Parenting Strategies
Monday night I was on WCAX for a hot second talking about Discipline, what it is, what it isn’t, how to use it with kids and when it crosses over the line into punishment. And here is what I realized – there is a very simple way to check yourself and ascertain whether you are indeed teaching discipline or punishing for a mistake made.
Here are my thoughts on the subject, just in case you suspect you just might be parenting in the realm of punishment.
1. Discipline is defined as systematic instruction given to train students in a craft or trade, or any other activity which they are supposed to perform. That means the true definition of discipline is a way for parents to teach children and prepare them for life on their own. The confusion comes in the execution of the training or teaching. Many parents feel discipline means punishment or an enforcement of order and control over the child. Many parents believe a child has to feel bad in order to learn a lesson. This is not discipline this is power over the child and punishment.
2. In order for the discipline strategy to be effective and respectful, it has to satisfy four criteria,
- The “discipline” strategy has to work whether the kids are 2, 5, 7, 9, 15 or 25.
- The “discipline” strategy has to teach kids self discipline self control, self evaluation, how to make skillful choices and how to take responsibility for those choices – not just to “obey” those in authority.
- The “discipline” strategy can not jeopardize the child’s sense of dignity and self worth.
- The “discipline” strategy can not fracture the relationship between parent and child.
These criteria rule out time-outs, counting, punishing, lecturing, taking away privileges, grounding and so on. These tactics rarely teach a lesson, if they did, parents would only have to use Time-Outs twice and the child would get it.
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Here are a few examples:
- You want to teach your child to hold your hand while crossing the street – would you say to your 3 year old “Darling, I want to ensure you will hold my hand when we cross the parking lot, so I want you to go to timeout and think about this?” Of course not. A parent uses time-out to punish a child for making a mistake and running across the parking lot.
- Or, how about this one – “Anna, I don’t want you to hit your little brother when he comes into your play space and knocks over your blocks, so I am going to count to three and I want you to calm down and keep your hands to yourself.” Nope. You would start counting once Anna thwacked her sibling and you wanted to punish her for making a mistake – OR for not having mastered the task of staying cool under frustrating circumstances.
3. The proper time to begin training begins as soon as the child is up and alert. Children are hungry for information. They want to master their surroundings. They needn’t be punished when they make a mistake or punished as a way for a parent to gain control over them. The process of learning, making mistakes, gentle and consistent redirection along with years of practice and teaching will ultimately prepare our kids for their roles as adults. Punishment deals with immediate problems without taking into account the long-term consequences and adverse effects on both the child and the parent child relationship.
4. The most effective way I have found to guide my decisions as it pertains to disciplining is to reframe the “How Do I Get my child to stop….. “ to “What Will It Take for my child to. …”
Examples:
- Instead of, How do I get my child to sit still at the table, you ask yourself, What will it take for my child to LEARN to be part of the meal experience without having to be the center of attention?
- Instead of, How do I get my child to hold my hand when we cross the parking lot consider instead, What will it take for my child to agree to hold my hand?
- Instead of, How do I get my child to stop lying ask yourself, What will it take for my child to have the courage to tell the truth?
- Instead of, How do I get my child to hang up her coat ask yourself, What will it take for my child to take care of her belongings?
By reframing the question the task of disciplining takes a long-term teaching approach and helps us recognize that our job as parents is to work with the child until she reaches mastery or develops a character trait that will serve her in her adult life.
Quality Discipline Strategies
1. Say what you mean, mean what you say and then do it. Kids learn when things happen, not when mouths are moving. And they learn best when they can trust that what their parents say, they mean.
2. Take time for training. Slow, thoughtful, intentional training will go a long way in creating an encouraging environment that empowers the kids and supports a friendly, relaxed family dynamic.
3. Remain Firm & Kind. Firm is respectful to you and kind is respectful to the child. Many times discipline is turned into punishment because the parent is overly firm which can sound harsh and authoritarian in nature or overly kind which is more permissive in nature. Learning to balance a firm and kind attitude takes practice, so go slow and forgive often.
4. Allow children to experience Natural Consequences – NC’s are the best teachers. As a parent, all you have to do is find the courage to stay out of the way and then objectively be there for the child to process the outcome of his choices. Tip: If parents are going to use NCs don’t ruin it by saying, I told you so. That just makes kids feel badly and very little learning actually happens when kids feel bad.
5. Make agreements with kids that include realistic expectations and allow for progress and improvement. Make sure to follow through on what was previously agreed upon. This is important and builds an atmosphere of trust. Nobody has to get mad or feel bad, this is the outcome of the choice that was made.
6. Give win/win choices that move the action forward. Blue boots or red boots, sneakers or boots, homework now or later, run or walk, brush teeth downstairs or upstairs.
7. Ignore what isn’t morally or physically dangerous until the crisis is over and then return to the first question – What will it take for my child to…
Posted in Parenting Strategies
Here it is! We’ve compiled some articles that are interesting, opinion-based, science-backed or just plain insightful for your parenting journey. We’re stockpiling a list of good stuff to share, so if you find something, send it our way and maybe we can include it in our weekly roundup.
In the event that you missed these articles, here is a sampling of what’s going around the web: (note, we’re going for quality here, so if we post an older article, it’s because we think the message is good. Also, we just like this stuff, we have no affiliations but we do hope to meet many of these authors and speakers! Thanks.)
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This article, by author Jillian Lauren, went up on the moms.today.msn.com website about a year ago. I just stumbled on it last week- and I’m wondering what her family’s experience has been like. She says her point by not punishing is that she wishes to demonstrate the “kind of values I want to teach him and what kind of person I want him to become. I might be able to sit him in time-out or yell at him or spank him or take away his favorite toy or otherwise coerce him out of this completely annoying habit, but in exchange for his compliance, I’ve lost an opportunity to connect with my child…” This is the perfect example of a parent who has put the relationship strategies before discipline strategies and it’s an interesting read for anyone else making this commitment. May she inspire you to have the courage to put the relationship first!
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This article struck me because of its honesty. I read it the same week I hosted a women’s renewal retreat. They couldn’t compliment each other more– the article sends a cry for what mothers everywhere are seeking: contentment, connectedness, guilt-free parenting, acceptance and a healthy emotional balance so we can parent from our best. The Retreat, at the other end of the spectrum, provided just what any woman in her darkest hour deserves: time to heal, reflect, connect and be an authentic person supported by other women in a safe environment free of judgment and criticism. This confession uncovers what’s really going on with so many mothers and it shows us why we must take care of ourselves and look out for those around us. The comments are telling- and it’s a testament to the pressure we put on ourselves, the resentment that can build over time and the human need to get out there and adventure and stay connected.
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This article by Jennifer Conlin covers the reality for US families: we’re too busy to stay connected, unlike the more low key paced communities she experienced in Europe. The take away is yes, kids don’t have to be the center of the universe and parents find it enjoyable to have a life outside the mom’s taxi. The question is, do you think things will change? Read and see what you think.
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This book, while a typical “parenting book” is just what we need to help reduce the panic we feel when we think we’re screwing up our kids. Basically, the book features brain science facts that back the notion that you don’t have to be a super-parent for your child’s intelligence to develop – just a good-enough parent. “The vast majority of children are like dandelions, in that they can thrive in almost any conditions.” In this case, being a weed is a good thing. Follow the author @sandra_aamodt
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This article by Christine Carter, author of Raising Happiness discusses the trends in children staying closer to home and the declining interest in once definitive adolescent milestones (like getting a driver’s license!). She makes a solid point: proactive parenting decisions /commitments provide essential opportunity for independence and confidence. My husband and I decided to provide these kinds of opportunities to our own five children beginning with an Outward Bound expedition in the summer between their 8th and 9th grade and then a semester abroad during their Junior year of high school. As a result, our kids feel confident leaving their childhood neighborhoods and see themselves as global citizens. I highly recommend exposing your kids to new experiences that broad their view of the world they are growing up in.
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This article by NPR outlines the nature of this season’s much talked about documentary, Bully “a wrenching, intensely moral film” that has been given an R rating, much to the dismay of its audiences. “Bully weaves together five stories from different parts of America’s heartland. Two are about the grieving families of boys who’ve committed suicide — a 17-year-old in Georgia, an 11-year-old in Oklahoma City. The rest are profiles of kids still toughing it out — a Mississippi teenager who has been jailed after pulling a gun on the kids who made her life a living hell, a lesbian Oklahoma high-schooler who is tormented not just by other students but by her teachers as well.” This is a must see.
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I personally like this post because it gives some decent evidence on exactly how parenting reinvents itself every few years. Fads are as “fill in the blanks” as madlibs and what you do with the information in between is really up to you. Personally, as I’ve said in my recent Crap, Rant or Fad blog, I find that most everything is just a fire drill or it focuses no where near a solution. Instead, many of these articles stir up concerns and give us something else to worry about- and sure enough, as intensely as it came in, the parenting storm rolls out….that is until another hazy afternoon. Like the author, I’m quite desensitized to the immediate crisis du jour— it’s probably because I’ve also seen the same problems resurface over my 20 years of parent education. But the takeaway for me with this blog is that as parents, it’s way too easy to get worked up and be part of the problem- sharing details and getting in a tizzy over yet another label or category or omitting the part where you look for a solution to the bigger problem. Lisa says keep the wide lens open and I couldn’t agree more. In fact, I say keep the wide lens open and focused on where your family wants to be in 20 years and pay no mind to the dings and dents along the way.
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Let’s just start by saying this blog post highlights a societal sentiment that I think is very unhealthy for children, parents and the community– and it’s happening in a real town in Florida! Read it. Comment. Read the comments and get your finger on the pulse of what parents who cherish independence and who trust their children are saying about this type of community ordinance. This community is forbidding ANYONE under 18 to be outside without supervision! “…no bike riding, no walking to the bus stop without an adult. Some parents say their kids are under house arrest” – just read through this blog post. How can these kids be ready for the real world if they can’t even ride their bike in their community?
Posted in Parenting Strategies
With the sea of information out there. I thought it would be helpful to narrow it down a bit and identify the top 5 questions parents can ask themselves.
1. Who am I doing this for?
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Believe it or not, when you train your brain to stop and ask “Who am I doing this for?” you can suddenly find yourself faced with a truth that will alter your course of action quickly and decisively. How many times have you made a parenting decision based on someone other than your child?
- Maybe you started nagging the kids because your spouse can’t stand a messy family room when she comes home from a late Board Meeting.
- Maybe you choose the kids clothes and slick back their hair because your mother is critical of how they are “groomed” and thinks this is an indication of a persons worth.
- Maybe you give in to the kids at the check out line so they won’t pitch a fit (even after you gave them a hefty lecture in the car that brought them to tears about how you would NOT buy them anything) just so the 20 year old check out clerk wouldn’t give you the hairy eyeball.
- Maybe you drove all the way home to get the soccer pads because you didn’t want the coach thinking your kid wasn’t committed to playing on the “elite” squad in his second year of the sport.
2. What is my purpose in doing this?
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Asking ourselves what the “purpose” in doing something is, helps clear the crap and provide an illuminated path towards our true purpose.
- Is my purpose to look good in front of these parents, or to show my child that I will support their personal style?
- Is my purpose to have a child who gets straight A’s, or a child who learns to invest in her own education?
- Is my purpose to get the kids to school so I don’t get another note from the teacher about their tardiness, or to allow them to create a morning routine that works for them?
- Is my purpose to get the house picked up because neat houses mean neat families or to help my kids learn how important their cooperation is to the health of the family?
- Is my purpose to show my friends what good manners my kids have or to model to my children how to show respect for others?
3. What message does what I am about to do send to my child?
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As parents, it’s easy to forget that a child’s interpretation of our actions is more important than our intention.
- You suggest your child change his clothes for school.
- Your intention is to lower the chance of teasing from classmates.
- His interpretation is that you don’t approve of his taste in clothes (hair, music, friends, food, etc.)
- You insist on making lunches and packing backpacks.
- Your intention is to ensure a healthy lunch and proper supplies for school.
- Her interpretation is that you have no faith in her ability to make a lunch or pack a backpack.
- You clean up his room even though he has asked you to stay out.
- Your intention is to provide an aesthetically pleasing environment for him (and clear out the moldy food before the ants arrive.)
- His interpretation is that you have no respect for his wishes or his privacy.
If you get a reaction from your child that is unexpected or negative, there is a good chance that the message you were trying to send missed its mark. Take a few minutes and talk with your child about your intentions and see if you can bring some clarity to the situation. In the long run, it will help you and your child develop a stronger and more honest relationship.
4. What am I willing to do differently?
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So often times, the focus is on what we want our kids to do differently. But the truth is, when we change what we do, we influence the family. In essence, we are in control of the ship. So instead of putting your time and energy into forcing the kids to change, try asking yourself what YOU are willing to do differently and then do it. It doesn’t have to be a big shift, just a sincere one that will benefit everyone in the situation. Before long, you will find it easy to course correct, take a new tact and experience the kind of change that brings joy and exuberance back into parenting. Remember, change IS power. So parent with power!
5. Am I asking more from my child than I am asking from myself?
This may be my all time favorite question, because the answer is almost always YES, of course I expect more from my kid than I expect from myself.
- I expect my child to show me the respect I have earned, but I will show my child respect only when it suits me.
- I expect my child to pick up their stuff without being asked because they know it’s what I want, but I will allow myself to toss my junk if I am feeling tired or stressed or just plain grouchy.
- I expect my kids to eat healthy, all of the time, and if they veer off course I will be sure to correct them, but I will eat what I like, as much as I like because – well, I can.
- I expect my children to be nice to each other no matter what, but I will yell, threaten, overpower and belittle if someone doesn’t do things my way.
Is this list a little over the top? Maybe. But my 23 years of experience tells me that this is just the tip of the iceberg. If you want to raise respectful, responsible, cooperative, flexible, compassionate, patient, inclusive, open and honest kids you will have to model these traits for them. And by model, I don’t mean on occasion when the stars align. I mean model even when you’d rather let your childish side take the reins.
So do yourself and your kids a favor. Cut everyone some slack. Cut your kids even more than that and before long you will have established a more balanced family dynamic.
Post these 5 questions where you can see them until they permeate your thinking and influence what comes out of your mouth next. It isn’t asking too much if what you truly want is to establish a relationship with your kids that has the entire neighborhood wanting what you have.
Posted in Parenting Strategies
There is a lot of talk right now about bullying and bystanding and questions from parents about how to handle dicey situations between kids on the playground, the schoolyard, during play dates and any other time kids are thrown together. In fact, last week we rounded up over a dozen blogs on this topic alone, and although parents (and a few experts) had lots to say on the subject, there didn’t seem to be a lot of solutions to the problem.
One mom wrote about watching her own child get picked on at the playground and felt caught between feeling shocked, wanting to sooth hurt feelings, confused about overstepping boundaries and questioning whether she “should” be saving her child from the real world experience. These thoughts can consume any parent and leave them feeling more confused, not less, about what to do in this situation.
I don’t have all the answers to this dilemma, but I did raise five children and I also had a childhood of my own that included a neighborhood full of kids ranging in age from 2 to 12 who were required to interact on a regular basis. So here are some of the tactics we employed to help our kids navigate the sometimes slippery slope.
HAVE A PLAYGROUND PLAN
First: Create a plan for any interaction between kids before you actually throw the kids together. Yes, a plan. With a plan, you know ahead of time what you are going to do if you witness bullying, harassment, picking on, ignoring or any other socially intolerable action.
Second: Know what you are willing to “do” in these situations. Some parents feel more comfortable leaving, some want to stand their ground and confront the child and/or parent, some are willing to step in and assist the kids, and others want their kids to figure things out on their own. There is no right or wrong. There is only what best supports you and your family’s core values.
Third and most important – Invite kids to make the rules of engagement. Here is what it sounds like:
“Do you kids have a plan for playing safely on the playground?” Because without one, that means that we, your parents, will have to step in and make the rules, and tell you who gets to go first and frankly, I don’t think any of you will have too much fun. So, how would you kids like to come up with a plan for playing safely together?”
At this point, most kids step up and embrace the idea of creating their own Rules of Engagement which include things like – no hitting, no going up the slide backwards, no calling each other names, and so on. Believe it or not, most kids can and will come up with a common sense plan to playing together and each time they do this, it reinforces for them that it is possible to create a fun and safe place for kids of all ages and all styles to play together. When the kids create a plan, they agree, and that makes it easier to deal with someone who tries to disrupt their rules. It helps kids who feel like victims learn to stand up for themselves and it helps kids who have been labeled the bully to adhere to the rules. All you do is help them learn how to do that until they master it themselves.
Fourth: Teach your kids about the equitable distribution of power within your home and allow them to become confident problem solvers and strong communicators. If you have kids who take order from you, it’s going to be hard for them to step into a leadership role on the playground. If your kids get in trouble for challenging you, they will have trouble challenging their peers. And if your kids are pampered and saved from life’s little disappointments and frustrations, they won’t have the resources necessary to deal with world beyond your threshold.
It’s important that we have faith in our kids and that we work with them to create a strong sense of skills to deal with the challenges that await them. Take some time and think about creating your own plan and then talk to your kids about the idea of creating a set of Rules of Engagement that they can use whenever they have a chance to play with other kids.
Thanks to efforts by celebs and the documentary BULLY, our sense of awareness as a culture is increasing, but question still remains “what does this mean for me?”
Posted in Parenting Strategies
My job is to travel around from state to state, town to town, and school to school giving advice and helping families make changes in their lives. While I’d like to attribute the Parenting On Track gold to my charismatic charm, humor, wit and deep intelligence, I can’t. I have listed below exactly WHY this stuff works.
1. Philosophy – Dr. Alfred Adler. His work has been around for nearly 100 years. There are thousands of Adlerian Psychologists, therapists and parent educators who work around the world bringing Adler’s work to those looking to develop stronger relationships with spouses, children, co-workers and family members. I’ve spent 20 years studying and adapting his philosophy to meet the needs of the parents I work with. I quote people who are specialists in this field. I don’t make it up! (Yes, okay I admit, I do coin some cool phrases based on this theory).
2. No Play By Play – My approach to helping parents deal with a child’s pesky behavior is to focus on what the parents are doing, not what the kids are doing. Everything I recommend is based on improving the relationship between parent and child, not teaching parents how to dole out discipline or punishment. Everything I teach is relationship focused. Efforts that improve the relationship FIRST, lead to improvement in behavior second. It works all the time.
3. Solutions – I make it a point NOT to go on and on about problems or what a parent should have done in a given situation. I’m in this work to deliver solutions. Solutions grounded in theory that are aimed at improving the relationship. Without a solution, it’s a rant!
4. Real Life Examples - I use real life examples to help parents better understand a situation they are struggling with and believe me, after 20 years in the field, I have lots of examples at my disposal. Examples help parents connect information with action. Without the connection the information can swirl around in a parent’s head leaving them more confused than ever.
Without these to anchor my advice, insight and “wisdom” I’d be pulling tips and tricks out of thin air based on my perception at the moment, and my perception of the situation would lead parents on a wild goose chase, not closer to an understanding of what they could do differently to bring about change.
I’ve spent the past few weeks diving into what’s floating around the internet – holy guacamole folks, no wonder parents are confused! I guess this explains why parents arrive at my classes or workshops with some crazy ideas about parenting. I have discovered that advice is mislabeled from one end of the triple W to the other.
Here’s the deal, if you’re looking for “advice” on the web, you can either say forget it altogether OR you can check it against these following five points:
1. Philosophy – Does it have a legitimate, long-standing philosophy? If yes, then check that the advice is grounded in the main pillars of the belief system.
2. Expert - Is the author trained in the philosophy? You wouldn’t take money advice from a landscaper, unless the landscaper was an entrepreneur teaching you how to grow a business via his journey. See the connection? Experts come in various shapes, so this doesn’t mean you can’t seek tips from a non-traditional source. Just be sure that the source knows his/her stuff and can give insight, context and information that is accurate to the experience.
3. Check for “Get your kids” – Does the article or blog have the words “make your child” or “get your child to” do this not that or do that not this to your child? If yes, skip it! It’s about control and discipline, not the relationship. You’ll just end up further in the weeds. It might work for a minute but you’ll be right back where you started.
4. Rant, rant, rant – Just because a mommy blogger has a great story or wants to share her experience via a credible blogging site doesn’t mean it’s advice! Let’s be clear, I’m not dissing mommy bloggers, they make the web go round! They are fun and they are the best people to share ideas and tricks and tips that worked for them. Remember though, the story they are sharing worked for them and it doesn’t mean you have to run out and try their approach. However, if a mommy blogger uses a credible philosophy (see points 1 & 2), then it’s worth looking into!
5. Lovey-dovey-foo-foo-zoom-zoom – If you just read something and your first thought was, no $h^t Sherlock, then it’s just fluff and you already know it so don’t worry about the latest fad method to introduce the same old common sense!
Parents want to feel connected to or to identify with the ups and downs they experience – this is where a mommy blog or a lovey dovey article does have a purpose. It’s not that the article is crap, it just might be crappy ADVICE. See? So, read headlines that attract you but don’t buy in until you know if it’s rant, crap, fluff, or fad or if it’s grounded in a bigger picture.
Having said all that, here is some of the GOOD STUFF TO READ:
1. Opinion – Opinion articles/blogs can be great food for thought. They can be well researched and can contain facts that back a person’s opinion. (No facts or references? It’s likely a RANT).
2. Blogs by Experts/Organizations – They might not be featured on the biggest sites but you can find life changing tips, tricks, wisdom and so on.
3. Fact Articles – Top tens and other informative articles can give you some new info and let you process it – just be sure to check the credibility of source/author.
I know it’s a lot to process. That’s why I’ve decided to introduce a Parenting On Track Series:
Duct Tape Dragnet: Parenting Articles Worth Reading
Now you can have access to quality articles delivered to you and you don’t have to go wading in the mud to find good opinions, ideas, thoughts and lessons in parenting. Heads up for our first in a series of blogs, articles, sites, books we find on the web that are worth reading!
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I love teenagers and I am deeply offended when they get a bad wrap. Over the last couple of days I’ve either watched, listened to or read some inspiring and positive remarks about teen girls and teens in general. Here they are. Let’s support those individuals who also appreciate kids who just happen to be tweens and teens.
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1. Anne Curry of the Today Show, interviews Sarah Palin, Psychiatrist Dr. Janet Taylor, who is the mother of four girls and author Haley Kilpatrick in a discussion on the difficulties of raising successful young women, the development of self-confidence and the role of the family. Watch the interview.
2. 5 Minutes for Mom contributor, Jennifer Donovan applauds Melinda Rainey Thompsons book, I’ve Had It Up To Hear With Teenagers and her endorsement for life with teens that is full of adventure, fun, aha moments and humor. Read her review of the book or order it like I did.
3. And finally, from Charlotte Latvala from Parenting.com, “The 6 Best Things About Tweens.” Her post is witty, poignant and reminds me why I so loved having 5 teens in the house all the same time. Beyond that, she leverages several other experts and provides resources to parents of teens who want to enjoy this exciting, mysterious and always engaging time of life. Here are some excerpts from her blog from contributing experts:
Susan Kuczmarski, Ed.D., author of The Sacred Flight of the Teenager: A Parent’s Guide to Stepping Back and Letting Go. “Enjoy the changes and be aware that she is entering a new phase — don’t expect the same old behavior.”
“It’s simply less physically exhausting to be the parent of a tween,” says Jen Singer of Kinnelon, NJ, the creator of Mommasaid.net, a parenting humor and advice website, and mom of Nicholas, 12, and Christopher, 11. “My kids make their own lunches and their own beds. They’re self-cleaning. When we go skiing, I don’t have to run down the slope holding them in a harness. The day-to-day stuff is much easier.”
Celebrate each new task your kids can do, and get over any guilt you have that you’re slacking off by letting them take on more, says educator Annie Fox, author of the Middle School Confidential series. “Some parents mistakenly equate dependence with love,” she says. “They feel that ‘if he doesn’t need me, he doesn’t love me.’ But do you really want to be cutting your kid’s sandwiches when he’s thirty?”
The next time you are tempted to trash a teen, talk to someone who enjoys theirs – like me. You’ll be introduced to a side of teenagerhood that often times goes unnoticed. Oh, and just for the record, your style of parenting is 90% responsible for whether you enjoy or dread life with your tween so maybe you want to consider investing in a style that will make life enjoyable for all of you.
Learn more about or Register for the upcoming Adolescent Class in Middlebury, VT at Middlebury College.
Posted in Parenting Strategies
In the last month, I have been answering more questions than usual via our private Parenting On Track Forum, emails, Skype messages and phone calls that sound something like this:
Parent: “My 5 year old is impossible these days. He is totally out of control, teasing his sister and refusing to do anything I ask him to do. What is going on with him?”
Me: Hmmmm. I have no idea. He sounds discouraged.
Parent: “My 7 year old has begun acting out at school. The teacher is very concerned and when I try and talk to her she covers her ears and runs away. I need to know what’s going on so I can help her but I don’t know how to get her to talk to me. What should I do?”
Me. Hmmmm. She sounds really discouraged.
Parent: My 10 year old refuses to get himself up in the morning, even though he can and has for several years. He refuses to do his homework and it doesn’t matter what I try, he turns it into a fight, stomps away, calls me names and then slams the door. I can’t just let him sleep in or not make him do his homework? What should I do?”
Me. Hmmmmm. No idea, but he sounds discouraged to me.
I urge parents to use the formula I teach to gather the information that will allow me to help them create an intentional and encouraging plan to deal with their child’s discouraged behavior and attitude.
1. Identify the behavior that you find “troubling” and write it down as if you were a scientist or objective observer. Example: That 3 year old keeps pushing her dish off the table. That 5 year old keeps throwing Lego’s at his brother. That 9 year old is yelling at his mother.
2. Identify how you FEEL about what is happening. Example: I am annoyed when I see the plate fly off of the table. I am hurt when I see my 5 year old throw things at his sibling. I am pissed when my 9 year old yells at me.
3. Identify how you generally REACT to the behavior (it’s being fueled by your feelings). Example: I start nagging and lecturing and trying to get my child to stop throwing the dish on the floor. I try and show my child just how hurtful his behavior is by hurting him in some small way, like throwing all his Lego’s away. I show my 9 year old that I can yell louder by yelling at him not to yell at me.
4. Based on your feelings and confirmed by your actions, you then guess what the Mistaken Behavior is: Attention, Power, Revenge, Avoidance.
This is the formula. If it were being used, the emails I receive would sound more like this.
Parent: My 3 year old keeps throwing her plate off the table. I feel annoyed and frustrated and I start nagging her, which tells me that the Mistaken Goal is Attention. Any thoughts?
Me: You bet. Start by making connections that have nothing to do with the plate that flies off the table. When the plate flies, this indicates she is done with the meal. Remove her from the table by saying with a firm and kind voice and attitude, “I see you are done. I am still eating. I will see you when I have finished”, and continue eating. Show encouragement by not caving when she comes and tries to sit on your lap. Reinforce that she has made a choice and you respect her choices. If need be, take your meal to another room to finish. During other times of the day, find ways to connect and begin inviting her to do more around meal preparation. Make sure she feels a part of dinner conversation, but not the entertainment for the meal.
Parent: My 5 year old throws Lego’s at his younger brother. I feel hurt and disappointed since no one has ever treated him like this, but then I go and hurt him by taking all the Lego’s and threatening to throw them away. I think the mistaken goal is Revenge. Any thoughts?
Me: You bet. First, as tempting as it is to “teach the lesson”, refrain. This child already feels hurt. Take a few days and watch the words you use, the attitude you convey and even the thoughts you carry with you about this child. Are you focused more on his strengths or on all the ways you must correct his behavior. Does he know he matters to you? Do you ask for his help, ask for his opinion and ask for her thoughts on things that concern the entire family? Are your expectations realistic or are you waiting for perfection. Do you notice progress and improvement? Are you showing appreciation for WHO he is, not what he does on a regular basis.
I’m sure you get it by now. It’s a system. If you aren’t yet using this simple, effective, powerful system to understand your child and implement strategies that build strength, awareness, courage and maintain everyone’s dignity and respect, then I encourage you to try it.
Parents continue to ask me “what my secret is?” and I keep telling them that it is no secret at all, it is a system that works to help me identify my child’s mistaken goal of behavior and set about using strategies that encourage her, connect with her and show faith in her so that she might choose another way to interact with me and the rest of the world.
So take some time and see if you can capture what’s really going on. I bet by the time you finish the exercise you won’t need to send me an email and if you do, well, that’s okay. My guess is that YOU are in need of a little encouragement yourself. We all do from time to time and I am here.
Posted in Parenting Strategies
As we start thinking forward to sunny days in spring and new growth, it’s a good time to stop and plant a few mental seeds that will lead to a big, lush garden of positive family poppies. It’s one of my all-time favorite sayings and I’m throwing it out there again now as a friendly reminder (feel free to print the little image and stick it on your fridge!)
In order to get what we want (cooperation, respect, independence, manners, and so on) we MUST NOT focus on the pesky, annoying behaviors our kids display from time to time. These behaviors or “weeds” are all the things we find distasteful, aggravating, mysterious and that we want to be rid of once and for all. Remember that they grow bigger and beefier whenever we say, “stop this” “don’t do that” “how many times have I told you to…..”, and so forth. The more we try to kill off the negative stuff, the deeper the roots grow and the hardier it becomes.
The point here is to imagine all those behaviors you admire and want to see more of as roses and poppies and daisies and colorful tulips. Water those, notice them. Tend to them. Encourage them. Every time you start to correct, remind, nag and so forth, you’re tipping the watering can onto the weeds, instead of watering the pretty flowers right in front of you. That is the only way the “weeds” will eventually die. You can pluck all you want, but if the roots are there and you’re spilling sweet water on them, they will return. By watering what you want to flourish, you will change the relationship and watch the “weeds” disappear.
Posted in Parenting Strategies
You’re Not the Maid Again, Are You? Just Checking!
Hey folks. I know, spring fever is upon us. Vacations. Traveling. Cabin Fever. Messy Houses. This can make us all feel like we are literally going stir crazy. I remember being inside with five children during many Vermont winters. It takes every ounce of energy to keep things moving and not get hung up on squabbles and the biggest of these springtime stresses – the messy house. There are boots everywhere, jackets, toys from the days off, mud, dog hair, three different coats for each kid, because the weather keeps changing and more mud.
If you can remember what matters and keep your mantra to stay out of that maid uniform and focus on quality time together, you will all benefit in the end.
Let that bathroom get toothpaste coated and let your kids hear a friend say, “wow, your sink is grungy” because then they will realize people notice. If you march up there and say, “well friends are coming, I’ll just do it for them.” Then you’ve just roped yourself into their business and now it becomes yours.
Expect your kids to do the jobs they pick at Family Meeting, EVEN if it takes longer or they have no laundry in their drawers. Kids are brilliant and they will figure something out if they want to go play next door.
Don’t think you can let it go? The biggest trick to NOT being the maid is to give yourself permission to step out. It’s okay to say, “not my problem” and step back and give your kids room to figure it out in their own. Of course you can help if they need something, but you have to be willing to detach your identity as a good mother from the state of your house. It’s just not the case.
In fact, think of some of the most inspiring people you’ve ever been around. Did they have spotless houses or creative messes because they were out being a part of the world? Maybe you don’t even know what their homes looked like and so what does that tell you? It does not matter. No, it doesn’t.
Yes, organization is nice and shiny floors look good, but if the kids are checked out, there’s no value to the system. So, in short, stick with it and again, give yourself permission to let the house go and take that time with your kids to learn on their own. It gives your room to stay emotionally available, rested, relaxed and on top of your game.
How do you want your kids to remember you? As the best director, reminder, nagger, picker-up-afterer on the block or their biggest champion and teacher?
Hang up that apron and get a cup of coffee, would ya??
Posted in Parenting Strategies
We’ve spent the last three blogs cracking open what it looks like when we’re tripped up as parents and seemingly headed in the opposite direction of our goals. We identified what trips us up, what it looks like and ultimately where we’d hope this train leads in the end for our families and our children.
If you take your chart (CLICK HERE to get caught up) and look at it for a minute, you’ll probably recognize that #3, the reason or goal of the situation, is generally immediate. We’re parenting on the wrong track in the wrong direction, because we slip out of big picture mode. We lose track of the final stop on the line (see column #4).
Look at the columns, side by side and see if the goal or the reason why you’re parenting from the wrong track is in line with what you ultimately want for your child down the road. Do they work together or do they run in opposite directions?
For example, if you are a control freak (like I once was, so I get it) and you’re constantly nagging and micromanaging, is it in line with a goal in column #4? If there are words like independent, observant, resilient, thinking kid, leader, and so on, you’ll see that every time you parent for the immediate solution, (by overriding their ability to make decisions, stopping a mess up, or preventing them from forgetting things) then you’re not supporting the end goal. Over time, you can see that while you want to be headed toward all those long-term goals, you’re not really on the right train.
So, get off at the next stop. Double check your map. Decide which end platform you’d like your child to set foot on at age 18.
Use this information to then think before you flip the switch to travel in the wrong direction. If you can think of it like this, it may help: as a parent EVERY action (not just the big ones, all the little ones) you take either MOVE YOU TOWARD or AWAY FROM that end goal.
Knowing this, each time you opt NOT to yell or correct or save the kids becomes easier and clearer. Practice will give you the mental muscle to make a conscious choice to stay off that tripped up track (even if it gets messy on the RIGHT track) and in the end, get you to a place you and your child can enjoy.
Posted in Parenting Strategies