Invest In The Best
A student walks into my classroom, shoulders rounded, head down, gazing blankly at his feet. Kids rush by, pushing him off balance. I watch for a moment, then ask myself, “What assets is this child bringing today that will help with his transition from home to school?” The obvious answer is “courage’-he has mustered up the courage to walk into this unfamiliar and awkward social setting.
As a teacher, the most important thing for me to remember is that school is indeed a social setting – a social setting (just like a family) that demands answers to the questions “How do I know I belong here? How do I know I have a place in this group?” There are powerful actions we can take as teachers to support all students, discouraged or not, who are looking for answers to these questions:
- Observe your students’ strengths. Spend at least two weeks observing each of your students and the strengths they bring into the classroom.
- Give every student a job that draws out that strength-for example, getting the teacher’s mail, signaling the class’s attention, filling homework folders.
- Convey the importance of their contribution to the daily function of the classroom-quietly!
As one of my mentors told me years ago, “The real job of a teacher is to do more than teach academics. It is to develop citizens of the world. That takes time. But what else have you got to do that is more interesting than that?”
I couldn’t agree more. Teachers (and parents), say hello to the next generation of leaders.
Posted in Invest In The Best
As I was looking through old notes that I had saved for use in future blog posts, I found this one from a friend dated about 2 years ago. I thought it would be the perfect story to share, to exemplify this season of gratitude.
“Thank you very much, thank you. Thank you very, very much.”
Those words were sung by the enthusiastic students at a recent assembly held at a local elementary school. The applause and appreciation were for the school’s longtime janitor.
At the assembly, a fifth grade student and the art teacher requested that the janitor come to the front of the room. I watched as this humble, gentle man, caught off guard by the request and the cheers from the students, was asked to remove his ball cap, which was replaced with a crown made of decorated construction paper. He was instructed to take a seat on a “throne,” reserved just for him.
He sat on his “throne” as posed and calm as anyone I have ever seen-looking out at all the children, teachers, and parents with complete admiration and appreciation for each and every one of them. There we stood, his audience, appreciating him, honoring him, & thanking him.
I see this man every morning, greeting the children as they arrive with a “Hey, you, how are you!” “Good morning!” or “Have a great day!”
Then he always turns to me and says “That’s why I do this, you know-those kids. It’s important they have a clean place to go to school and learn.” Maybe that’s why the kids wanted to appreciate him-because they can feel his heart in his work and in his commitment to them.
Friday those kids practiced the art of gratitude. They took the time to notice and appreciate a special person in their lives.
So the next time you find yourself feeling stressed or overwhelmed, find your child or another family member and say “Thank you for being you – just the way you are.”
Living our values, whether it be gratitude, respect, integrity, kindness or whatever rings most important to you, takes intention, commitment and practice.
To learn more about living your values with your children, all while juggling the “daily-ness” of life, check out the Parenting On Track™ Program
As always, feel free to share ways that you have practiced living your values in your life.
Posted in Invest In The Best
There are so many factors that contribute to a child’s ability to deal with the cycle of bullying without becoming the bully, the bullied or the bystander.
A child who is comfortable in the witness role, as referred to in Barbara Coloroso’s book, The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander, is raised in a household heavily grounded in concepts, ideas and actions that support an individual’s right to be treated with dignity and respect at all times.
Here is my short list of attributes present in families who are raising kids capable of dealing with injustice, wherever and whenever they witness it.
- A parental attitude that is both firm and kind. Firm is respectful to the adult. Kind is respectful to the child.
- Clear expectations concerning everything from meal etiquette to social responsibility for every member of the family.
- Parents who say what they mean, mean what they say and do it. This builds trust.
- Follow through that is respectful and consistent.
- A code of conduct created by the family as a whole, that identifies values and examples of living those values on a regular basis.
- Participation by all family members in decisions influencing the family & family policy.
- A venue for solving problems that is mutually respectful, takes into account everyone’s idea of a viable solution and the ability to discuss solutions until one is agreed upon that supports all family members.
- A focus on building strong relationships and less on disciplining children in order to maintain control.
- Time set aside on a regular basis to discuss issues with children that deal with challenges they may face outside of their homes.
- Opportunities to develop confidence speaking up, sharing opinions, listening to others, and learning to accept other points of view.
- A home that demonstrates compassion, acceptance, understanding and forgiveness on a regular basis.
- Children encouraged to develop their own voice, to share their perspective and to shape their own moral compass.
- An atmosphere where children are encouraged to participate in family decisions and understand their input is valued and necessary for a healthy family dynamic.
- An environment that supports the idea that mistakes are opportunities to learn and taking responsibility for mistakes is encouraged.
- A commitment from parents to parent from “their best” which allows children the chance to grow into their “best selves.”
- Children whose strengths are acknowledged on a regular basis.
- Parents who are more interested in raising thinking children and less interested in raising compliant children.
Creating a healthy family atmosphere happens one day at a time.
For a more comprehensive understanding of the bullying cycle, I recommend that you order Coloroso’s book, The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander, and take action in your home, your school and your community.
The Parenting On Track™ program shows you how to raise children who will have a greater likelihood of standing up for injustice and growing into young adults who will take action in their schools and their communities.
Posted in Invest In The Best
The Longest Mile
Not sure exactly what prompted her to start screaming. Could have been a number of things and truth-be-told, the “trigger” isn’t what’s important. The event itself isn’t even all that important. What’s important is the learning. What’s important is what I am going to do the next time this happens and what I am going to do in all the moments in-between that make up my daily life with this extraordinary child. What’s important is that I found the courage to look at my 9 year old daughter with love, compassion, respect and admiration, while she was screaming at me (at the top of her lungs) as we walked down our quiet back road and out onto the main road during our morning walk to school.
The Courage to Love
I had to rally every ounce of courage and strength inside me in order to look at this 9 year old, nostrils flaring, fists clenched, teeth baring and lips snarled, walking backwards in front of me screaming, as the neighbors walked from their homes to their cars and drove by us, afraid to make eye-contact.
I had to muster up bucket loads of self-restraint not to retaliate when she hit my elbow and my morning cup of coffee spilled out onto my leg and her arm, which precipitated a blood curdling scream from her and a claim that I poured my HOT coffee onto her, just as one neighbor was getting into her car.
Every creative cell that inhabits my body was called into action when it came time to remember her as the peaceful, beautiful, loving baby that was born unto this earth. And to repeat this quote from Rudolf Dreikurs in my mind, with each step,
“In order to be able to exert a constructive influence on your child you must learn to observe her objectively. This you can do only if you take her misbehavior less seriously. You must stop regarding her faults as a moral issue. The child who misbehaves is not a “bad” child. She is only unhappy, misguided and discouraged, and has not found the right answer to the social problems which confront her. Every misbehavior indicates an error of judgment in her efforts to find her place within the family and to meet the demands and pressures to which she is subjected.” -Rudolf Dreikurs, MD, “Coping with Children’s Misbehavior: A Parent’s Guide.”
No, for those of you asking, I did not remember that quote word for word – however I have read it enough times and embraced the concepts in the Parenting On Track™ program founded on these principles, that I could access the essence of this in my heart, my body, and my mind.
Inspired to Give In
After 1.2 miles the screaming stopped, a soft, gentle, small hand reached up and grabbed mine. That small hand held on so tightly and so completely that I immediately gave thanks to the Universe for keeping me safe and strong, and keeping me from behaving in a manner that would cause fracture to this delicate and yet solid relationship. With a voice hoarse from screaming and full of genuine sorrow and integrity – my daughter apologized.
Now What?
We proceeded to walk the rest of the .5 miles to school and created some connections about the road, the leaves, our strong leg muscles and full bellies to fuel us through the day.
On the walk home, I reflected. Reflected on what just happened, what I learned, and what I would do the next time my discouraged child joined us for our morning walk to school or trip to the grocery store or…
New Information
1. I believe in this circumstance, using the adage “move your feet” actually fueled the fire.
I believe if I had found a rock or a tree stump along the way and chose to sit down, the yelling would have stopped. I know in my heart, she would have found it completely distasteful to yell at someone who was trapped, open and vulnerable. She probably would have jumped into my arms for a heart-felt hug.
Instead, my walking just offered energy to the situation and her determination to wrangle me in. I could be wrong, but at least I have a plan for the next time.
2. Connection – That is what she craves. Give it to her. Give it to her as often as I can in all the moments in between. I have nothing else to do with her (as she manages her life quite nicely and could actually manage a Fortune 500 Company or a Country for that matter), so spend time with her connecting. What does that look like you ask?
- Make eye contact and don’t break it for anything.
- Listen to her like there is nobody else in the room.
- Ask her opinion on everything.
- Ask her for help solving my problems.
- Take heed to her advice, when she has a better idea.
- Hug her. Hug her like there is no tomorrow.
- Smile when I see her coming, even if she is mad at me.
Energizing Perspective
On my walk home, I also spent a great deal of time re-framing my perspective and finding the “good” in the morning.
1. I live with one feisty, stubborn, tenacious young woman and she is NOT afraid to say NO. May she have the courage to access those qualities when someone who does not have her best interest at heart, tries to influence her.
2. She knows what she believes in and is not afraid to stand up for it. She is still working on the best way to communicate her beliefs, but by-golly she knows what she knows to be true and is NOT AFRAID to let you know it.
Courage is not always tidy.
My daughter is courageous. That is who she BE! She stands up for herself. She stands up to bullies. She stands up for those she loves (and those she doesn’t). She stands up to ME. I love her and I am committed to matching her courageous nature with my own. I commit to doing whatever it takes to BE the Mom she deserves.
Lizzy, I love you!
Posted in Invest In The Best
This blog post is reprinted with permission from the author, an amazing, committed, passionate, flexible, creative mother, wife, sister and friend.
For more inspirational posts, visit http://flockmother.wordpress.com/
Some people will think I’m a bad mom.
There it is. That jagged little pill. I still haven’t completely choked it down. It gives me that little pit in my stomach when I force myself to do what’s best for my kids … even in public.
“Does she have a backpack?” asked the driver of the van that Charlotte takes to camp each morning.
I knew it was still in our car that was parked about 10 yards away.
“Yes. In the car,” I said. He stared at me.
“Is she going to have it by the time I drive away?” he asked, eyebrows raised.
“I don’t know,” I said as we watched Charlotte settle in to the back seat without her backpack. I smiled uncomfortably and said, “We like to say, ‘If you don’t want to do it forever, don’t do it once!’”
“Okaaay….” he said, eyebrows still raised in disbelief.
My stomach tightened slightly as we stood in silence. Ten seconds passed and then we watched as Charlotte calmly unfastened her seat belt, hopped out of the van, and ran to the car to get her backpack.
Yes, some people will think I’m a bad mom. But what’s more important, what they think? Or this:
Read some comments below:
Great one! Thank you for including the quote, “If you don’t want to do if forever, don’t do it once.”
Hey, we’re all getting more comfortable with sitting in uncomfortable spots with this stuff…and somehow it always pays off. Kudos to you for this one, love the idea that your trust in your kids and their ability to handle things is not willing to be rocked by other people’s preconceptions.
Reply from Flockmother: Yes, each time it gets a little easier to ignore the skeptics. Sometimes I still have to consciously control the self-talk in my head. This time it was, “Either she’ll remember on her own, or she’ll find a way to get through her day without it. Either way, I trust that she’ll be fine, and what this guy here thinks of that just … doesn’t … matter.”
That and shoving my hands in my pockets and pursing my lips shut helps too.
Simply put, we are a culture preoccupied with our own Self Interest which, unfortunately is reinforced on a daily basis.
Two prevailing attitudes which emerge with regularity are:
- What’s in it for me? OR What will I get?
- What will people think of me?
Here are a number of questions children ask themselves every day which can be influenced by the What’s in it for me/What will I get attitude.
What will I get, if I…
- Use the potty?
- Sleep in my own bed?
- Sit still for a hair cut?
- Let the doctor give me a check up?
- Say I am sorry?
- Help with daily contributions?
- Stop fighting with my siblings?
- Apply myself at school?
- Agree to come home on time?
- Stop calling my family names?
- Drop the attitude?
Scary, isn’t it? You begin to get a sense of how that attitude might affect your kids as employees, spouses and parents.
The second attitude – What will people think of me is more commonly seen in adults. It sounds something like.
What will people think of me, if…
- My kids aren’t properly clothed, fed, washed, groomed?
- My kids are disrespectful, rude, display bad manners, are sassy to me?
- My kids do poorly in school or are not star athletes?
- I can’t afford to have my kids do all the things their friends do and have what their friends have?
- I can’t control my kids?
This attitude is disastrous for parents and children alike. As parents, it is difficult enough to make responsible and respectful decisions regarding our children. To compound the problem by adding the – What will people think of me, significantly limits our ability to parent from our best. The decisions we make about and for our children can no longer be influenced by what others will think of us.
Tips for Success
If you, as the parent, ever wonder about HOW you are making decisions, take a few seconds and answer this one question:
The needs of the situation require that I do what?
Here is what Adler had to say on the subject of Social Interest:
“A healthy person is concerned for other people and has a sincere desire to contribute to society. So, Never do anything for a child that a child can do for herself.”
“The first step in teaching social interest is to teach self-reliance.
So, Never rob your children of opportunities to feel capable.”
Here are 3 examples that illustrate the power of Social Interest:
1. Imagine your child arrives at school properly trained in Social Interest. He may look around the room and say, “The needs of the situation require that I…”
- Choose a place to sit.
- Have a pencil to write with and all the other supplies I will need for the day.
- Raise my hand when I have a question.
- Do my homework as is expected of me.
- Allow other children to speak.
- Follow through with the agreements I make with the teacher.
Imagine a school room with students who are ALL asking themselves this same set of questions. Powerful stuff.
2. Now imagine your children at home and asking themselves internally, “The needs of the situation require that I…”
- Help my brother out with homework because he is struggling and math is easy for me.
- Say no to friends who ask me out and I know they will be drinking.
- Practice my instrument, because I made an agreement with my parents and music teacher.
- Miss my soccer game so I can go to an important family function.
- Do my contributions, even though I was up late, because everyone else is expected to do theirs.
Yes, I know it seems too good to be true, but consider this for a minute, we are always in the process of choosing. That includes how we interpret situations. So either our kids are asking themselves, what will I get out of this, or they are asking themselves the needs of the situation require that I do what. Why is it so hard for parents to believe, that children, when given a chance, will act from the position of the highest social interest?
Okay, lastly –
3. Imagine yourself, as a parent who asks on a regular basis, “The needs of the situation require that I…”
- Allow my children to experience frustration, so they can learn more about themselves.
- Stay cool and put this on the agenda for Family Meeting.
- Apologize when I make a mistake.
- Remain flexible as my children learn to navigate their way around an ever changing world.
- Model empathy, compassion and forgiveness if I expect my children to develop these attributes.
- Avoid comparing my children with anyone else – ever.
- Allow my child to make a choice, even though I know it may end poorly.
- Respect the natural consequence my child is going to experience with faith and confidence.
- Explain to the teacher why my child is coming to school with no lunch and no homework.
- Refrain from telling stories about my child in social situations where everyone else is complaining.
Again, you see the power this one question has in influencing every decision we make. So this week, anchor the power of developing Social Interest in yourself, your children and your family.
Posted in Invest In The Best
If you liked last week’s post from Annie Fox and were looking for some follow up solutions, check out Annie Fox’s second blog post My Child? A Bully? Part II. You will find 6 suggestions for addressing the bullying behavior.
Among them are a few of my recommendations as well.
At the top of the list is the Family Meeting. As the mother of 5 and part of a blended family with kids who have very strong personalities and a mother who is not opposed to using “power” to get her own way, our Family Meetings were a venue that held each and every one of us accountable for our behavior. My husband and I experienced the same consequences the kids did when we resorted to any bullying tactics to get our own way.
For those of you who know me, you will know that this didn’t happen often, but even I can be pushed into behaving in despicable ways. Luckily, we created a powerful tool for supporting each of us as we grew into our most respectful selves.
My second recommendation for addressing bullying behavior is to work with an outside source. Whether you see a parent coach, a traditional therapist or a member of the clergy, getting an outside perspective, having an impartial ear and a voice of reason will go a long way at “rebooting” your family and giving every member the skills they need to stay respectful and thoughtful with each other as well as everyone else in their lives.
“The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander” by Barbara Coloroso is still my hands down favorite book for truly learning about, understanding and then addressing the issue of bullying.
Over the years I have been asked repeatedly to address the subject of bullying and I have declined each and every time. Instead, I choose to focus on the task of teaching families how to create an atmosphere that is pro-active and provides opportunities for building strong relationships.
All of us at Parenting On Track™ encourage you to start creating this atmosphere of mutual respect, encouragement, contribution and cooperation right away. Don’t wait until you see the signs of bullying in your child. Don’t wait until you experience yourself (not parenting from your best) in your child’s behavior to do something differently. Build healthy relationships today and offer your children another way to “be” in relationship with themselves, their siblings, their friends, and the community at large. Click here and learn more about our multi-media home program now.
Posted in Invest In The Best
In just a few short weeks, kids across the country will throw open the doors to their classrooms and walk out of school for the last time and into – (insert screams of delight from thousands of school kids here) summer vacation (more screams of delight).
- Later bedtimes and lazy mornings
- A slower pace and time to “chill
- More spontaneity and less structure
- Endless possibilities and oodles of time to explore
- Forts and food fights, pool time and sunburns, crafts and bug collecting, sleep overs and camp outs
- Time with friends and more time with friends
- A family vacation or two or maybe even three
Sounds delicious doesn’t it?
I agree. So I was surprised to hear, over a cup of tea with a few close friends (who shall remain anonymous) what summer vacation means on the other side of the fence.
- Bedtime battles and stalled out mornings
- Late, late and more late – to everything
- Too many choices and too much negotiating
- No chores, no contributions, chaos and fighting
- Bad food, late bedtimes, cranky kids, dirty clothes, emergency room visits
- No time for adult “stuff” until it’s too late to enjoy adult “stuff”
- OMG – ANOTHER bad family vacation followed by another one and maybe even another one
After we shared a few giggles, we started to talk seriously about the upcoming summer season. We realized that we were painting the worst case scenario – a scenario that none of these savvy moms would ever experience. This particular group of moms has worked hard at this parenting thing (and I have been lucky enough to watch from the sidelines as they continue to develop wonderful relationships with their kids), so the summer will indeed provide opportunities for fun, family and friends.
But for many other moms and dads out there, what could be a season of delight and memory making – will most likely be a season of stress, frustration and a countdown to September.
So here are a few tips on how to make this summer a season full of delightful memories.
-
Write down your expectations for summer and have your kids do the same thing. Do it individually so that no one is influenced by anyone else.
- Exchange lists without commenting. This is a chance for everyone to see another perspective. This is important.
- Together, talk about setting realistic expectations that can be met by everyone in the family.
- With this information, create a Summer 2010 Road Map. First, decide as a family what you want to SAY about the summer when it’s over. In other words, create a vision for your summer before it starts. And then use your Road Map to plot a course to getting there. This may take several days or several weeks to create.
- Post the Summer 2010 Road Map somewhere you can see it. You will use this to inspire, redirect, and remind everyone in the family what summer is all about – according to you anyway.
- Plan a series of Family Meetings that focus on the areas of the summer that might trip you up. For instance, family vacations, how many sleep overs per week, bedtimes and morning wake-ups, technology use, etc. Create a clear set of agreements and post these as well.
Here is an example:
Mom wants everyone to continue with their daily contributions which are to be done by 7:30 am and 5:30 pm. The kids think they should only have to do them once a week. Setting a realistic expectation about daily contributions will alleviate fights, frustration, confusion and chaos. Remember to be flexible.
This might seem like a bit of work, but think about how you prepare for any important trip you are about to take. Do you just throw some “stuff” in a bag and hope you get to the airport on time? Of course not. So don’t leave your summer up to chance. Invest a little time up front this year and enjoy each and every day of summer vacation.
Okay, so here is a perfect example of how smart and quick kids are.
Kathy takes her 3 kids to the kiddie pool during her recent stay in Florida. Zack, a new walker, tries to follow his sisters into the center of the pool.
Unfortunately for Zack, he has only been on his feet for a few short weeks (still wobbly), the bottom of his little shoes are slippery and the kiddie pool has a decidedly deceptive slope “down” to the center.
Zack enters the pool to follow said sisters. His feet come out from under him and SMASH. Down on his ass he goes knocking his head on the bottom of the pool.
Mom walks over to the child on his ass. She didn’t run. She didn’t scream. She didn’t grab him up. Why? Because she knows her kid. The other parents in attendance jumped up to “assist” Zack, but Kathy used non-verbal tools to get all the busy bodies to sit down and mind their own business.
She holds Zack by the hand, lifts him up, puts him on his feet at the edge of the pool and sits back down.
Zack takes a few steps towards the center of the pool and SMACK. Down he goes again.
This happens approximately 6 times. No tears. Frustration to be sure, but Kathy is quickly by his side, Quick hug, quick smooch and off he goes again.
Until suddenly, left on his own to figure this problem out, this smart, clever, creative, determined young 14 month old figures out that he has to sit on his ass and scoot towards the center of the kiddie pool.
For the next 2 weeks, remembering what he learned all on his own, Zack enjoys the pool. In fact, he practiced every time they went to the pool and inevitably, some parent would approach Kathy and comment on how clever Zack was for scooting into the pool and asked her “so how long did it take you to teach him that?” To which she promptly broke out in gut busting laughter.
I asked her why the gut busting laughter – her reply “Can you just see me sitting MY ass down in the pee filled kiddie pool and teaching my kid to scoot down to the center? No way that was gonna happen.”
Here is what she knows, what I know and what the parents of the Parenting On Track family know:
Kids are their own best teachers and when parents provide opportunities to practice, well, kids find their own perfect solutions.
Way to go Zack!
This story was sent to me by one of our Parenting On Track™ moms. She does not have a blog that she uses to journal her experiences, so I thought this would be a good story to share on our blog.
Here it is. Enjoy.
Last night I overheard a brief interaction between my two oldest children. Not much for some families but for me – it was enough to bring me to my knees. The exchange was a complete contrast to the relationship I had with my own sibling growing up, which was, in a word, non-existent. Sad? Maybe, but that’s the reality. We have seen each other 2 times in 2 years. Here is how this relationship with my sibling plays out in my life now, as the mother of 4.
I would say I am like most parents in that, the reality of my own personal sibling relationship weighs heavily on my beliefs around my children’s relationships with each other. Before the Parenting On Track program, I was crazy insane every time my kids would tease each other or give the cold shoulder or any type of interaction that was not loving and appreciative. Within an instant I was transported into the future, where as adult siblings, they didn’t speak to each other, didn’t make time for each other. In fact, they spent so little time getting to know each other as kids, that they would have NO idea what their siblings interest, values or talents were. And to make it worse, I truly believed that because of this “lack of relationship” they would carry around a big black void in their life. Intense and very real to me.
Rewind to my early days with Parenting On Track. I took a leap of faith and listened as Vicki told us that we would “get what you feed in your homes”. What she was suggesting was that I ignore the fighting, the teasing, the outdoing, the put downs. I can’t tell you how hard that was for me to swallow. What AM I supposed to do then?
Here is what Vicki suggested:
- Notice your children’s strengths and ignore the rest.
- If you want kids who are nice to each other and who like each other, hold your weekly Family Meetings and teach your children how to give and receive appreciations.
Two seemingly simple ideas. So, I started ignoring any fighting, teasing, outdoing, put downing and started having Family Meetings once a week that included Appreciations.
Fast forward to now and lo and behold, after 9 years of Family Meetings, I live with 4 children ages, 14, 12, 8 and 5 who are all best of friends. I experience sibling relationships that feed my soul and restore my faith in what is possible.
Here is the interaction that inspired me to send this story to Vicki.
Peter and Sheila were up, later than I was, studying for mid-term exams. I heard a big rustle from Peter’s room and Sheila says from hers, “Peter, what are you doing?”
He replies gently, “Just going downstairs to get something to eat before bed.”
“Oh”, she says.
“Good night” he says.
“Good night, I love you” she says.
“I love you too, Sheila”, he says.
This is what is possible between a brother and sister smack dab in the middle of adolescence, when you practice Family Meetings each week and take the time to teach your kids how to notice each other’s strengths and give them practice telling each other how much they appreciate one and another.
Bliss, Peace, and Family Meetings! If you do one thing from this program, do appreciations at Family Meeting. The pay-off is priceless.
For more information on the Parenting On Track™ program, visit www.parentingontrack.com/program/details
Posted in Invest In The Best