Milk Without Chocolate
In just a few short weeks, kids across the country will throw open the doors to their classrooms and walk out of school for the last time and into – (insert screams of delight from thousands of school kids here) summer vacation (more screams of delight).
- Later bedtimes and lazy mornings
- A slower pace and time to “chill
- More spontaneity and less structure
- Endless possibilities and oodles of time to explore
- Forts and food fights, pool time and sunburns, crafts and bug collecting, sleep overs and camp outs
- Time with friends and more time with friends
- A family vacation or two or maybe even three
Sounds delicious doesn’t it?
I agree. So I was surprised to hear, over a cup of tea with a few close friends (who shall remain anonymous) what summer vacation means on the other side of the fence.
- Bedtime battles and stalled out mornings
- Late, late and more late – to everything
- Too many choices and too much negotiating
- No chores, no contributions, chaos and fighting
- Bad food, late bedtimes, cranky kids, dirty clothes, emergency room visits
- No time for adult “stuff” until it’s too late to enjoy adult “stuff”
- OMG – ANOTHER bad family vacation followed by another one and maybe even another one
After we shared a few giggles, we started to talk seriously about the upcoming summer season. We realized that we were painting the worst case scenario – a scenario that none of these savvy moms would ever experience. This particular group of moms has worked hard at this parenting thing (and I have been lucky enough to watch from the sidelines as they continue to develop wonderful relationships with their kids), so the summer will indeed provide opportunities for fun, family and friends.
But for many other moms and dads out there, what could be a season of delight and memory making – will most likely be a season of stress, frustration and a countdown to September.
So here are a few tips on how to make this summer a season full of delightful memories.
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Write down your expectations for summer and have your kids do the same thing. Do it individually so that no one is influenced by anyone else.
- Exchange lists without commenting. This is a chance for everyone to see another perspective. This is important.
- Together, talk about setting realistic expectations that can be met by everyone in the family.
- With this information, create a Summer 2010 Road Map. First, decide as a family what you want to SAY about the summer when it’s over. In other words, create a vision for your summer before it starts. And then use your Road Map to plot a course to getting there. This may take several days or several weeks to create.
- Post the Summer 2010 Road Map somewhere you can see it. You will use this to inspire, redirect, and remind everyone in the family what summer is all about – according to you anyway.
- Plan a series of Family Meetings that focus on the areas of the summer that might trip you up. For instance, family vacations, how many sleep overs per week, bedtimes and morning wake-ups, technology use, etc. Create a clear set of agreements and post these as well.
Here is an example:
Mom wants everyone to continue with their daily contributions which are to be done by 7:30 am and 5:30 pm. The kids think they should only have to do them once a week. Setting a realistic expectation about daily contributions will alleviate fights, frustration, confusion and chaos. Remember to be flexible.
This might seem like a bit of work, but think about how you prepare for any important trip you are about to take. Do you just throw some “stuff” in a bag and hope you get to the airport on time? Of course not. So don’t leave your summer up to chance. Invest a little time up front this year and enjoy each and every day of summer vacation.
Okay, so here is a perfect example of how smart and quick kids are.
Kathy takes her 3 kids to the kiddie pool during her recent stay in Florida. Zack, a new walker, tries to follow his sisters into the center of the pool.
Unfortunately for Zack, he has only been on his feet for a few short weeks (still wobbly), the bottom of his little shoes are slippery and the kiddie pool has a decidedly deceptive slope “down” to the center.
Zack enters the pool to follow said sisters. His feet come out from under him and SMASH. Down on his ass he goes knocking his head on the bottom of the pool.
Mom walks over to the child on his ass. She didn’t run. She didn’t scream. She didn’t grab him up. Why? Because she knows her kid. The other parents in attendance jumped up to “assist” Zack, but Kathy used non-verbal tools to get all the busy bodies to sit down and mind their own business.
She holds Zack by the hand, lifts him up, puts him on his feet at the edge of the pool and sits back down.
Zack takes a few steps towards the center of the pool and SMACK. Down he goes again.
This happens approximately 6 times. No tears. Frustration to be sure, but Kathy is quickly by his side, Quick hug, quick smooch and off he goes again.
Until suddenly, left on his own to figure this problem out, this smart, clever, creative, determined young 14 month old figures out that he has to sit on his ass and scoot towards the center of the kiddie pool.
For the next 2 weeks, remembering what he learned all on his own, Zack enjoys the pool. In fact, he practiced every time they went to the pool and inevitably, some parent would approach Kathy and comment on how clever Zack was for scooting into the pool and asked her “so how long did it take you to teach him that?” To which she promptly broke out in gut busting laughter.
I asked her why the gut busting laughter – her reply “Can you just see me sitting MY ass down in the pee filled kiddie pool and teaching my kid to scoot down to the center? No way that was gonna happen.”
Here is what she knows, what I know and what the parents of the Parenting On Track family know:
Kids are their own best teachers and when parents provide opportunities to practice, well, kids find their own perfect solutions.
Way to go Zack!
‘Tis the season and it’s often times difficult to know whether the decorating of the tree is for the big people or the little people. I for one have always been “stingy” when it comes to decorating. But for
my friends K & S, the choice was clear. Hand the job over entirely to the girls who single-handed-ly or double-handed-ly, as the case may be, came up with a perfect system.
- Lay out all the ornaments while little brother was in bed.
- All the non-breakable could stay on the floor while they put them on the tree.
- All the non-breakable’s would go on the lower branches where said brother had easy access to them
- All the breakable’s would go at the top of the tree, accessible by this magical slide which could be moved from one side of the tree to another.
When I asked my friends K & S their thoughts after the experience, this is what they had to say. “To sum it up, It was a bit like date night. We shared a bottle of wine, held hands, watched the 3 miracles in our lives and counted our blessings.”
What could be better that that? Absolutely nothing.
Posted in Milk Without Chocolate
- Are you a parent who thinks kids can’t do much?
- Do you think kids have to be 13 before you can begin teaching them how to take care of themselves?
- Do you think kids might be resistant to doing things for themselves, after they have had a bit of training?
- Did it ever occur to you that four-year-olds can make a decent peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
We’ve got news for you – they can – they do and this one DID. Check it out.
If you are hesitant to start training, I encourage you to rethink your ideas on training kids for independence and self sufficiency. Or then again, you could be packing lunch for an ungrateful 13 year old. Its up to you- you choose.
Posted in Milk Without Chocolate
- Have doubts about what kids can REALLY do?
- Wonder if a 3 year old is capable of doing anything other then making messes?
- Cautious about asking your kids to help out on a regular basis?
Well check out this video of my favorite 3 and 4 year old and see for yourself what young kids who have been encouraged to help because their mother took me seriously when I said “If they can walk, they can work” can do for themselves. Doesn’t training look fun?
So no more stories about how kids: Wont Work – Can’t Work – Don’t Work
Take a page from K’s book and invite your kids into the process of helping around the house. You could send one of these video’s to all your friends or better yet, have children who have had so much time to practice life, that they enter into adolescence with confidence and enthusiasm!
For more information visit: www.parentingontrack.com/program/details
Posted in Milk Without Chocolate
I’ve been talking a lot lately about the “empty nest syndrome” and how wonderful, yet hard it is to see your grown children step confidently into their own lives. I’ve been so involved – both with time and emotions – in my own children’s leaving, that I almost forgot what it was like the first time they left.
What am I talking about? I’m talking about daycare, pre-school, kindergarten or wherever it is that children first “leave” to be on their own, outside of your home, for even just a few hours. I’ll never forget the first day of school for each one of my children – the memories are as bittersweet as the longer-term goodbyes are today.
I was reminded of those first, short-term goodbyes last week by one of my good friends, who said goodbye to her oldest child at pre-school. She called me with a choked up voice and told me how seamless it went. “Seamless?” I said, “Then why are you crying?” I asked. “Because… because I needed the goodbye hug more than she did.”
Many of us have had these seamless transitions from home to school with children who are confident and excited for the next phase in their life. But many of us have had the opposite. The child that doesn’t want to let go, and cries a lot the first few weeks of school. If you have one of those children that is having a hard time transitioning into pre-school or kindergarten, the only thing I can say is, “hang in there.” They will get through this time, as hard as it seems.
Remember to have confidence that your child can handle it, and show that confidence through Encouragement (Ch. 7 of the Parenting On Track™ Home Program) and the Crucial C’s (found in Ch. 6). If you believe that your children will get through it, then your children will believe it too. And, that alone can help them meet challenges far beyond those first brief flights outside the nest.
The truth is, all of our children will experience change and transition into new experiences many times throughout the course of their lives. Some of those transitions will be seamless and others, not so much. All we can do, as parents, is support them, listen to them, encourage them and hope that we need the goodbye hug more than they do.
Posted in Milk Without Chocolate
No, you are not going to “give in” to them! No, you are not going to “naughty chair” them. No, you are not going to “talk about it”. What you ARE going to do, is add three of the most POWERFUL words on the planet to the word YES and turn temper tantrum -ing toddlers (or teens for that matter) into patient, cooperative thoughtful family members.
Don’t believe me? Well here is a true story that demonstrates just how effective these 4 words are, when used correctly.
I was walking with my good friend and her two children ages 1 and 2, whom I absolutely adore, and the family dogs. The goal was to get some exercise and reconnect with each other while getting the kids out of the house for some much needed fresh air and sunshine. Unfortunately, once we started walking, the kids started in with some classic demands and, well, here is what happened…
It started out with a “Waaaa” from the one-year-old and several whiny “I waaaant toooo waaaalk” from the two-year-old. Like most parents, my friend eventually gave in and let the two-year-old walk, and, as you know, if you let one out, you have to let the other one out, right?
I was immediately impressed with my friend’s circus-like talent. She started by holding the one-year-old in her arms, trying all the while to push the stroller while keeping the other child on the sidewalk. Soon enough, she was juggling two kids, a stroller, and the dogs in beautiful, chaotic synchronization. Amazed… if not utterly stunned by what she had taken on, I remained quiet and observed. And yes, of course, I eventually offered to help.
No doubt some of you recognize this story and are smiling, nodding, or even shaking your head with that blank, shell-shocked look on your face. Well, keep reading because there IS relief to this timeless riddle.
Alas, the girls did not want to walk OR be held OR do anything else for very long. And, it soon became clear that changing their position up, down, over, around and through, wasn’t even their GOAL. What they really wanted was to keep their mommy busy with them, at the expense of everything else – including visiting with me.
Very quickly, neither my friend nor I were having any fun. I had lost interest in the endless circus act, and we were not able to talk and connect with these two ruckus munchkins demanding all of the attention. So, we soon retreated home and the walk was officially over.
The next day when my friend and I had a quiet moment, we discussed the events that had unfolded the day before. We talked about how quickly the walk had degenerated from a time for two adult friends to connect, into a circus routine with the children in the center ring, running the show.
As you probably know, this is a situation parents find themselves in quite often. If you’re just now expecting your first child, or are thinking about having children, all you have to do is look around the next time you are in the grocery store. You’ll see moms carrying the baby, cajoling the toddler, or bouncing the baby while trying to make it through at least putting the essentials in the cart.
And then there are fathers, gallantly trying to avoid a public tantrum by giving in to their little one’s pleading cries for gum, candy or treats. And, as in my dear friend’s case, there are constant accommodations in response to pleas for freedom from or return to the stroller.
In the Parenting On Track™ program we refer to this place as The Slippery Slope – that place where parents find themselves when they know at any minute things could go from good to bad, or from bad to really bad!
So, what’s a well-meaning, law-abiding parent to do?
It’s all about training. We can either train our kids to believe that life is all about them, and that it is their job to keep us busy with them, OR we can train our kids in the fine arts of patience, respect, flexibility, cooperation, and manners – arts that are also valuable life skills that will pay dividends faster than you can say “play date!”
OK, I get it. But just HOW does one do teach these fine arts?
Start small by creating opportunities from everyday life, and for those moments that catch you off guard try this simple Parenting On Track™ strategy called “Yes, As soon as…” Quick, easy, and highly adaptable, using this strategy results in simple, but effective exchanges like this:
Child: “Can I walk?”
Parent: “Yes, as soon as we get to our road.”
Child: “Can I watch TV?”
Parent: “Yes, as soon as you finish your homework.”
Child: “Can I have a cookie?”
Parent: “Yes, as soon as you eat something healthy.”
The tantrums and the whining usually begin when we tell our children, “No.” And, it ends when we either give in or get mad. Neither one breaks the cycle or teaches our children anything useful. So, say “Yes,” instead, AND… make sure that “Yes” is part of an agreement between you and your child. You agree to let your child do something or have something they want, when they prove to you that they can handle the privilege.
If you have trouble getting started, remember this.
It may not work the first time, and is not intended to stand alone, so you should also:
- Try to incorporate the Crucial C’s (Chapter 9, Parenting On Track™ Home Program) with all the strategies you use.
- Have faith in your kids – they can handle both the disappointments and privileges.
- Have your kids help you find solutions to problems if you are stuck.
- And always, always, take the time to make a plan.
Now, just close your eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine what it will be like if, after 6 months, your family was tantrum-free. It’s all worth considering isn’t it?
Posted in Milk Without Chocolate
If you’re beginning to wonder if you’re the maid or the parent, then…
A) You’re not alone
B) Now’s the time to do something about changing roles, and
C) Believe it or not, both you AND the kids will be glad you did now, and for years to come.
I realized at an early stage in my pregnancy with my first child that I could either be the maid or be emotionally available to my children, but I could not do both. Since there’s a far greater payoff to being emotionally available, I decided to train my children early on to help with the household chores.
Now, if you’re at all put off by the word train, here are a few other verbs straight out of my thesaurus: teach, coach, educate, instruct, guide, prepare, tutor… and you’ve got to love this one… school.
I use the word train because that’s what it is. And let’s face it, training is useful – it makes us all better at what we do. And knowing how to learn from our training is a skill in and of itself. A skill, I might add, that will serve your children well as they go off to school, into the workplace… but that’s another topic for another day. Back to making everyone’s life easier and more pleasant by taking off that maid’s outfit and giving your children a chance to be part of the family fun.
Is there an optimal time for training?
The quick answer is YES! Over the years I developed a very simple answer for parents when they would ask me how young they could start training their children to help around the house. My answer is, “If they can walk, they can work.” That’s right moms and dads, it’s never too early.
There are two good reasons to start training your children in what is essentially the fine art of cooperation and contribution, as soon as possible.
1. The first reason is that, if children have been invited to participate in family chores from a young age, contributions will be a normal and routine part of their daily lives by the time they hit the pre-adolescent, “I am not interested” age. So, it’s actually less painful for both you and your kids if you start ‘em young.
Consider this. When our children are very small, they come to us asking to help and we are quick to reply with, “No, too hot; too heavy; too dangerous; too sharp; too fast; you are too little; too slow; too short.” And then we send them out of the kitchen and into the other room to play with the plastic kitchens and plastic food and say, “Now go play and have fun.”
We continue to do this, over and over, for years, until one day, about the time that same child turns 10, WE decide it’s time for them to be responsible for their stuff and we start in with, “Hey, pick up your back pack; unpack your backpack; put your dishes away; clear the table; pick up your room; do your laundry…” Sorry ladies and gents, but by then, it’s too late! We have missed the most opportune time for training.
You see, when children are very, very interested in just about everything around them – including mimicking mom and dad, you, as a responsible, pro-active parent, can use that natural curiosity to everybody’s advantage and get everyone involved in doing their part around the house.
2. The second reason to start training your children early to contribute to the household chores is a very practical one – kids need years of practice to become good at doing “stuff” around the house.
Just take a second and look around your home. I’m sure you’d agree that tasks which truly contribute to running even the simplest of households require some pretty complex skills, and developing any skill takes practice, more practice, and even more practice. The sooner you start practicing a skill, the sooner that skill develops.
So, just how should I go about training my toddler to contribute to the household chores?
Here are a few things to keep in mind:
- An immaculate house is NOT the primary goal. If you want it clean to your standards, wait until the kids are in bed and clean it yourself – but for goodness sakes, don’t get caught!
- Set reasonable expectations based on the child’s age.
- Notice what your child is doing, and talk about it.
- Train in small time increments.
- Start with something relatively easy, like putting back toys, then move on to more advanced tasks like picking up trash and helping with the dishes.
The following checklists should help you get started with your first attempt:
Planning Basics
- What two jobs can my toddler attempt successfully?
- When am I going to train him or her? (Pick a time in the day that works for you and your child.)
- What are my expectations?
When Your Child Says, “No”
- Smile and walk away.
- Go do something more interesting like read your book, listen to music, paint…
It’s also good to keep in mind that training in the art of cooperation and contribution doesn’t have to be explicitly planned during the early stages of training. As long as you’re ready when the opportunity presents itself, you can instill this spirit at a moment’s notice.
When Your Little One Tugs On Your Pant Leg to Play
- Say “Yes, I would LOVE to play with you, as soon as we use bubbles to wash the dishes!”
- Ask another question like “Would you like to learn how to squeeze the dish soap or turn on the dishwasher?”
Above all, DON’T GIVE UP — the ability to cooperate and contribute is a life skill that takes practice. And, whether you know it or not, your little ones will notice that you never give up on them, and that means the world.
If you have stories about how life has changed, now that you have handed in your feather duster and started training your kids, please share your comments below!
For more information on HOW to stay patient, set reasonable expectations, teach in small increments, and encourage your child (& yourself) along the way, purchase our Home Program and join the forum — Today!
Posted in Milk Without Chocolate