you say that was a good choice.
In order to raise independent, self confident, thinking children, we have to offer win-win choices and — more importantly — learn to respect whatever choice our child makes. You don’t want to raise robotic, compliant children in this day and age. It’s just too dangerous.
Let’s set the record straight about choices.
As a mother who has raised five children – I know first hand – there is no such a thing as a good choice or a bad choice. There are choices that either bring you closer to what you want, or move you further way from it. Yes, some choices are more inconvenient than others, but unless it’s morally or physically dangerous what difference does it make?
- As adults, we make thousands of choices every day. In fact, we make so many choices in the course of one day, that we rarely consider the power they have in our lives.
- As parents, our job is to offer children choices throughout their day and let them practice making them – without worrying about the outcome.
- When children are little, the outcomes may be inconvenient, but they aren’t life threatening.
- We want to support them as they become more confident in making choices and living with the consequences of those choices – good or bad. This is how they learn to develop discernment, which they will need as tweens, teens and young adults.
- The key to offering a win-win choice is that it is something the child can live with and something you can live with. It isn’t a demand or ultimatum.
- Most importantly we have to respect whatever choice they make, no matter how inconvenient it may be for us.
Rules of the Game:
- Set choices that are a win-win: Hagan Daas or Ben and Jerry’s? Blue boots or yellow boots? Skip to the car or run to the car?
- Never give a choice you can’t live with: Stop fighting or we are leaving the grocery store. Can you follow through knowing you don’t have any milk in the house?
- Remain Firm & Kind: Be careful your body language and tone of voice don’t reveal which option you would like your child to choose. If your child knows which one you want him to choose, he will either choose the opposite OR do what you want and miss the opportunity of developing the independent thinking we are talking about.
- Stay Friendly: It’s always easier to be optimistic when you are feeling friendly.
If a choice is not the best option, use another strategy.
It’s Okay if your children do not want either of the choices you offer. Just ask, what they would like to choose. This is an indication that you have brilliant children. And yes, sometimes they might choose the opposite. Stay cool, and offer the two choices you can live with. Then, find a quiet time to talk about working together and cooperating with each other.
Identify all the ways you can support your child as they develop the skills and the willingness to make choices in their lives and watch as they grow into amazing, confident, thoughtful people.
Posted in Tools Of Necessity
This blog post is reprinted with permission from the author, an amazing, committed, passionate, flexible, creative mother, wife, sister and friend.
For more inspirational posts, visit http://flockmother.wordpress.com/
Some people will think I’m a bad mom.
There it is. That jagged little pill. I still haven’t completely choked it down. It gives me that little pit in my stomach when I force myself to do what’s best for my kids … even in public.
“Does she have a backpack?” asked the driver of the van that Charlotte takes to camp each morning.
I knew it was still in our car that was parked about 10 yards away.
“Yes. In the car,” I said. He stared at me.
“Is she going to have it by the time I drive away?” he asked, eyebrows raised.
“I don’t know,” I said as we watched Charlotte settle in to the back seat without her backpack. I smiled uncomfortably and said, “We like to say, ‘If you don’t want to do it forever, don’t do it once!’”
“Okaaay….” he said, eyebrows still raised in disbelief.
My stomach tightened slightly as we stood in silence. Ten seconds passed and then we watched as Charlotte calmly unfastened her seat belt, hopped out of the van, and ran to the car to get her backpack.
Yes, some people will think I’m a bad mom. But what’s more important, what they think? Or this:
Read some comments below:
Great one! Thank you for including the quote, “If you don’t want to do if forever, don’t do it once.”
Hey, we’re all getting more comfortable with sitting in uncomfortable spots with this stuff…and somehow it always pays off. Kudos to you for this one, love the idea that your trust in your kids and their ability to handle things is not willing to be rocked by other people’s preconceptions.
Reply from Flockmother: Yes, each time it gets a little easier to ignore the skeptics. Sometimes I still have to consciously control the self-talk in my head. This time it was, “Either she’ll remember on her own, or she’ll find a way to get through her day without it. Either way, I trust that she’ll be fine, and what this guy here thinks of that just … doesn’t … matter.”
That and shoving my hands in my pockets and pursing my lips shut helps too.
Taking the time to notice the patterns that exist in our lives with kids and responding to the patterns in new ways, in other words, doing something different, is often times the easiest and most effective solution.
Why? Because any time we switch it up with our kids, something happens for both the parent and child. Our brains go from automatic pilot to fully engaged.
In the parent’s case, this is the difference between using ineffective, unhealthy and negative parenting strategies and replacing them with intentional, enhancing and powerful parenting strategies that work over time to completely change the family environment.
In the child’s case, this means they “wake up”. The recognize there is something new happening and old responses are no longer working to engage parents. It means they are required to use their creative process to interpret what is happening and to come up with new strategies and to question whether these new strategies are effective when it comes to engaging their parents.
Here is a recap of a conversation I had recently with a parent about the power of ignoring:
“I noticed that although I thought I was ignoring tantrums, I really wasn’t. I was somehow still engaged. Now, I take a minute and decide – really decide, that I am going to go on with what I am doing and you know what – it makes all the difference. Now I am actually ignoring what they are doing and when I do, the mischief making stops.”
There you go. Ignoring the shenanigans was the “doing something different”.
Here is how it works:
- Kids are going to make mischief.
- They depend on you to be consistent in your parenting strategies. If these include nagging, lecturing, yelling and punishing, this is what the child is accustomed to and they know how to respond.
When you decide to ignore, the game changes. - Typically, a child will escalate their antics, hoping to get the response they are use to getting from their folks. In their mind, they are thinking “Hey! You! Parent! What’s up? Look at me. I am being “naughty”. Do something. Do what you do.
- When this doesn’t happen, when you continue to ignore, the kids begin to push back even harder. The mischief making intensifies again, in the hopes that parents will “go back to the old way”.
- Finally, when they are worn out and convinced, that mom or dad aren’t going back to their old ways, they are required to “think”. Hence my constant reminder to parents that we are indeed trying to RAISE thinking children.
- When we decide, when we are intentional in our decision making process, ignoring shifts from a passive, giving in act – to a powerful, respectful, intentional dynamic act. That’s a big difference. From passive to active. Ignoring behavior now becomes a powerful pro-active parenting strategy.
Ignoring is only the beginning. The Parenting On Track™ program is designed to help parents discover what isn’t working and to replace that with strategies that focus on enhancing both the relationship parents have with their kids and their child’s ability to grow into an independent and confident person.
Posted in Tools Of Necessity
I can’t tell you the number of teachers I have spoken with or conversations I have had with parents around this sticky subject.
Here is a thought from one teacher that sums up so nicely a perspective that supports the goal of creating responsible kids by allowing them to make decisions, experience their results and adjust accordingly.
“It is most certainly a disservice to children, teachers and our community at large when parents insert themselves into a child’s homework responsibilities. Each time a child is denied the opportunity to solve this age old problem, their learning stops. Answering all 24 math problems is not nearly as important as making all the decisions necessary to complete the homework assignment.”
I couldn’t agree more. So the next time you are tempted to jump in and help, remember the powerful words of one 30 year veteran and find something else to do that will enhance the relationship with your child.
Enjoy the free time.
Posted in Tools Of Necessity
- No, you may NOT watch another TV show…
- No, you may not touch that; you are too young…
- No, you may not go to Johnnie’s house…
- No, because I just don’t want you to…
- No, you may not have something to eat 30 minutes before dinner…
- No, no, no (can you picture the finger wagging here?)…
Do you ever feel like all you do all day is say “No” to your children? Did you ever wonder what all of that negative “No you can’t do it” does to your children’s sense of self and self-worth? The short answer is, more than you may think.
“No” is one of the quickest ways to stifle your child’s budding sense of independence and self-fortitude. I know that none of you wants to do that, so here’s an easy way to change the negative into a positive and say “Yes…”, without giving complete control of the house over to the kids.
Your job as a parent is to say “Yes” as often as you can and to as many things as you can. Do I mean say “yes” to everything and turn your children into pampered, indulged children? Of course not! While it is your job to say yes, it is your child’s job to convince you, by showing you, that you can say yes to his/her request. This balance is what helps set up a healthy, mutually respectful relationship, where children are given an opportunity to prove that they are “growing into” responsible adults. It will also help parents navigate the balance between giving too much, too soon or withholding too much for too long.
It looks like this: The child would like a “privilege” and you as the parent help them decide what responsibilities they must prove they can handle BEFORE they are allowed to have the privilege.
Here’s an example:
Privilege: Eating Out (at a restaurant, or a friend’s house, etc …)
- Remember table manners
- Eat what you order
- Sit still in your seat
- Engage in conversation
- Make eye contact
- Use “please” and “thank you”
- Maintain a respectful tone of voice
I recommend that when you have identified what the privilege is, you sit down with your children and together make up the list of responsibilities. They will be more inclined to go along with it. Now you might be wondering how long they are required to maintain these newfound skills in order to gain this new privilege—once, for a week, for a year? Really, it’s up to you, but here’s what I suggest: One week for children five and under; 15 to 20 days for children ages five through fifteen; one month for children over age 15. This time frame will provide a way for your children to turn those responsibilities into habits.
The Privileges and Responsibilities strategy is one my favorites, as I have used it over and over with all of my children, from the time that they were very young to the time that the privilege was driving the car. I also like it because it is an easy way to get away from saying “No” all of the time, and instead say, “Yes… show me.”
For more information on Privileges and Responsibilities, see Ch. 8 of the Parenting On Track™ Program.
Posted in Tools Of Necessity
I wake up. Realize it is light at 6:00 am. The first sign that winter is fading and spring is on the way. It is a new beginning and a great time to get ready for the lazy, crazy, busy and fun-filled months of summer.
BUT—before we jump straight into another season of action, I want to suggest that this year, we begin by taking a bit of time for ourselves. You know, prepare for all that sun and fun we are about to take on. That’s why this month, April, the Parenting On Track™ Newsletters will focus on Wellness. Enjoy this short journey through Pampering Ourselves—Body, Mind and Spirit—as we enter this new season of spring.
Every season provides us with rain, maybe a little more during the spring—hence the saying “April Showers…”. I think the same can be said for every relationship we are in, including the relationship with our children. Sometimes we experience a mild April Shower and then there are the times we experience a really nasty storm. What I know after 20 years in the biz, along with raising five splendid kids, is this: It isn’t the storm that affects the relationship between parent and child as much as it is how we HANDLE the storm.
I like to refer to the stormy times of our relationships with our children as the “Slippery Slope.” The Slippery Slope is that place—that crossroad—when you are aware that at any moment things could go from bad to worse. You can FEEL it. And regardless of how you got there, what you do next will determine whether you move away from the edge or go down head-over-tea kettle into the Rabbit Hole. The Slippery Slope is your chance to Stop—Think—and Choose.
What do you do when you are at the top of the Slippery Slope? Chances are, like lots of parents, you have some sort of discipline strategies that you hope will get you out, and guess what? They almost never work. You can’t dig your way out of a hole, and a discipline strategy when the storm is rising seems to make things worse.
So, here is something else you could try—something that will get you down from the top of the Slippery Slope, while at the same time, preserve and enhance the relationship with your children. Thousands of parents have already tried it, and the results are nothing less than, well miraculous.
The Parenting On Track™ Program has several Slippery Slope strategies to choose from, depending on the situation, but I will focus on a couple of my favorites here. The first, and one that is a central part of all the others, is Firm and Kind.
Firm is respectful to you as the parent, and Kind is respectful to your children. Using a firm and kind tone of voice will show that you have set boundaries for yourself and that you love and respect your child. Remember: If your children hear you talk to them in a firm and kind voice, they will talk to you with kindness (even when they are teenagers!).
The second strategy I want to highlight here is Yes—as soon as …
In case you didn’t already know, your job as a parent is to say YES as often as you can to your children. Does this mean you say yes to anything they ask for and let them walk all over you? Of course not!
Here’s an example, to give you an idea of how this works: You and your child have agreed that he will clean his room before going to his friend’s house. Instead of nagging, reminding, lecturing, yelling or fighting, when he asks to go, simply say, “Yes, as soon as you follow through with your agreement.” The important thing to remember is that the room is not the issue; the agreement is a skill set that your children can practice over and over again.
This strategy will work for years and in countless situations:
“Can I watch TV?” … “Yes, as soon as your homework is done.”
“Can you play this game with me?” … “Yes, as soon as you take care of your daily contribution.”
“Can I have my friends over?” … “Yes, as soon as you clean up your room and help clean the den.”
The great thing about this strategy is that when used in conjunction with Firm and Kind, you no longer have to lecture and yell about homework and contributions and whatever else you remind your children about every day. Instead, you have replaced all that with a kind, fair interaction that your children will respect you for in the end.
Unfortunately, Mother Nature doesn’t care how kind we are and whether we have treated our children and ourselves with respect; she is guaranteed to send us a nasty storm every now and then. But, fortunately, our children do care about being in a respectful relationship, and when you work with them by using the Parenting On Track™ Slippery Slope strategies, you will find that those really nasty storms just don’t seem to come around anymore.
For more Slippery Slope strategies, refer to Chapter 11 of the Parenting On Track™ Home Program.
Screaming kids got you down? Does every situation among your not-of-legal-agesters end up in a fight?
Perhaps you’ve recently found yourself having one of those June Cleaver moments where you look into the mirror and say, “If only they could get along, everything would be just swell.” OK, OK, that reference is a bit of a throwback, but I just had to do it! Check out the Google Images of June for some real fun!
Now, back to the brawling already in progress…
If you’re looking for solutions to stop sibling rivalry and fighting, or would just like your children to be nicer to one another, consider your role in the equation.
I know many parents suspect that they have something to do with all the fighting, but they simply can’t figure out what that something is. Well, here it is – your kids are often fighting FOR YOU. Hard to believe, but true nonetheless. As parents, we have a lot to do with the fighting that goes on between our kids.
Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at a few scenarios with insights. Tell me if these sound familiar or make sense to you:
If you leave the room when the kids are fighting, do they follow you?
- If the kids were really involved in the fight, they wouldn’t care where you are in the house. The fact that they follow you around proves that they are looking for an audience. Without one, what’s the point of the fight?
Do the kids tell on each other when the fight has ended?
- That means only one thing – the kids want you involved. Have you ever noticed that the minute you start asking about the details, the fight seems to start again, and now YOU are upset and yelling?
Do the kids demand that you punish one or the other for causing the fight?
- Kids want to draw you into their fighting and have you pick your favorite. Of course, they have to relay the whole fight back to you so that you get all the details and make the right call. Now you’re really involved – those clever kids!
Do the kids yell loudly enough for you to hear?
- Kids are yelling for you, making sure you can hear every word they say. After all, they want to make sure you know who the “bad” child is so you can punish him properly.
If you offered them ice cream, would they stop the fighting?
- Let’s face it. In such cases, the kids are not REALLY fighting. And, whatever it was that got them going, it certainly wasn’t worth losing ice cream over. They may be bored, and are most certainly trying to engage you, but they’re not really fighting.
Still not sure whether any of this is pertains to what’s happening in your household? Take the next few days and ask yourself the questions listed above as your children are fighting. The answers you discover will provide you with valuable information about where to start to help your children decide to stop fighting.
As parents, we do the best we can with the information we have. The simple fact is, at times, we need new information to keep up with a constantly changing playing field. If your children are fighting, this may be the perfect time to get that new perspective for yourself and your family.
The Parenting On Track™ Home Program gives you a chance to look at challenging situations like sibling rivalry in a new way. Then, we encourage and support you as you develop the most logical, common-sense strategies for YOUR family. Let’s face it, no two families are alike, so no two strategies will work for every family.
Here’s an example of a few strategies that may fit your unique family dynamic. They’re all focused on empowering your children to interact differently with each other:
- Whenever possible – ignore the fighting.
- Find other ways to acknowledge your kids that have nothing to do with their fighting.
- Switch your focus. Comment – don’t praise – when they are doing something positive.
These, and many other Parenting On Track strategies, can help you to eliminate the fighting in your house. It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen. Just understanding that the fighting is not necessarily about them, it’s about you, is a great first step towards household harmony!
Posted in Tools Of Necessity
As parents, we can’t believe our ears. The kids have only been out of school for a few weeks and they’re already whining, “I’m bored. There’s nothing to do!”
Years ago you could give a kid a spoon and a bucket and you wouldn’t see them for two weeks; if you gave them a jack knife and a rock, they would come back with tales of Robinson Crusoe; and if they had a cape and a box, they would put on musicals for the neighborhood that rivaled Broadway Productions. I guess times have changed… but, why?
Here’s my take. A large part of all this is because many parents feel they have to keep their children entertained from the moment they arrive on the planet!
Today’s parents spend all day moving infants from bouncy chair to bouncy chair. When that doesn’t keep a child “happy” anymore, they put them on their backs with those bars over head so they can swat the little toys back and forth; after three swats the little munchkin starts to squirm and make noise, so we roll them onto their stomachs. That lasts all of 60 seconds, so then we pick them back up and rock them, bounce them, hold them, look at them… and on and on it goes.
Bored? Of course these kids are easily bored! As soon as they let out a whimper and whine, instead of waiting a few minutes and letting the children find something more interesting to do, we pick them up and start all over again.
Parental Newsflash: your kids are bored because they have never been given the chance to learn how to entertain themselves. In fact, you might say they’ve been paralyzed by years of pampering. And here’s the best part…
At some point we, being the geniuses who created the problem in the first place, decide that our kids are somehow, all of a sudden, old enough to entertain themselves, and it’s no longer our job to entertain them anymore. That’s when the chorus of “I’m bored!” begins and we, though infinitely wise, throw our hands in the air wondering why.
Okay, if you’ve read this far and are still with me, you see that the parent has played a big role in creating the boredom “problem”. Now, the question is, what can we do to solve it. Here are a few ideas and a tip or two you may want to try.
Boredom Isn’t so Boring After All
First, it’s important to realize that boredom, real or perceived, isn’t such a bad thing. Kids need “space” in order to tap into their creative side and discover and develop their own brilliance. It’s often only in those bored moments that they can explore their imagination, find out who they are and what they want to do, or just learn to rely on themselves and their own ingenuity to pass the time.
So the next question is how do you go from being the entertainer to empowering your children to deal with boredom in their own way? Try this…
The next time your kids say “I’m bored,” try asking them how they want to solve that problem. If they say they don’t know, get out a big piece of paper, make a list of all the “honey do” jobs you can think of, as well as all the activities that they can do without parental involvement, and ask them to pick the three they want to start with. You’ll be surprised how many kids can solve the boredom problem when given the opportunity.
The Parenting On Track™ Home Program can help you to bridge the gap between entertaining and empowering because it focuses on
- Teaching children how to entertain themselves instead of being entertained
- Teaching children how to develop self-control instead of being controlled
- Teaching children how to motivate themselves instead of being motivated by outside rewards
- Teaching children how to identify what they believe in instead of going along with the group because they had never been asked their opinion
- Teaching children how to develop self-discipline instead of waiting to be disciplined
With the steady development of all these skills, your children will be ready to solve the “problem” of boredom and so many other challenges in their daily lives which, by the way, is excellent training for any future adult!
Posted in Tools Of Necessity