“Encouragement is more important than any other aspect of child-raising. It is so important that the lack of it can be considered the basic cause for misbehavior. A misbehaving child IS a discouraged child.”

Rudolf Dreikurs, MD

This week we explored:

• The connection between misbehavior and discouragement
• The difference between praise and encouragement
• Methods of Encouragement
• Sending Encouraging Messages

Switching from Praise to Encouragement can be tricky. They don’t call it the Art of Encouragement for nothing. So go slow this week. Allow yourself to feel a little awkward at times as you make the shift from a completely useless parenting strategy to one of the most effective and powerful relationship strategies available to parents today.

Oh and did I mention, that it is my experience that at least 70% of the misbehavior you currently deal with, will be alleviated when you foster an encouraging home environment. Just thought I would remind you.

This weeks question:

How will I use Encouragement with my children each and every day to inspire self confidence, responsibility, cooperation and independence?

Many of you commented several weeks ago regarding the 4 Mistaken Goals of Behavior and how much clarity you gained from understanding that:

1. You were spending time and energy on symptoms.

2. Taking the time to identify the real problem increased your confidence and opened up possibilities in terms of solutions.

Overriding awareness came from the idea that paying attention to how you “feel” when your children make mischief is the key to changing the dynamic between you and your kids in a positive, pro-active and sustainable way.

This week I introduced the idea of building a bridge between useless and useful behavior.

Here is a recap:

• From Attention to Cooperation by showing true and honest interest in your child each and every day.
• From Power to Respons-ability by inviting your children to do as much as they can for themselves and for the family.
• From Revenge to Contributing to the success of the family by showing your children that they matter to you for who they are today, just as they are.
• From Avoidance to Resilient by showing faith in your children when they are challenged and when they succeed.

This powerful relationship tools is sure to provide hours of both fun and some head-scratching as you begin to develop a rhythm for how to use it most effectively with your children.

So here are the questions:

• How will you show your child that your interested in who they are and in what is important to them?
• How will you invite your child more actively into their own lives?
• How will you send the message to your child that they matter to you and that they are good enough as they are?
• How will show faith in your child, even before they deserve that faith?

Have a great week.

This strategy was developed by Drs Betty Lou Bettner and Amy Lew, for more information on this relationship strategy please visit connexions press.

A journey. Yes. That’s what parenting comes down to. A journey that lasts well beyond the 18 years our children are in our homes.

But how many of us took the time to create a Parenting Roadmap for this important and often challenging journey. The truth is, I don’t think most of us ever considered creating a roadmap for ourselves.

Without a Parenting Roadmap, parents get stuck in what I refer to as “the cul-de-sac syndrome”. The cul-de-sac syndrome is the experience of going around and around, every day, in a cycle that just doesn’t work. You know it doesn’t work and you don’t know what to do about it.

All that’s about to change as this week you begin to develop your own Personal Parenting Roadmap. As I’ve said on previous MomTV shows, this is an overview of Chapter 5 in the Parenting On Track program. But it’s enough to get you thinking.

So here is your question for the week:

If I have identified where I am starting and where it is I want to be, in a week, 3 months, 2 years or 18 years, HOW am I going to bridge the distance between?

Yes. This is going to take some thinking. Be sure to post your answers to this question. There is power in sharing experiences and insights.

This sums up our conversation last night better than just about anything I could say.

“The misbehaving child is still trying in a mistaken way to feel important in his own world. A young child who has never been allowed to dress himself, because his mother is always in a hurry or has to make sure all of his clothes match; or who has not been allowed to help in the house because he can not do it as well, will lack the feeling that he is a useful, contributing member of the family and will feel important only when arousing his parents anger and annoyance with his misbehavior. The child is usually unaware of his goals. His behavior, though illogical to others, is consistent with his own interpretation of his place in the family group.”

(the ABC’s of Guiding the Child, Rudolf Dreikurs, MD and Margaret Goldman, p. 3-4)

Here they are again – the 4 Mistaken Goals of Behavior and the parent’s feeling according to Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs.

Undue attention – Frustration
Power – Anger
Revenge – Hurt
Avoidance – Helpless and Hopeless

This week, instead of watching what your kids are doing, watch how you are feeling about what they are doing. This piece of information will give you the KEY to understanding how to move forward in an intentional, positive, respectful and effective way to re-establish a loving relationship with your children. It will help you look at the situation with more clarity and compassion and when this happens, parents and children find themselves working together on a more regular basis.

Here is the question for the week:

How does understanding my feelings about my child’s behavior, change the way I see situations?

“If they can walk, they can work.” – Vicki Hoefle

We have 18 years to prepare our children to throw open the doors and walk into their lives with confidence and enthusiasm. From the moment your children begin to walk, you can begin to invite them to participate, not only in their own lives, but in the success of the family.
When we take the time to invite children into their lives from the earliest ages, take time to train them and nurture their independent spirit, we ensure that they will enter their teenage years eager to take on more and more of what life has to offer.

Other benefits of training our children include:

• Equal distribution of family work which means more time to enjoy each other
  Your ability to stay “emotionally available” as your children go through the ups and down of daily life because you aren’t busy being the “maid.”
• Engaged kids who are so interested in learning, that they have little time to fight with members of the family.
• Healthy self esteem – which is the direct result of KNOWING that you can take care of yourself and contribute to the health and well-being of the group (in this case the family) you are a part of.

By creating a timeline for training, you have a way to:

• Track where your child is today in terms of skill development
• Identify what areas require additional training
• Relax with the confidence that your children are becoming capable, cooperative, responsible and respectful

“Never do for a child, what a child can do for himself.” – Rudolf Dreikurs

So with that in mind, this week, make your lists:

• What can your children do, that they will do? (Remember, no interfering from you)
• What can your children do, that they don’t do?
• What can’t your children do because they haven’t been trained?

And here is the question for you to answer this week and post what you have learned below.

“How will I go about training my children WITHOUT reverting to my old interfering discipline strategies?”

Great Show – Lots of heat. Folks are LOVING this new format!!

Tonight’s show asks the questions:

• So what did you learn about your kids and yourself during Thanksgiving?
• And more importantly, what will you do with that information as you move closer to the next holiday?

I’ll be talking a bit about gratitude (I was recently quoted in an article for Parenting Magazine) and sharing a few tips on how to bring gratitude into your daily life.

Oh yeah, if any of you thought you had reason to make your kids apologize over the holidays, I will be talking a bit about kids and apologies.

So buckle up and stay tuned!

Tonight’s episode is a bit of inspiration.

First we found a funny take on time-outs and other wacky discipline strategies that leave parents feeling exhausted, frustrated and slightly wacky themselves.

Second we generated a conversation on the latest article in Time Magazine.

Finally, we shared a few favorite sites that provide amazing information for parents – not your standard fare.

Gotta Question? A Comment? A Concern? Maybe something that just chaps your hide? Well I can’t talk about it if I don’t’ know about it. So post below, send me a message, and let’s make this thing rock!

Great Show – Lots of heat. Folks are LOVING this new format!!

Topics of conversation this week included the article “Is Yelling the new Spanking?”

A question from a parent on how to follow through with kids who say they will help and then DON’T.

And finally the yearly problem parents face when they expect their children to behave like saints during the holiday season, even though they behave like terrors the rest of the year.

Gotta Question? A Comment? A Concern? Maybe something that just chaps your hide? Well I can’t talk about it if I don’t’ know about it. So visit the link, send me a message, and lets make MomTV a place for US to connect.