Invest In The Best
Ok, wait! Before that thought goes anywhere it shouldn’t, I’m going to get you thinking about what ONE roll of duct tape can do for your parenting experience.
First, let’s take a second to think about you and your kids. I (probably) don’t know your children, but you do so go ahead, think about them in action. Now think about you in action as a parent. What seems to go smoothly (bedtime routine?) and what seems to fall apart every single time (morning routine?). Now, think about your favorite parenting strategy. Do you have one? I bet you do but you might not even know it. You might think, well, I don’t use anything consistently – but remember yelling, nagging, reminding, lecturing, and so on (and all those reactive habits) are strategies. Now, here’s where the duct tape is handy.
Imagine (and some of you have actually done this. I have.) taking a piece of duct tape and putting it right over your mouth. What would happen? You physically would not be able to remind them what to be doing, thinking, or saying all day long. Now sit in a chair. Imagine you’re duct taped there – guess what? You cannot run into the living room with every little spat. You can’t carry every backpack, or bring shoes for kids who left them at home. You can’t clean the entire house. In fact, all you can do is learn to sit there and accept what’s happening around you.
This, my friends, is the best gift you can give yourself, and it’s the gift that you can give your children. For 2012, I challenge you to learn to “duct tape” yourself out of all the nonsense that goes along with raising children. With this one gift of duct tape, you can give them the golden experience of independence, problem solving, failure, forgetting, learning, asking, remembering, discovering, unfolding, realizing, trying something new and creating a life that is their own. In one year, imagine the difference.
So parents, get out the roll of duct tape and have a Joyous Holiday and start thinking about next year right now!
Posted in Invest In The Best
It’s the Holiday Season and people are running around frantically (and excitedly), checking tasks off the list and letting all the schedules slide. There’s an element of seasonal joy that comes with throwing it all to the wind, but come January 2nd, parents admit it’s harder to get back on track once they’ve let everyone fall off the wagon. I’m talking bed times, routines, video game limits, reading schedules, and all of that. It’s certainly not the end of the world to just let it go but there’s value in keeping a few of the non negotiables in tact, no matter what.
One of the most helpful tools in bringing everyone together, the Family Meeting, might be considered the first “structured” event to go. Parents think it may be inconvenient, as the family is traveling and staying up late wrapping presents – there is a sense that there’s just not enough time. Here’s where I’m suggesting you make time. Make time for your family meeting – if people are spread out, get on the phone, skype and have a chat. If you’re busy on the regularly scheduled night, make a lunch date the next – whatever you do, don’t skip the chance to stay connected in what can be the most frazzled, fried and checked-out couple of weeks all year long! (Those appreciations are like the big bow on the Holiday Season – and they cost nothing).
Family Meetings help keep kids’ feet on the ground by remembering each other’s feelings and presence within the family. Family Meetings also help keep the “out of control” stresses in check – kids are using their money to purchase gifts and materials to make gifts or make donations and you’ll have help keeping up with household contributions! Plus, a little problem solving during the madness can be a very good thing – the kids can come together and make decisions on real family issues (like what to do over vacation, who sits where on the ride to Grandma’s, how they prefer to stay relaxed when it gets nutty vs. you (mom or dad) micromanaging and peeling your kids out of the situations as they arise!)
If you aren’t familiar with Family Meetings, then check out our free podcast and find out first hand what an amazing source of bonding and relationship building they can provide. We welcome you to join the thousands of parents who use them to stay connected and keep the family relationship in a good, solid place. We offer plenty of blogs on the topic in our archives. In fact, if you do use family meetings and know a family who might “appreciate” them in their house, then feel free to share this post or the podcast link.
Enjoy!
Posted in Invest In The Best
Thank you to Jamaica Jenkins for sending us this blog to post.
While on a walk, I was prompted into an “ah-ha” moment by this sign. As parents, we would never imagine lacing our kids up into a pair of shiny new skates and sending them out on a half frozen pond. It would be considered irresponsible, negligent and most obviously, dangerous. Then it occured to me – all too often, we send our kids out into the world not knowing if they will fall through the ice or make it across to the other side of the pond. We’re not really sure they’ll know how to get a job, pay their bills or understand how to take care of their most basic needs. We “think” it’ll be ok, but in all honesty, we’re just not sure. It sounds crazy when we put it that way. Why wouldn’t we make sure they know how to do the things the real world expects from them?
One reason is it’s easier, cleaner, neater and more timeline friendly to just do most everything ourselves. That is one huge contributor to autopilot parenting – we just aim to keep the house moving along without really knowing if the kids are picking up skills along the way.
Another reason is that we don’t know how to prepare them! We think they’ve learned a lesson but then again, we’re not sure if our “techniques” strategies and tactics are even sinking in. Seriously, do we know if our kids will get out of a jam, if we’ve only lectured them on how to avoid them, punished them because they got into one or saved them from heading right towards one. A real jam. With real consequences. We just don’t know until we set them loose outside of our homes and we wait to see what happens. Will they know how to communicate with professors or will they have us parents calling in to request a class schedule change? Will they rack up a credit card and start off with 10k in debt because they can’t budget? Will they understand how to get insurance? Take a risk? Stand up for themselves? All without us jumping in? These are questions that will answer themselves at one point or another.
The question is, would you rather know they can handle it or simply leave it up to chance? If you’re interested in testing the strength of their skills before they head off into the world, then you have to be ready to start training them now, when they’re 2, 5, 7, 10 – whatever age they are in this moment. That pond is waiting for them at 18. Let’s make sure they can make it across (falling down onto the ice is one thing, falling through is another).
Posted in Invest In The Best
Thanks to a Parenting On Track Mom, for sharing her story with us!
We recently moved. My adolescent son was holding a lot of anger and it was coming out at his family, which made us all feel like we were being held hostage by him. He spent everyday stirring up fights with his family and he didn’t care where he directed his anger. Any one of us would do. He was itching to provoke an argument, tease a sibling or disrupt the family mojo. His behavior caused each of us to get upset, cry, tattle, yell, ignore him individually or as a family or send him to his room as a last resort. After every episode, everyone was drained, regretful, exhausted and worse for the wear. If this kid was in the room, he was controlling it.
Stumped and frustrated, I asked Vicki “He’s on a rampage, what is the deal?”
Here are her thoughts and my “aha’s”. I hope other parents can benefit from the candid conversation I had with Vicki.
“You already know that he’s coming into the family and controlling all of you with his outbursts. So it stands to reason, he must be feeling out of control in other areas of his life.”
Ding. Ding. Ding. The light bulb went on. How did I miss it? The decision to move was made FOR him. What school to attend – made FOR him. No friends, no connections, nothing familiar. After our conversation, it became clear, he was trying to gain control of his life by controlling the mood of the family. And here we were, giving him the stage. Done.
The first thing I felt was empathy. No more frustration, anger, confusion only clarity and an open, loving heart. Time to help this kiddo out.
So now what? (Duh, I think now!) Give him more to control in his own life. He already gets himself up and out the door, does his laundry, feeds the pets and regulates most of his time. He’s beyond that. Here, at 12, he’s bored and he’s making mischief. He needs more to do. And by “do” I don’t mean a laundry list of extra-curricular activities. I mean a job. A real job. Community service. Volunteering. Anything that will draw him out into the real world and give him a new channel to control his life.
So, kiddo, what would you like to do? The choice is yours.
Posted in Invest In The Best
The other day I was chatting with a few moms – okay, I was listening while they were chatting – and they started to discuss how at times they found themselves “disciplining (correcting, reminding, nudging, nagging, lecturing) their kids for doing things that were just – well – annoying and probably didn’t really fit into the category of discipline problems. HMMM. Interesting. I kept listening.
One of the moms said she felt as if sometimes she hit the “automatic parenting button” without really thinking about what she was saying or what she was doing. This not only concerned her, it made her wonder, really wonder, how many times she hit the “auto” switch and how that might be effecting the kids and more importantly, her relationship with her kids.
I am loving this. I shouldn’t be, but I am. This mom is on it. Now, if she can just keep challenging herself and get to the big “aha” moment, we are in business.
Another mom chimed in, inspired by the insight and courage the first mom showed and proclaimed with the kind of clarity that gives me goosebumps “ya know – sometimes I jump in when I start thinking about everything that needs to be done. Like, the trash needs to go out NOW, and I have to get to work NOW, and they have to go to bed NOW. And I justify some stupid parenting strategy, that doesn’t even work, just so I can have something happen NOW.”
A big pause from all the moms. I could feel the intensity. I knew they were really sinking into something big.
Today is a good time to stop and think: will all that micromanagement train the child to eventually take out the trash on his own? Will that same kid ever get up and out the door on his own? Will the two rumbling brothers ever find a better way to solve the discord? Perhaps, but not before you’re wiped out from sheer exhaustion and you’ve checked out of the relationship (it’s hard work getting them to “do” all the things they should and have to “do” isn’t it?).
As parents, it’s important to regularly step outside ourselves and peer down over the railing from the stairwell and watch and ask: is this scene that plays out everyday doing any good? Does anything ever change. Do they ever wake up and say, gee, I really learned from that lecture or gee, mom’s going to yell at me to put my shoes on so I’ll get it done ahead of time? Of course not! They do the same thing, and we respond out of habit and the cycle continues.
This is why we have to climb up and observe from the perch — and spy down on our actions within our families. Yes, we’ll also see we look like dingdongs when we are driving our kids’ lives (set on comfy cruise control) to simply get through the NOW.
So when you see this happen, ask yourself , “What about later?” And figure out what YOU CAN DO NOW, that will support your kids for later.
Posted in Invest In The Best
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“Consider the following. We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others’ actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others’ activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others. “
-H.H. the Dalai Lama
If we want our children to be happy, we must pay as much attention to their emotional well-being as we do to their attendance at school, sports schedules and physical ailments. We wouldn’t shuttle them along if they were barfing in the backseat and say, ok, well, hurry up, you have a game at 5. These little people we bring into the world are active participants in this world — and let’s face it, the world is a messed up place sometimes. If we’re not taking the time to check in and care about how they’re feeling, then we’re missing out on an opportunity to bring simple happiness to our children’s lives (but we sure check in to see if they cleaned their room or did their homework, right?)
It seems to be a stressful time for families – divorces, moves, death, job losses, technology, new rules and routines everywhere. Let’s check in with the kids- let’s ask how they feel. And if they’re pissed, scared, sad, confused, let’s let them own it. Because when they trust you’re in the relationship – REALLY actively concerned, they can find a sense of peace, love, and happiness, no matter how crazy this wacky ass world seems to be right now.
So, if you’re not sure sure where to start. Stop what you’re doing. Drop the smartphone and Hold your kid…even if (s)he’s getting taller than you and calls you stupid.
Posted in Invest In The Best
The transition between summer and school is almost complete.
The rhythms and routines that help define an organized, pleasant and stress free morning are nearly in place.
The afternoon drive to and from practice with the appropriate snacks and gear is feeling less rushed and frenzied.
Papers from school find their way from the backpack to the kitchen counter and homework is becoming a nightly ritual that will last through the year.
Bedtimes are being sorted out and kids are climbing under cool covers with heavy eyes and happy hearts.
For those of you who haven’t yet arrived at this seeming paradise, perhaps the video below (click on the link) will help bring a smile to your face until you do, finally, exit the summer to school transitional hell.
Posted in Invest In The Best
Here it is again. Another article trying hard to educate parents on the dangers of praise and rewards.
I pulled out one of my all time favorite books today The Art of Encouragement; Human Relations Training and skimmed through several chapters. Now, of course, I have to go back and read the whole damn book. It is just so good.
Here are just a few snippets I pulled out that focus on Encouragement which of course, is the remedy for a culture addicted to praise and rewards.
- Encouragement focuses on strengths.
- Encouragement is believing in ourselves.
- Encouragement conveys faith in a person no matter how well or poorly things go.
- Encouragement focuses on effort or improvement while praise focuses on outcome.
- Encouragement challenges us to develop our potential while praise threatens us to do what is expected.
- Encouragement can be given anytime.
- Encouragement frees us to be our unique selves. Praise obligates us to obey authority.
Encouragement is an art form. It is subtle and powerful. It can be present at all times and can influence the direction of any situation, as soon as, it is activated.
I know how hungry parents are for ways to show their love, support, confidence and faith in their kids. And I know, with as much information readily available, that breaking the addiction to praise and rewards is still a daily challenge.
If you haven’t already committed to creating an encouraging atmosphere in which to raise your kids, take a few minutes and examine the decision you are making about praise and rewards in your child’s life.
If you find that you are ready for more ways to introduce encouragement into your family, let me know and I will write more about it. Learn more about the Parenting On Track program.
Posted in Invest In The Best
Every day I am inspired by nuggets of wisdom from Vicki Hoefle, Creator of the Parenting On Track™ program.
Yesterday it was. “If you want your children to have faith in their abilities, first you, the parent, must believe in their abilities.” I have heard this 100s of times and yesterday I experienced its power.
Here is how it played out.
My husband was away on business and I offered to drive the older kids (13 & 15) to town before school, so they could meet some friends for breakfast. I would come back home and make another trip to drop off the younger ones (9 & 6) at the elementary school.
The morning was humming along – kids in the shower, getting ready…5 minutes before I am scheduled to leave, I announce to the two youngest, that I will be leaving with the two oldest and back in time to drive them to school.
The 9 year old – starts to pitch a fit – I mean pitch one. I had a moment where I thought “I have to tape this, because nobody will believe this is happening – I don’t believe this is happening.” She is screaming, “I can’t do it, I NEED your help.” Now mind you – I have been teaching this child the skills necessary to get out of the house on time, prepared for school in the morning since she was 2 and she has been practicing for the past 3 years, solo. I really have not “helped” this child for the past 3 years, in any aspect of her morning routine.
I personally have practiced the skills of disengagement, as she has on occasion attempted to draw me in with her “cheap” drama. She is an amazing dramatic actress. Now for those of you who don’t believe that these types of fits are cheap drama, and that this poor child needed her mother to tend to her…..read on.
I stick to my word, as we are a family that practices following through. And I tell my daughter that I have faith in her abilities and that I have no reason to believe she can not handle preparing herself for the morning. I attempt to kiss this child who really looks like she is in the middle of an exorcism – and am forced to retreat in order to avoid a kick to the belly. She is invested – full body invested.
I kiss my other child who is sitting on the big overstuffed chair by our woodstove, looking very cozy I might add and watching her older sister intently.
I lock the door behind me and head out.
As I am driving back into our driveway some 25 minutes later and about 45 seconds from the door, I call from my cell phone.
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“Hello.”
“Hey babe, it’s Mom.”
“Hi Mommy, we are having a snack of hot chocolate, grapes, cheese and pretzels.”
“Excellent, what else do you have to do to be ready for school?”
“Oh nothing, just clean up our snack, put on our boots and our coats.”
“Ok, do you think you can do that in 30 seconds?”
“Yep.”
“Ok, I’ll meet you outside of the mudroom door.”
“Ok” she says. “Do you have the key?” she asks.
“Why yes, yes I do.”
“Ok good, because I will make sure the door is locked and don’t want you to be locked out when you get home.”
“Thanks, I’ll see you soon”
I am so grateful for these girls. I appreciate how resilient, clever, tenacious, and capable they are. As powerful as this moment was for us, it’s entirely possible that 4 days from now, when we come together for our regularly scheduled Family Meeting, I will have no memory of it and I will forget to appreciate these amazing daughters of mine. So, I will take the necessary steps to imprint this memory in my being and remember it for Saturday.
In May of this year, I will have access to an amazing iphone app developed by Anna Rosenblum Palmer of winwinapps inspired by Parenting On Track™. This app will be called Marble Jar and will have a Bright Spot feature that will enable me to record this moment on my phone and easily access it tomorrow or 4 days from now at our Family Meeting. Imagine being able to stop & record the remarkably wonderful things our children do, rather than always trying to figure out how to fix the mistakes they make? Priceless and soon to be available at your fingertips.
Yowza!! I have practiced for the past 10 years showing faith in my kids and trusting in their abilities along with taking the time to train and support them and it is paying off in spades. I am so grateful that I was able to let go of & look past the screaming, the kicking, and the near miss to my abdomen and walk away.
I was reminded AGAIN, of how capable my kids are at getting themselves ready in the am and of their attempts, to at times, convince me otherwise when they are feeling discouraged. I am also reminded that the best thing you can do for capable kids – is step aside (get out of the way) and watch them soar!
Posted in Invest In The Best
A student walks into my classroom, shoulders rounded, head down, gazing blankly at his feet. Kids rush by, pushing him off balance. I watch for a moment, then ask myself, “What assets is this child bringing today that will help with his transition from home to school?” The obvious answer is “courage’-he has mustered up the courage to walk into this unfamiliar and awkward social setting.
As a teacher, the most important thing for me to remember is that school is indeed a social setting – a social setting (just like a family) that demands answers to the questions “How do I know I belong here? How do I know I have a place in this group?” There are powerful actions we can take as teachers to support all students, discouraged or not, who are looking for answers to these questions:
- Observe your students’ strengths. Spend at least two weeks observing each of your students and the strengths they bring into the classroom.
- Give every student a job that draws out that strength-for example, getting the teacher’s mail, signaling the class’s attention, filling homework folders.
- Convey the importance of their contribution to the daily function of the classroom-quietly!
As one of my mentors told me years ago, “The real job of a teacher is to do more than teach academics. It is to develop citizens of the world. That takes time. But what else have you got to do that is more interesting than that?”
I couldn’t agree more. Teachers (and parents), say hello to the next generation of leaders.
Posted in Invest In The Best