If I ask 100 people about their thoughts on control, 99.5 will whisper “I am a control freak”, as if this is a bad thing. Personally, I embrace and celebrate my “control freakish” nature. Why? Because the truth is, being a control freak is not the problem.

The problem comes from trying to control the external world instead of developing control of your internal world, which really means – demonstrating consistent self-control.

Of those same 100 people, 99.5 of them will readily admit that they spend the majority of their time trying to control everything outside of themselves. Why? Because it’s easier to try and control someone else or something else (ha) then it is to control your own thoughts, words and actions and to a certain extent, I agree.

I agree that it’s easier to “try” and control other people and situations than it is to develop the discipline necessary to control yourself. But the truth is, and we all know it, is that we can’t control ANYTHING beyond our own thoughts, words and actions.

Now when we think about the many ways, we well meaning parents try and control our kids, it’s important that we also look at the consequences of our decision to try and control them.

• Subtle Control – Subtle control can best be described as a friendly dictate from a well-meaning parent. You know, a parent who has their child’s best interest in mind. A parent who only wants their kids to experience the brighter side of life. A parent who KNOWS that if the child would just do what they say, the way they say to do, the child will most certainly turn out to be a happy, well adjusted, never sent to the principals office kind of kid. But alas, the child who is subjected to subtle control soon looses their voice and as the voice goes, so does the mental muscle to navigate their way through the world with any sense of confidence and enthusiasm. In other words, we create kids who will follow along with little resistance but who in essence are sitting on the sidelines of their life, while their parents do it for them.

• Overt Control – Overt control can best be described as the bossy, dictatorial, I-said-so kind of control. These parents don’t care to disguise their decision to control their kids and their kids lives. And surprisingly enough, their motivation to control is much like the subtle parents reasons. To ensure the kids make few or no mistakes, cruise through life with ease, and make their parents lives as easy as possible.

There are some inherent problems in this kind of parenting, not the least of which is that the kids begin to “push back” under all this heavy handed controlling. They quickly learn that controlling other people is a primary goal in life. After all, they are learning from the most important people in their life. Is it any wonder the kids begin to assert their own kind of control of their parents. But the other problem, and one far more concerning to me as a parent, is the fracture it leads to between parent and child. In an overtly controlling dynamic, constant jockeying for position replaces other, healthier ways of connecting.

If you wish to model for your children the benefit of developing and maintaining self-control, start with these simple exercises:

• Start paying attention to what you are thinking. Seriously. So often, a parent’s mouth will start moving before they have paused long enough to “THINK” about what it is they are going to say next and if it will enhance or interfere with the relationship they have with their child.

• Teach yourself to pause and to change what you are thinking. Learn to spin the thought on its axis until you have sniffed out any desire you might have to control the wee little one in front of you. As you begin to develop mental muscle, your ability to actually decide on your thoughts will become easier and easier. And if we are to believe that what comes out of our mouths is based on what we are thinking, then controlling the words we use will be infinitely easier. The words we choose will be in line with our thinking and our thinking is to demonstrate self-control and enhance the relationship with our child. Fabulous.

• Remember, your body works for your thoughts. As your thinking and speaking shifts from directing and reactive to thoughtful and intentional responses, your actions will follow. Imagine actions that are kind, patient, intentional, supportive, forgiving, loving, kind and understanding. Picture yourself influencing your child’s life from this perspective and you can quickly see the distinct advantages of practicing self-control rather than wasting time and energy trying to control the external world.

Have fun.

Children are incapable of STARTING a Power Struggle. They can certainly respond in a way that you might interpret as the beginning of the power struggle. But they can’t start one. Think about it for a minute. A Power Struggle begins after you ……

• Give a simple direction, correction, reminder, scolding or saving

“Go put your shoes on.”

You don’t think anything of this direction. But if your spouse said from behind his Blackberry, “Go put some lipstick on!” You would look at him as if he had two heads. And you would probably – push back. The spouse would realize his error, apologize and you would move on. Not so with a child. Instead, the child responds just like you would and you take it personally. Instead of owning up to the fact that you are trying to control another human being, you throw all the blame on a poor kid and you start right in. Hence, the Power Struggle begins.

“I told you I was leaving in 2 minutes.”

Again, if we imagine that you are in the process of getting ready and someone walks in and gruffly throws that line your way, it is reasonable to think that you just might stop what you were doing and give him the hairy eyeball. No doubt he would retract the statement and say, “I can wait another 5 minutes. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“I guess we can’t get donuts now – we are out of time.”

You just might swear at the poor fellow who had nerve enough to say this to you.

The list goes on.

• Why are you crying? There is nothing to cry about.
• Do you have everything you need?
• Are you forgetting anything?
• It is not okay for you to do that!

And it escalates as the child either

• Begins to push back against you
• Reels you in with demands
• Continues to push your buttons

The truth is – NO THINKING CHILD WOULD WILLINGLY START A FIGHT WITH AN OPPONENT HE or SHE KNOWS WILL WIN!

Children respond for their own reasons. They have a purpose. Their purpose is usually in line with how they feel they BELONG within the family. It is not to be right, or to win, or to show you that you are stupid, or anything like that. It is how they are beginning to identify themselves.

So it may SEEM as if the kids are doing this intentionally, but I assure you, they are NOT. They are not DOING THIS TO YOU.

When children respond to our directing, correcting….etc., it could easily stop there if we see that they are responding negatively. But what generally happens is that we take this as a JUSTIFICATION for going in full throttle and beating the crap out of them

How to Avoid Power Struggles.

• Decide you will NOT take advantage of someone who is smaller, younger and weaker than you.
• Decide that you will MODEL self control and walk away as soon as you catch yourself – no matter how far into the power struggle you are
• Give kids time to respond before you start rushing them.
• Do not jump to conclusions.
• Set Realistic Expectations. We expect more from our kids then from ourselves.
• Remember that YOU are the only person who can stop a Power Struggle. The child has NO idea what is really going on.

Tonight on MomTV I introduced 3 Parenting Styles.

• Authoritarian
• Permissive
• Democratic

We focused our attention on the Authoritarian Parenting Style and

• Defined Authoritarian Parenting.
• Identified what that looks like and sounds like from the parents perspective.
• Some of the reasons parents gravitate towards this kind of parenting.3. Identified what it looks like, sounds like and FEELS like from the child’s perspective.
• Discussed the dangers for kids who are raised with an Authoritarian Parenting Style.

Take this quick quiz and find out.

• I sometimes criticize my children to get them to do better.
• I sometimes use anger to get my children to do what I want.
• I sometimes threaten my children.
• I sometimes punish my children when they misbehave.
• I do not trust that my children will make good decision on their own.
• I believe it is my responsibility to organize my child’s life, to create routines that are healthy and to make sure that they do what they are supposed to do.
• I think it is disrespectful if my child challenges me.
• I do not ask for my child’s opinion or feedback.
• I make the majority of the decisions.

If you answered yes to 3 or more of these statements, there is a good chance that you use an Authoritarian Parenting Style.

Join me next week when I will be talking about Permissive Parenting Styles.

If you would like to learn more about Authoritarian, Permissive and Democratic Parenting Styles, please fill out the form below.

Last night we finished up with the Slippery Slope strategies which are intended to move you forward, out of a sticky situation and back to parenting from your best.

It is important to remember that:

• If you aren’t firm and kind, all of these great strategies will turn into punishments




• If you use the them as your “go to” strategies, you will return to the old ways – “putting band aids on bullet wounds” and all the work you have done so far, will alas, be for nothing. A little dramatic fare here as we are now all friends.




• Not all strategies are created equal, so play around, make them your own, test them out and remember their purpose.




• Your neighbor, friend, pediatrician, or local expert will never understand your child as well as you do. So trust yourself first, make a fool of yourself and try a new strategy that might become a trusted ally in moments of stress.




• Have fun, go slow and remember that you love these kids of yours. They deserve the best mom or dad you can be and with a little guidance and a community of other like-minded parents, that’s exactly what they are going to get.

So here we are, Section III of the Parenting On Track™ Program; Tools of Necessity. We talked about The Rabbit Hole and The Slippery Slope.

So let’s start with the Rabbit Hole.

Now you know

• What the Rabbit Hole is
• How to identify if you are “in it”
• And 3 things to do to “get out of it”

Isn’t it nice, to finally have permission, from an expert in the field, me, to do what you have instinctively known all along? And won’t it be nice to look at the lady across the aisle or pew or soccer field who is giving you the hairy eyeball and feel confident enough to smile back at her and mouth “it’s okay, I know what I’m doing”. And doesn’t it just make your heart sing to know that instead of using a bulldozer to get yourself OUT of the Rabbit Hole, which of course, NEVER works, you have 3 wonderful strategies to employ that will have everyone reconnected within minutes so you can get back to what’s most important in your life – a healthy, happy relationship with your kids.

The Slippery Slope

Many of you learned on tonight’s show that without firm and kind, all those strategies you have been trying to use for years, will never work. Not now, not in a week, not in a month. Without firm and kind, you will turn all those delicious options into punishment. So remember

• Practice Firm and Kind until you really get the hang of it. Remember what I said about how long I practiced before I got all 3 components right – the voice, the face and the body language.
• When you have mastered firm and kind, begin experimenting with the strategies I introduced tonight.
• Not all strategies will work the same. Some will feel more natural, some will just down right stink. Some strategies will get instant results with one child and have absolutely no effect with another.
• The purpose of these strategies is to pause the action, give you time to breath, redirect the child so you can AVOID the Rabbit Hole and get yourself back on track and parenting from your best.
• If you use these strategies as your “go to’s” then the 13 weeks you just spent with me will be a total waste. Use these strategies on occasion, with thought and intention, to move yourself forward towards your goal.

Next week we will finish up with the Slippery Slope strategies. Until then, practice, practice, practice.

If you were on the show last night, we are SO SORRY! Technology is great until it isn’t. We will re-do this episode of MomTV and keep our fingers crossed that the technology will stay in tact! If you are looking for the replay, it is not on the MomTV site, stay tuned for next week.

If you are familiar with the program and would like to add this component to your Family Meetings, the information below will help. Otherwise, stay tuned and we will try again on, Monday, April 5 at 9 PM ET!

“That looks like a problem for you – why don’t you put that on the ‘Problems To Solve’ Board”

Won’t it be lovely when you can finally throw in your whistle and referee cap and get back to the job of real parenting?

Won’t it be refreshing to hear your kids as they begin to identify a problem in one sentence and then instead of throwing the blame around, they simply move their creative brains to solving it?

Won’t it be fabulous when you realize that your kids have moved from problem finders to problem solvers and that most times, what used to send them into a full blown temper tantrum, isn’t even on their radar any longer?

And how much more fun is parenting, when suddenly, with the help of weekly appreciations, equal distribution of the family chores and a venue for solving problems, that there just aren’t that many problems to solve any longer?

This is the power of Problem Solving, which is really what Family Meetings are all about. It’s not really the solving of the problem that’s important. It’s that there is now a venue where

• All problems are brought to the table, discussed in a respectful way, with a focus on solving the problem in a way that works for the entire family.
• Practice. Practice at identifying problems – no name, no blame, in one sentence and then moving to what’s important – a practical and respectful solution.
• Because agreements are being made at every turn, the family begins to feel like a cohesive unit that will take the time to invite every family member to participate in the structure of the family until.

Enjoy this final piece of the Family Meeting puzzle. Remember that it will take time. We are a blame culture so there is some serious retraining that will have to happen – for everyone in the family.

Vicki

Monday Night we tackled “contributions”, an integral part of the Family Meetings.

Remember it’s important to invite the kids into this process – Read How To Stop Doing It All – for more info.

By inviting kids into the process and then taking the time to train them you create numerous benefits including but not limited to:

• Increase in healthy self esteem – I can take care of myself AND I contribute in positive ways
• Equal distribution of household work
• Creating lasting habits in our kids so they can balance both work and play when they leave home at 18
• Less fighting
• You have more energy and focus and love and patience because you quit your job as the maid and are now able to be emotionally available for your kids
• A simple system that works at any child’s age

This week, I invite you to look around the house, go back to the list you made in Week 3 – Timeline for Training (see, I told you you would need that list) and figure out where you want to begin with your kids.

Notice how they respond to this new addition to the family meeting. Remember that if they stall out or want to fight about how unfair this is, let them. When the timer goes off, you simply end the meeting.

No allowance and no need for you to be angry or short or end with any judgment.

You remain firm and kind, friendly and loving.

They learn a valuable lesson about wasting time and fighting about inconsequential things.

Have a great week.

First – Apologies for the tech problems.  Happily, they weren’t on our end.  There are 2 videos up on MomTV.  The first video is from the Live Show on Monday night.  The second video is the conclusion of the Money Management segment done on Tuesday.  Enjoy!

This Week:

• Introduce the idea of money at your next Family Meeting.
• Decide ahead of time how much money you will give each child each week and then be prepared to follow through.  That means having the money, in the correct denominations with you at each meeting.
• Decide how you will handle “lost” money.
• Plan your first outing as a way to learn more about your kids and money.
• Be prepared to support the learning, however that learning presents itself.

If you are so inclined, share an “A-ha” you had around money or something you learned as a result of giving your kids money with no strings attached.

Enjoy

• The financial freedom you experience when you empower kids to develop a healthy relationship with money
• The decrease in fighting when you are out and about because the kids have their own money
• The confidence in knowing that you are creating conscious consumers who have experience with what money can and can not do

I want you to create an Appreciation Board this week and begin creating the habit of looking for the best in each member of your family.

Encourage your kids to notice and write down what they appreciate about their siblings and parents.

Have a conversation with your kids describing the Family Meeting format and the Appreciations and try to keep the conversation between 5 and 8 minutes.

This is your chance to “practice” condensing what you want to say and leaving more time for the kids to talk or ask questions.

Question:

How did my children respond to the idea of Family Meetings?

How did the Appreciation portion of the Family Meeting go? Were their any surprises? If so, what were they?

If you are already holding Family Meetings and you use the appreciation board, please share with us what you notice about your family and your children and how they treat each other since you started appreciations.