Parenting Strategies
We all know what it looks and feels like when the family is running smoothly and the path is clear and smooth, pointing towards our destination. People are agreeable, things are happening with little drama or resistance or argument. If feels good, people are generally happy and there’s not a whole lot of anything specific going on to get in the way of the daily grind. Life is just cruising and you can find the time to think, “I like this. This is how I imagined family life and raising kids would be.”
However, when we get tripped up as parents, or when our track of smooth daily life takes a turn—suddenly we find ourselves caught in a battle of wits, a cycle of ineffective discipline, or a rush to get out of the door—we start to do some very obvious and specific things to try to get “back on track.” We try SO hard to correct the list of bad behaviors and focus on “how it should be” that we turn on the switch for all kinds of parenting tactics that may or may not make sense, be healthy for you or your family, or get you anywhere close to “happyville”.
Still, when the family starts to veer a little left, it’s as if the driver flips the switches and it’s go time. You were cruising along and “bam”, something happens and you’re – YELLING. Bribing. Controlling. Snapping. Demanding. Rushing. Shushing. Hushing. Brushing (RIGHT NOW WE HAVE TO GO!). We just open up and let it fly. Do you have this? Don’t say that. Why did you do THAT? I told you so. We just turn the headlights onto what’s going wrong, and temporarily bypass the gut-check that says, this might not be helpful, but I’m gonna say it anyway!
Suddenly, you find yourself thirteen miles from where you started. You may have solved the problem at the moment, but you expect it might return tomorrow, or in an hour, and so you brace for it. And then, when you find yourself one hundred miles down the track, you admit. I’m headed in the wrong direction!
When you’re parenting from this place, the one where you’re act exactly like you want to (and also, the way you don’t want your kids to behave), even though you know it’s not really going to work for the long haul, it is here that you are – tripped up. You recognize that things are feeling out of control or that you aren’t connected with your kids. This is the place where you reach in your pocket and grab your go-to strategies (see your list from last post).
Instead of these go-to strategies, now is the time to hit the brakes. After all, a derailed train will likely end in some form of train wreck. That’s only exciting in Hollywood, and we all know, this ain’t the movies!
Okay, so you’ve hit the brakes right? You’re like Denzel Washington and the cute young gentleman in Unstoppable. You’ve done it. You stopped your mind and you recognize that you’re pulling ineffective tactics from your pocket. You realize the yelling or the bribing or the micro-managing or the dictating isn’t exactly working and now ask yourself;
WHY DO I DO THIS?
Be totally honest. After 20 years of parent education, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess the answer will be something like,
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“Because my kids need to stop what they are doing.”
“Because we have to be on time.”
“Because what my kids are doing is embarrassing me”
“Because it won’t get done right or sometimes done at all.”
“Because my kids need to learn a lesson.”
“Because my kids can’t get away with what they are doing.”
“Because I know best.”
“Because that’s how it’s done. “
Great. Now take a moment to PRINT this chart. Go back and fill in the first three boxes. Leave the fourth one blank. We’ll get to that on Friday.
For today, focus on the question: HOW DO I JUSTIFY STAYING ON THIS TRACK? Is it convenience, status, order, time management, and so on. Parents everywhere know they’re using strategies they don’t like and want to change, but in the end, in the face of opposition from a youngster, they go right back to it. Write it down. Think about it. Write it down again and think about it some more. On Friday we’ll take a moment to identify long term goals for your kids and consider how doing what you are doing today is keeping your entire family “off track”.
Posted in Parenting Strategies
As we said before, packing a lunch is a very useful and “real life” habit that will help your child develop responsibility, time management and confidence. It’s also a nice way to send the message that you trust your child with decisions that affect her life.
Here are 5 ways to help you make this process smooth and simple so that you can walk out of the kitchen and trust they can handle it.
1. EASY REACH: USE LOW STORAGE FOR SUPPLIES
The kitchen is where we keep all the necessities for packing lunches and making meals. Unfortunately, we often keep the clingwrap, napkins, bread and other essentials up high. Open your cabinets and open the low drawers- can your children use these items for making lunches? Or, is it stuff that can be put up high until it’s needed. You can even bring your dishes, bowls and cups to a lower height to make this easier for meals at home. In order to help your child’s independence, put anything and everything your child might need like straws, napkins, lunchbags, and so on. within easy reach.
2. GET YOUR LIDS & BOXES TOGETHER
Nothing says frustration like searching for containers and lids that don’t match. Stock one drawer, bin or cabinet and make sure that they can find matching lids and containers without needing you to “help” by digging through three buckets of plastic for them—it’s a pain. Set them up for success with matching storage containers / jars, etc. This includes drink bottles and screw tops as well!
3. PLAN AHEAD AND STOCK UP
If you have to, spend Sunday nights stocking the kitchen so the mornings are smooth and hands off. Stock one bottom drawer in the fridge with a week’s worth of juiceboxes, or other choices they can grab and pack themselves. Fill the other drawer with fruit or “healthy” options like yogurts, cheese, apple slices, premade “pbj” circle sandwiches, or applesauce, and so on. Stock the pantry or lower cabinet/drawer with a variety of snack, they can be crackers, graham crackers, or chips depending on what you’re committed to. Then tell the kids to choose one snack, one fruit and one dairy and they can choose the rest, or whatever your guildelines are. The most important part is to let THEM CHOOSE. If you’ve stocked it, it’s fair game!
4. MAKE THE SNACKS WIN-WIN
Yes, they will want cookies and junk over healthy stuff but you can set the tone for a healthy lunch by offering “treats” you can live with. This will get them excited to pack their lunches – even if you HATE those fruit rolly things they ask for every time—if they agree to pack and eat other healthy options as well, let them have some sort of “exciting” lunch food they’ve been asking for – just choose something you can live with, vs. something that will eventually make you step in and say no. Kids are willing to balance their own lunches if they can have some say in what goes in there! So, again, stock a space and set a limit (there are five days, five roll ups, and if they eat them all by Tuesday, well, then, they’re out and they’ll have to choose something else). But, if they want one everyday, they’ll have to pace themselves. The point is, your kids are practicing real life skills. You can’t expect a 13 year old to make skillful choices if they haven’t been making them for 10 years. So provide opportunities for the kids to learn.
5. AIM FOR 3 of 5 DAYS TO START
Don’t set out on this change in habit without setting some realistic goals. The first week might go great, but then everyone will fall off. Just know this will happen (it might not, but plan for it). Then, once you’ve gotten an idea of how you’d like to see the mornings go, aim for three days of the five. If you only hit two, well, it’s better than nothing. Keep going until your children trust you’re not even thinking about their lunches anymore! It takes time and it’ll never be perfect. Remember to invite them into the kitchen when you are preparing meals, this will help them feel more comfortable and practice outside of a morning or bedtime routine. Let yourself have a little room to make mistakes and it’ll be much easier to stick with it.
Posted in Parenting Strategies
There’s something more delicious than a PBJ or bagel with cream cheese in your child’s lunch—something sweeter than a fresh baked cookie or chocolate milk. It’s CONFIDENCE. 100% pure confidence and responsibility…that is, if your daughter packs her own lunch, all by herself without any interference from you.
Maybe your child is already doing this and that’s terrific. But, perhaps she doesn’t – and you’re the one up early every morning, folding and zipping balanced foods into a Spongebob shaped lunchbox. If you are, the good news is you don’t have to do this and you don’t have to feel bad about quitting the job! Here’s the deal: by doing this task everyday for your child, you’re forfeiting a PERFECT opportunity to give your child some choice and real world decision making experience.
It may sound like no big deal, but a kid who packs his lunch is making decisions, testing his judgment (I can’t tell you how many times a kid has over packed or under packed, only to come home and admit they need to adjust the portions). They are practicing time management- everyday, before they leave they have to be sure they have food for the day. If they fall behind or forget, they have to figure something else out (like get the emergency lunch offered at the lunch line). When a child packs her own lunch, she realizes that she’s in charge of her decisions and is more willing to eat what she puts in there.
The biggest benefit to handing off this “chore” is that you’re saying to your kid, sure, I trust you to make a decision and stick to it. I also trust that you can do it.
Again, if packing lunch seems too simple a task to teach this valuable life lesson, I urge you to think about why you are hesitant to even consider the idea. You’ll be late. They’ll make bad choices! You don’t want to deal with the mess, and so forth. All the reasons why you “just take care of it” are the exact reasons, this is an awesome habit that will give your child some real world responsibility.
Yes, this effort will take some time and some planning, but don’t write it off, even if you fail a few days or weeks in. Try again and you’ll see that once you commit to giving it over to your child, your child will commit to taking care of it.
Posted in Parenting Strategies
As parents, sometimes we hit a wall. We find ourselves wondering, how did I get here and who is this aggressive child that used to be so sweet and loving? After 20 years in parent education, I can give you three good reasons why your child is no longer willing to cooperate.
1. Your relationship is injured.
Somewhere in your daily dynamics, the child who once respected you or showed you affection, has been exposed to a rip, snag or tear in the fabric of its foundation. There is something far deeper than a power struggle over taking out the trash at play. How to fix and injured relationship is similar to fixing an injured leg – time and patience and relearning how to communicate. You might have to swallow some pride– somewhere along the way, the relationship got stuck– wiggle out delicately or you’ll only injure it further.
2. The Kid is Bored Out of her Gourd
And I don’t mean the kind of bored where he is idle and needs to find something to do. The kid is bored socially because she’s not involved in community, arts or something meaningful. Even if her calendar is penciled in through 2020, she could be completely disconnected to what she’s doing. Think of adults who get stuck in dead end jobs – they go stir crazy because nothing has meaning and they feel as though life is slipping by. Kids sense this as well! Keep trying to connect a child with something that has meaning, including jobs, community service, foreign language, music and more. Now think of the happy adults you know – they’re probably contributing to their community and feel largely connected to the people around them.
3. He Thinks you Don’t Trust him
Perhaps you’re meddling, doing-for, nagging and correcting how he does this, that and everything in between. If a kid is really on you at every interference, try backing off! Maybe, just maybe he wants you to expect more from him. Here’s where contributions and self regulation can help you out. He can do his own laundry and so he should. He can make his lunch, choose his clothes and decide when to get his homework finished. These are the tiny restraints we layer on our children that cause anger and rebellion. Shift away from the back and forth over tiny details and step back to see what happens.
Bottom line? Tweens are testing boundaries and making their place in the world. Their behavior is simply a reflection of how they got here and whether or not they feel confident, secure and capable. If they’re acting out, they’re telling you something loud and clear!
Posted in Parenting Strategies
I remind parents in nearly every workshop I teach, that in order for them to get their family on track and in a direction that will benefit them (and the world), mom and dad, MUST QUIT THEIR JOBS AS THE MAID. This means taking the time to unlearn the tendency to hit the auto-pilot button and do everything for everyone all the time.
Here are FIVE solid reasons you could, you can, and you will enjoy this experience:
1. Hamper Heaven: They Can and Will Do their Own Laundry
Nothing says easier mornings than a kid who washed his own clothes and brought them up to his room last night. No looking for his socks. No yelling, “Mom! did you remember to run the dryer!?” and no meltdowns over a missing supply of jeans. Once they do their own, they won’t ever want you meddling in their way again.
2. Drink Your Coffee While THEY Make Lunch in the Morning
Yes, it’s a task to train them, but it only takes a few days. Then, they’re up and taking care of their own nutritional needs while you relax a bit and chat as they decide whether to make another PBJ sandwich or a bagel with cream cheese. This is a chance for you to kick your feet up and watch as the mornings become a symphony of smooth systems and confidence builds (for everyone in the family) with each successful lunch session.
3. Family Time Matters, A Spotless House Does Not
Once you have permission (I’m granting you permission right NOW) to say, “screw it, who cares if the house is a a tad-bit messier or if the dishes have to wait on the counter for an extra 10 minutes”, you can let out the head pressure of trying to keep an eternally clean house (the neat freaks are gasping, I’m sorry) and put your focus back on what really matters, connecting with your kids. This intentional and thoughtful decision to stop the cleaning and auto-straightening and check-listing, frees up time and energy to emotionally be there for your children and stay tuned into the relationship.
4. To-Dos: Delegate and Appreciate
Once the family has worked chores, or as we call them “contributions” into the daily schedule, you can begin to let go of tasks that you’d normally be whizzing around trying to fit into the daily grind. And you don’t have to go in and re-do the second rate vacuum job your 7 year old attempted before school. Instead, you can support the kids and encourage them as they practice until they master this easy task and it becomes a part of their repertoire. It’ll take time but baby steps will guide you into a communal contribution system. This is something I guarantee you WILL appreciate!
5. Grow Confident, Together
When you decide to quit your job as the maid, you allow your kids to participate more fully in family life. That means making more decisions and taking on more responsibility. You also accept more mess, which to a child can mean wearing backwards clothing he picked out himself or cleaning the bathrooms when it’s convenient for her (not you). This naturally opens up a new energy, a sense of ownership and accountability that children carry with them into the “real world” and into future relationships. As a parent, by learning to let go, you discover the house doesn’t fall apart but instead, little people show up and keep their part of the system in check. Is everything perfect every time? No. Will you end up helping them with laundry or have to pack a lunch sometimes? Yes, but if you make the effort to consciously reduce the amount of “tasks” and to-dos on your list, you’ll find that the entire family benefits, PLUS it sure feels nice to quit that thankless job!
Posted in Parenting Strategies
As we start the year, here’s a little list by the Dalai Lama to copy, paste and print off. Put a flyer in your bathroom and one in the kids. (If you have any graphic skills, you could snazz it up a bit). Notice numbers 12, 19 and 20. A loving atmosphere is the foundation to your life, not a judging, nagging, reminding, checklisting, yelling and zero patience atmosphere. Just love – even for the kids who act at times like brats, whiners, noodlers or angry, grouchy, dramatic and complicated offspring. Remember, if you stop and show love for a child who’s “pushing your buttons” and is about to send you into a tizzy, it will build the foundation for a better future.
Similarly, if you want those around you, including you, your spouse and your children, to be happy, you must practice compassion. We cannot expect behaviors we don’t model for our children. We cannot demand they do things our way and we cannot overlook the very real factors that influence their lives, even if they’re “just kids”. We have to show up, take risks and move it forward. Otherwise, we just might end up feeling frustrated, angry and disconnected. These life lessons can be applied and shared within our families, for a happy and satisfying experience with our kiddos. Muah!
Instructions for Life by The Dalai Lama
1 . Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s: – Respect for self, – Respect for others and – Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
20. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
Posted in Parenting Strategies
We found a great article this week posted on Real Zest.com – 5 Simple Ways to Get More out of Life
It was posted for women and men everywhere, and we felt that it applied perfectly to moms and dads, too – especially those of you who use your kids as an excuse NOT to take care of yourselves. Enjoy!
1. Be more selfish about your time.
“When you take time for yourself you recharge all the things that make you wonderful. When you’re all charged up and your best self, oh how easy it is to adore you!”
To do starting this week: Identify what your kids can do for themselves, and then get out of the way and let them do it. Then, each week, identify one thing your kids can’t do, and teach them how to do it. Keep adding each week, until finally, the morning has become your coffee break and all you do is hug and kiss your kids before they head out the door.
2. Belittle more imperfections.
“If you’re like other fabulous people I know, you’re very, very good at belittling your (and other’s) finer points. Maybe the things that feel like imperfections are actually things that set you (and others!) apart from the crowd. Make a point to belittle the things that deserve belittling. The paltry, annoying, meaningless idiocies we all encounter but spend too much time on. You know what I’m talking about.”
To do starting now: Start replacing mean thoughts with nicer ones. It’s a bit like singing when your sad just to turn things around inside. Now, take a look at your kids. Is what you are getting all hot under the collar about going to make a difference in the long run. Really? Start looking at those little imperfections as strengths that your kids can develop over time.
3. Be more present whenever possible.
“We love you, we need you, we adore you, we’d like to spend more time with you! But it doesn’t feel like you’re actually with us much of the time. You’ll get more out of conversations with friends if you’re not checking on your digital posse quite so often.”
To do starting this evening: Shut your smartphone down and keep it in your purse whenever you’re with your kids. We say our kids are the most important people in the world, but damn how can that be if they come second to your facebook friends and your smart phone.
4. Be more available for friends (and family.)
“Real-life friends are a lot like Farmville in that you only gain points with lots of time and careful tending! If you make a point to add just a few more touches per week, you’ll see the love pour back in greater volume than you dished it out.”
To do starting this week: Ask your kids specific questions about their day and listen without judgment or comment. We all ask, “How was your day?” and most of the time are met with, “Fine.” This happens for two reasons, 1. Your kid knows you are not really listening OR 2. If she gives you any information, you are going to offer your unsolicited opinion. Try asking these questions instead. “What did you study today? What was one thing you learned that you did not know before? Did you make someone laugh? Did anyone make you laugh? If you could do one thing tomorrow, exactly the same as you did today, what would that be? If you could do one thing differently…?”
5. Be more willing to say not right now
“Saying no to people is never fun. It sucks to disappoint others, particularly when you really care about them. But we both know you’ll crash and burn and be of no use to anyone if you try to do too much.”
To do starting today: When your kids ask you for help, ask your kids what specifically is tripping them up. Let them show you how much they CAN do and then teach them or help them with the one aspect they are stuck on. This will lead to more confidence for them and less requests for help from you.
“Do you have any additional points to add? Share this post with a friend and let them know what you’re doing each day to be more alive!”
And go back and read the real zest post and if you have tips and pointers that apply to your life outside of your kids, post on their site, I am sure they would appreciate it.
Posted in Parenting Strategies
Ignorance is not bliss, but to ignore your child can be divine.
-Vicki Hoefle
Ignoring your child is a conscious, intentional, proactive, effective and respectful strategy. If used properly that is. Ignoring a screaming child is not nearly as easy as it sounds, so let’s do a quick refresher on what ignoring your child actually looks and feels like.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever consciously decided to ignore your child’s pesky behavior. How did it go? No really, how did it go?
I’m guessing, not so well if any of the following were ALSO happening at the same time you were “ignoring” the bickering, whining, fighting, noodling, sassing, and so on.
1. Your glaring eyes were burning holes into the back of the 4-year old screaming for you to “help me” or the 9 year old who was ramming the vacuum cleaner into the couch as he finished up his “contri-stupid-bution”.
2. Dishes were loudly being placed in the dishwasher after you walked away with your arms in the air.
3 You actually said, “I’m ig-nor-ing you right now!”
4. You took the last verbal jab (albeit under your breath) on your way through the living room on your way to the bathroom—> something like, “you are so annoying and you will be lucky to have even one friend if you keep acting like this.”
5. You started crying (quietly of course) and went up to YOUR room.
6. You physically left the room but kept your silly self close within earshot of the bickering and could feel your blood pressure shoot through the ceiling until you just COULDN’T ignore one more minute.
7. You pretended to be doing something else, but the look of disgust on your face made it clear to the kids that you were appalled, disappointed, angry, frustrated, embarrassed by their behavior.
8. You swiftly walked away at the fist sign of discord, but then proceeded to yell “knock it off” from down the hall (over and over and over).
9. You “ignored them” by keeping your mouth shut, but during the entire episode you were just squirming to come in there and give them the lecture of their lives.
10. You quietly slipped out…waited till things had settled down and then promptly walked back into the room and brought the entire situation back up again. Oh yes you did.
And yes, these are common- I don’t know a parent who didn’t try at one point or another to remove themselves entirely only to be reeled right back in. So here’s the trick.
(Remember ignoring is a conscious, strategic parenting technique that when used correctly will nip those pesky behaviors in the bud. After all, if you’re not paying attention, then they really have no chance at thriving for very long!)
Tips for a success I.G.N.O.R.E
I – It never happened. (Even though it clearly just did). Stay cool as a cucumber – act like you truly didn’t see, hear, smell or feel it. And do not, whatever you do, let your face give you away. A smile (as if you had a recent botox injection) is the only appropriate facial expression.
G – Gather information. This is a chance for you to watch the action, and gather information that will help you choose an effective parenting technique that will net you better results than getting involved when you are upset and invested in the outcome.
N – Never get involved in the spat (unless it’s morally or physically dangerous). Go away and stay away. Do something – anything else and when you return, whatever you do, don’t bring up the subject AND don’t let your emotions get the best of you. I know you want to but it’s ok to say, nope, not my problem.
O- Opt out and stay out until the situation changes course. Then continue on as if it never happened. This leaves the kids scratching their heads in bewilderment and what parent doesn’t enjoy pulling one over on the kids from time to time?
R – Random distraction. Use a clever change of subject to steer out of a potentially dangerous situation. It isn’t hard to do if you are willing to make a fool out of yourself for the health and wellbeing of your family.
E – Encourage the behaviors, attitudes and actions you WANT to see, and watch as the pesky ones will diminish. I promise.
I know it’s hard to ignore the kids. I know that your friends are still trying to convince you that you have to “do something”, even when that something is just going to make things worse. I know getting the hairy eyeball makes it hard to ignore the mischief making bandits, but hang in there. Ignoring will help you recognize bigger issues within your family and the clarity necessary to really influence positive and lasting change. If a problem persists, it means that more focus and planning are required. And isn’t that what parenting is about? Using every minute of the 18 years the kids are with us to keep tweaking our approach and making steady headway in raising engaged, thinking, cool kids?
Posted in Parenting Strategies
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As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. -Buddy Hackett
Do we really trust our kids with the choices they make? I guess the answer is often sure, if I think it’s the “right choice” for my kid.
Kid’s Choice: I don’t like dinner so I’m not going to eat it.
Parent: Bad Choice – I’ll make you something else or I will nag you and bribe you till you eat. Okay.
Kid’s Choice: I don’t want to bring my lunch today.
Parent: Bad Choice – You’ll get hungry and then you can’t learn so I will pack it for you and stuff it in your backpack.
Kids Choice: I hate soccer and I don’t want to play any longer.
Parent: Bad Choice – You promised your coach and you will let the team down (2nd grader here). You will play this year even if you hate it and next year we can discuss it.
Kids Choice: I don’t want to wear pj’s to bed, I want to wear my jeans, so I am ready for school.
Parent: Bad Choice – You will uncomfortable and wrinkly in the morning and it’s just silly.
You get the picture. We say we want our kids to make choices, but as adults, we have decided what the “right” choice is for the child.
Here is the thing though – there are no good choices or bad choices, choices are just that – choices.
A choice will either move you closer to or further away from what it is you want. Parents are constantly commenting on their kid’s choices. Instead of helping the kids learn about the process of choice and the power of choice, we interrupt the learning by judging whether the choice is good or bad. Here is a story to illustrate the power of choices and how they often reveal the true goal of the person making them.
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When one of my kids was 7 she decided (her choice) to play soccer. About half way through the season, I went to a game and watched as she danced and shuffled around the field, never really running toward or going after the ball. After the game I asked her about her overall decision to play soccer (I was getting the sense that she didn’t really like soccer). She looked at me – serious as all get out, and promptly stated, “Oh mom, soccer is the best, and things are going great. I decided that this year, my goal was to keep 6 feet between me and the ball at all times. I don’t want to get hit with that thing. Have you ever been hit by a soccer ball? It hurts.” Enough said.
Choices, as I have said on numerous occasions, are about more than blue boots or red boots, coat or no coat, do it now or do it later. Choices move us forward in our lives and give us a sense that we are in charge of our lives in the most fundamental way.
Anyone, particularly a child, who is WILLING to make a choice, should be congratulated for having the courage to make it. And let’s not forget, that each time our kids make a choice, the better they get at making them, so lets give them lots of practice.
Posted in Parenting Strategies
Trust Intuition and Connect the Dots Later
Steve Jobs never finished college. He got fired from Apple back in the day. He traveled to India with nothing. He never stopped trusting that his ideas and his life experiences would one day make sense. That his dots would connect, eventually. He never ever settled.
As parents, we’re often too caught up in making the dots WE envision for our children connect NOW. They have to do this, get this experience, make sure they have everything everyday and that they are the top off their game, so they go on to be successful. We see it everywhere- we’re pressured by it! As a culture, we’re consumed with ensuring that our kids are on the right path to success. We get hyper-involved, and we don’t take the time to trust our intuition to let go or say, does it really matter? We certainly don’t give our kids enough space to learn to trust their intuition.
Imagine of Steve Jobs had NEVER had the chance to fail? In his speech, he states that failure opened up the biggest time of creativity and the back to basics relief of uncertainty.
Relief of uncertainty? Yes. The time to explore, create, take risks. When kids grow up with pressure and expectation, they don’t get that time to explore, create and take risks…and fail without being judged or knowing what the outcome will be.
We, as parents, can offer this uncertainty to our children everyday by letting them figure things out without stepping in and correcting and expecting “success” all the time. Let the kid quit piano if he/she really truly hates piano- because who knows, maybe that random, new, uncertain free time spent wandering the outdoors or studying youtube videos on breakdancing (or whatever!) instead, might lead your children to the dreams they hold. Because remember, our dreams will not unfold around our children- their dreams will. And without the time to find them, and learn how to look for them and keep the love alive, they become what we want, not what they want. Or better yet, what the world needs them to become.
We do not have the power to craft our children’s success. We have the power to let them be themselves, participate in the success and failures of the household and begin to think, everyday, what dots can they sketch now, to connect upon later in life?
For more information about Parenting On Track, please visit www.parentingontrack.com
Posted in Parenting Strategies