Discovery
I’m a junky when it comes to compelling video of individuals who are smarter, sassier, more inquisitive and more insightful than I am. Here is an example of another one of those videos – provided by our friends at TED staring Dr. Clifford Stoll, who looks like your typical “crazy professor”, until he delivers a short, but compelling message that hit home in a big way.
This is the passage that stuck with me.
“I am supposed to talk about the future. And my feeling is, asking me to talk about the future is – bizarre. It’s silly for me to talk about the future.
I think that if you really want to know what the future is going to be like – you don’t ask a technologist, scientist, physicist. No! Don’t ask someone who is writing code. No! If you want to know what society is going to be like in 20 years, ask a Kindergarten teacher. They know. In fact don’t ask just any Kindergarten teacher ask an experienced one. They are the ones who know what society is going to be like in another generation. I don’t. Nor I suspect do other people who are talking about what the future will bring. Certainly all of us can imagine all the cool new “things”. But to me things are not the future.
What I ask myself is – what is society going to be like…… when kids today are phenomenally good at texting and … screen time, but have never gone bowling together. Change is happening.” –Dr. Clifford Stoll
It is important to me that I make a difference in the world, in whatever way that I can. And hearing what Dr. Stoll said lit a fire in me.
I believe this is why Parenting On Track™ is so important at this time in our history. And I truly believe that raising thinking children who have strong relationship skills is the very thing that will change our world for the better.
This is why, parents must educate themselves on how to ENHANCE the relationship with their children while PREPARING them for an unknown future. This is why we must ACKNOWLEDGE our children’s demands to remain connected to us, their parents, and ENCOURAGE them to become a powerful force in the family dynamic. We must find the COURAGE, as parents, to raise our thinking children to voice their opinions, contribute to family policies, to help solve family challenges. We must make the time and find the energy to engage in robust conversation on topics ranging from playground fights, teacher favorites, peer pressure, politics, intimacy, substance abuse, domestic violence, financial responsibility, and more. We must talk about the things that make us nervous and unsure, if we are to have any chance at preparing our kids for a rapidly changing, interconnected world, that seems to be moving faster and faster each year.
In a world that will provide more and more ways for kids to “technologically connect to vast amounts of information”, we must provide them with, at the very least, 18 years to hone their relationship skills through communication opportunities.
Dr. Stoll suggests that a generation of children, more tech savvy, then relationship savvy, could be problematic. And I couldn’t agree more.
So, if you are a parent who has a child
- Who has “unplugged” from the family
- Who still demands that you take care of their “stuff” because they see you as more maid than mom
- Who hasn’t connected the dots that helping out around the house is what they will be doing from 18 to 80 (unless they can afford a full time housekeeper)
- Who struggle to communicate in ways other than demands, whines, sass or contempt
- Who can’t manage their screen time, phone time, chat time without a thousand reminders from you
- Who has decided that school “sucks”, or church is “stupid”, or family gatherings are “lame”
Let me assure you, that you are NOT faced with a discipline problem. You are faced with a RELATIONSHIP problem. And this relationship problem you have with your child is not just yours – its society’s.
Parents it’s time we educate ourselves about what we can do today, to better prepare our kids for the challenges that await them in the 21st century. And although we have no idea ourselves, what technology will make possible, we can guess, with some accuracy, that what will NOT change, is that life is about the relationships we have with our self and with others.
Take a moment, take a day, or take a week, and ask yourself what you are doing to prepare your children for their future.
Posted in Discovery
Imagine a playpen.
Now imagine that playpen is a metaphor for a set of boundaries that you believe, when in place, will allow your children the freedom to explore their environment as well as keep them safe.
Now, imagine that you set your two year old in this playpen and initially he/she is not too happy about it.
- She thinks she can handle more than you think she can handle.
- He thinks he can eat 10 Oreos not just 1.
- She think she can do without a nap – yet you know better.
- He thinks it’s okay to crawl up on the counter, but you know the stove is hot.
Even though there is push back, you are confident and the boundaries are clear to both you and your child. They are set. You aren’t changing them. They are age appropriate, they allow the child enough freedom to explore and still keep him safe physically, emotionally and intellectually and at the same time offer you some peace-of-mind. Your child can handle his surroundings but he hasn’t mastered them yet. He needs practice and this is where he will practice until he has achieved mastery.
Within a day or two, your child figures out you are serious about the boundaries and instead of fighting to push the boundaries, he settles into the environment and begins to really explore it. He becomes stronger, more capable. Because his world is organized and orderly and his parents are firm and kind and consistent, the child can relax and enjoy the best parts of childhood – exploration.
Eventually, your child masters this new landscape, and then, one day, maybe a week or a month or three months from now, your child begins to push against those boundaries again. That is your cue that your child has mastered his environment and is ready to move into a metaphorically bigger “playpen.”
And so you create a new, updated set of boundaries that are in line with your child’s abilities and you plop them down in their new bigger “playpen.”
And again, the child bucks at these restrictions, settles down, explores, learns, masters and then is ready for the next set of challenges.
I know it might sound very simplistic, but this simple metaphor helped me create 100 or more playpens for each of my five kids. And each one of those kids was different which meant that the boundaries were different. Without this system, I shudder to think of the chaos we would all have been living in.
If you are searching for a way to determine what boundaries to set and then how to set them, use this metaphor or create your own. It doesn’t really matter. What does matter is your ability to create a set of boundaries that supports your child and his/her rate of growth and offers you the confidence to enforce these boundaries until the child has mastered the skills.
Posted in Discovery
My 17 year old son Brady, the youngest of my kids, is leaving for Nepal in 6 days for a 3 month trek. All of his friends will be finishing up their last semester of High School, preparing for graduation and anxiously awaiting their acceptance letters from colleges they have applied too. Brady had something else in mind for his final year of high school.
After years of debating Brady about the merits of traditional education, the legitimacy of homework (although frankly, we don’t believe in homework) I finally opened my heart, my mind and practiced a bit of the Radical Faith I am always talking about, and said “yes” to Brady’s request to “drop out of school and drop into his life” (thank you Frankie for putting this so eloquently when you heard Brady had taken a different path).
Brady informed his guidance counselor that he would be leaving school at the end of the semester. He took the GED and the SAT’s and tested high on both. He is in good shape should he decide to pursue a traditional college education. Fat chance.
Since he dropped into his life and out of school, he seems happier than I have ever seen him. He is more interested and connected to his family and friends. He is more engaged in life and his natural curious nature has returned. What’s best though is that he is completely tapped into his own natural rhythm of learning. His appetite is ferocious. He is reading everything he can about Nepal, Katmandu, Buddhism, and the difference between being a tourist and a traveler. He is alive.
This is how I remember Brady as a small child in the field outside our home in Ludlow, where he would roam for hours, his head barely above the bramble, curious and interested in all that life had to offer him. He was reading by the time he was 3 and his verbal skills were off the charts. We had high hopes that school would hone his natural skills and provide new challenges and a stimulating experience. We were wrong.
School, over time, shut the door to his natural inclination to discover, to learn, to make sense of his surroundings and how to apply new information to his world. Over time, he lost interest. Over time he shut down.
It’s back now, the magic that made Brady – Brady.
The program he is enrolled in has a “Yak” board, where we parents can learn about the instructors and the other 12 kids embarking on this journey. One of the instructors, a Middlebury College Graduate, included a video that she said, explained exactly what this experience is meant to do.
I invite you to sit back, open your mind, and enjoy the 17 minute presentation that is sure to either support, challenge or inspire questions about our educational system and where your child fits into the mix.
Bring Peace and Harmony into your home.
There are basically three major reasons kids fight, either with each other or with their parents:
1. Kids fight because parents focus on GETTING kids to get along with each other.
Are you, as a parent, doing any of the following?
- Telling the kids to be NICE to each other
- Telling the kids how important it is to treat each other with respect.
- Saying things like “we are a family that treats each other with kindness and understanding.”
- Saying things like – “You are so lucky to have a brother or sister and you should show each other that every day.” And they look at you like – What are you talking about – I didn’t ask for a sibling – that was your idea.
Listen, if talking to our kids about being nice worked, the world would be full of siblings who strolled down the sidewalk hand in hand. But the truth is, this tactic is wasted on children who could care less about the intrinsic value of being nice to each other.
2. Kids fight for their parents. Oh yes they do. And as parents, we already know this somewhere down deep. Think about it – how often have you left the room when the kids were fighting and they were kind enough to bring the fight to you? Exactly. They fight for YOU. For US.
And as they follow you around the house, the fighting escalates, and our idea of a fabulous parenting strategy is to start talking to them about STOPPING. And because they generally ignore us, we start to get frustrated and then angry and then downright ticked off at them and before long, our voices have escalated into a scream that sounds just like their fighting.
And the message we send to the kids is this –
“I will give you my undivided attention when you fight. I will stop what I am doing, starting yelling at you to stop and even allow my emotions to get the best of me.”
What kid WOULDN’T fight just for the chance to experience a moment of complete control over their parents??
3. The number one reason kids fight is because parents are doing for their kids what their kids could do for themselves.
And NOTHING breads fighting like kids who are:
- Bored because they are waited on.
- Discouraged because they are treated as if they are incompetent and unable to manage their own lives.
Kids fight. While this is a natural part of life, you can create a balance between natural sibling conflict and siblings who not only get along, but actually enjoy each others’ company.
Here is a simple tip for breaking the cycle of fighting in your home and creating a little more peace, harmony and enjoyment from all:
If YOU are still trying to GET your children to get along, the solution is simple : STOP.
Because kids fight for their parents, the solution is to just watch what happens when you act like you don’t notice and walk out of the room or you found something more interesting to pay attention to.
If you are doing things for your children that they could do for themselves, the solution is to: Invite, Train, Encourage and Support your children as they begin to engage in navigating the hills and valleys of their own lives.
By inviting, training, encouraging and supporting your children, you will begin to notice that EVERYONE is in a new relationship with each other and that no one seems all that interested in fighting with anyone else.
Posted in Discovery
Mental Muscle — that is, and by the way, how’s yours? Feeling a little flabby? Looking for ways to beef it up? Here are the top 10 ways, parenting expert, Vicki Hoefle suggests working out your mental muscle, so when your kids need you – you are strong enough to parent from your best.
1. Stop worrying about how your children express themselves in terms of their personal style (this includes their wardrobe, accessories, hair and makeup). Learn to notice character traits that define your child as a unique human being.
2. Ignore strangers in the grocery store who give you the hairy eye-ball when your child throws a temper tantrum. Learn to wait quietly as your child finds his/her own solution for dealing with disappointment or frustration (or just being too tired to shop).
3. Don’t interfere if your child decides to go to school in jammies, wear sandals in the snow, or watch tv instead of doing homework. Nature is the best teacher. Celebrate your child’s courage to make a choice and listen as he/she shares the experience without judgment or criticism.
4. Ignore mistakes, big and small, and remember that mistakes are opportunities to learn.
5. Resist the urge to say “I told you so”, “What were you thinking?” , and “If you had listened to me in the first place, you could have avoided the whole mess.” Imagine yourself in your child’s shoes and then respond accordingly.
6. Leave the mess. When your child is 35 how do you want her to remember you? As the best damn, nagging housekeeper in the neighborhood or as her ally, champion and teacher?
7. Never ever, ever, ever, ask your neighbor how she parents. You wouldn’t take your car to an accountant for an oil change would you? Consider yourself the expert in your child’s life.
8. When you don’t know what to do – do nothing.
9. Challenge every belief you have about what “good” parents do and don’t do and replace it with accurate, factual information that will help you parent from your best.
10. Don’t make the mistake of believing that your children ARE their mischief making. Mischief making is your clue that you are living with a discouraged child. The only solution is to encourage and encourage again.
At Parenting On Track™we are constantly supporting parents to help their kids develop mental muscle. We all know it can take a lot of mental muscle to thrive as an adult. Remember you cannot give to your kids, what you do not have yourself. So work this week, this month, this year on building up and staying strong, so you can parent from your best!
Posted in Discovery
Many parents sit around at library story hour or play group and discuss the hopes and dreams they have for their children. They talk about how they want their children to have a sense of self, self-esteem, and the courage to stand up for themselves in the face of peer pressure. Parents talk about raising children who have the courage to make choices and learn from their choices.
When it comes down to it, I wonder if these parents have the courage to let their kids actually make a choice when they are young. Or is this something that just magically develops at the age of 12?
At Parenting On Track™ we say, “You can do it now, or you can do it later, but you will do it.” Why not invite your kids into the process at an early age and let them practice making choices – and keep your comments to yourself?
- “That wasn’t a very good choice.”
“I like the choice you made.”
“Can you think of another more appropriate choice?”
Every time I hear a choice, sidelined by a well-meaning parent who still believes that there is such a thing as a good choice or a bad choice, the hair on the back of my neck is raised.
From my vantage point, choices do one of two things:
- Move you closer to what you want
- or farther away from it.
Choices are made every day, all day and we rarely take notice of them until someone makes a choice that inconveniences us in some way.
Parents are less interested in teaching kids the skill of making choices and more interested in making sure that the choice the child made is the choice the parents wanted him/her to make.
Quite frankly, simply making a choice shows a modicum of courage. The harder the choice, the more courage is needed to make it. If we expect young adults to be able to muster up enough courage to make the “hard choices”, we have to give them loads and loads (and loads) of practice.
I could go on, but I won’t – for now.
Here is an interesting article that sums up what many parents are beginning to contemplate these days and personally, I am thrilled that this conversation is finally taking on a serious and robust tone.
Allowing Children of all Ages to Choose, by Lisa Belkin.
Enjoy!
Posted in Discovery
The conversation I have most often with parents, is around the idea of courage.
I talk about “having the courage to …” when it comes to parenting.
I talk about ways that we can help our children develop courage.
I talk about how much courage it takes just to get out of bed in the morning, let alone apologize to someone we have hurt.
I talk about how important it is that our kids leave home at 18 with “bags full of courage” in order to participate in an exciting and challenging world beyond our threshold.
My dear friend Catha, in her latest blog post, drives home the power of living an “Intentionally Courageous” life and the impact it has on the children she is raising.
Today, I invite you to look at your life as an adult and to see how often you find the courage to do what needs to be done and how often you take a safer route.
When you are finished assessing your own state of courage, I invite you to look with fresh eyes on your children and their willingness to develop courage in the face of all that life throws their way.
Today, I will find the courage to right a wrong that I could have righted weeks ago and didn’t. Thank you Catha for once again, inspiring me to be more, risk more, & love more.
Posted in Discovery
Adlerian Parent Education aims to give children the skills to meet life challenges in a constructive, positive way and the courage to circumvent the many pitfalls and dangers that confront children in society. It supports parents by providing them with tools to ease and handle the stress of being a parent, and to raise children with courage and compassion.
This is why I am a parent educator and why I believe that raising children in democratic families is the solution to not only the bullying crisis we currently face, but of arming the next generation of leaders capable of making the tough decisions, who will fight for what is right, will demand justice for those who can not fight, and will demonstrate the power of treating one’s self and others with dignity and respect.
The bottom line is this — children who feel good about themselves, who know that they belong and are important to their family do not feel threatened and do not need to control. Instead they look to create environments in which everyone feels good about themselves and knows there is a place in the group just for them.
It is my experience, that no child who feels good about themselves enjoys watching their peers struggle or get in trouble. This is a true sign that there is hope. This is a true sign that the cycle of bullying can indeed be broken when the number of children who feel good about themselves outnumber the children who doubt their importance and value.
I believe that if parents commit to better understanding the democratic style of parenting and the power it has to create and sustain respectful, cooperative, relationships, those parents will do whatever is necessary to implement the concepts and strategies available to them today.
I believe that if we are to truly impact the world in positive ways, we must take the cycle of bullying seriously and to do whatever is necessary to take responsibility for the way we raise our children who will either play the role of the bully, bullied, bystander or who will as Barbara Coloroso states in her book, The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander, “understand what to do, how to do it and have the Willingness to do it.”
This very short description of Democratic Parenting comes from Henry Stein’s work
Image:
The child is seen as equal, integrated part of the family, cooperative, and doing his share. He is loved and accepted. The child is offered reasonable progressive challenges and permitted to develop at his own pace.
Parent’s Attitude:
Accepts child’s uniqueness. Provides love, respect, and feeling of equality. Encourages child to correct mistakes and develop capacities. Guides child to find significant in contribution.
Child’s Response:
Feels security and love and acceptance. Experiences own strength by conquering difficulties. Finds satisfaction in achievement and contribution. Not afraid to try and fail. Sees world as safe and friendly.
Before we conclude our series and I offer some specific ways you can begin to create a culture of dignity and respect, I invite you — no, I challenge you to take inventory over the next week and to evaluate your parenting style.
I challenge you to listen to yourself when you speak to your children, to watch your attitude and how it affects the relationship you have with your kids, to acknowledge the areas where change is needed and to get ready to commit to parenting in a way that supports the raising of healthy, strong and compassionate children.
Posted in Discovery
The Permissive Style of parenting also contributes to the bullying cycle. A lack of structure in the day-to-day life of the family, unclear boundaries and expectations, a lack of consistency and follow-through along with a tendency to “save” children from the frustrations and challenges of life, create an environment that is often times chaotic, frightening, unstable and is full of mixed messages.
When children are confused by the words, behavior and action of their parents, when inconsistency is the norm, it becomes increasingly more difficult for children to make sense of the world beyond their front door. Reading cues from school mates, keeping themselves safe, voicing their opinions, needs and desires, is impaired and kids become part of the bullying cycle.
When follow-through is missing in a child’s life at home, it seems reasonable to them, that a bully just might get away with his behavior on the playground. These kids often end up being bullied, but they can also try to avoid the bully by hiding out OR to volunteer another likely candidate for the role of the bullied in order to stay safe on the schoolyard.
Often spoiled in the permissive household, children learn to avoid responsibility, to blame others and to look for the easy way out. Not surprising, these kids make up each of the central characters Barbara identifies in her book, The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander.
These kids can find themselves watching as the bullying cycle takes place before their eyes and feel powerless to do anything about it. But they can also decide to taunt the bully and later claim “I didn’t do anything” and finally, they take up the roll of bullying because they are experts at avoiding responsibility and diverting blame to others.
In other cases, children raised in permissive households become the tyrant in the house that everyone works to appease and this same attitude is brought to the schoolyard. A belief that the rules don’t apply to them, that they are entitled to whatever they want and will gladly take what they deem “theirs” along with an eerie disconnection from how their behavior impacts others.
No matter how you slice it, a Permissive Style of parenting isn’t helping our children develop the skills they need in order to know as Barbara Coloroso states in her book, What to do, How to do it and the Willingness to do it when it comes to breaking the bullying cycle of violence.
This week, take some time and determine if you are a permissive parent. If you are, don’t waste your time beating yourself up over it. Instead, take this next week to challenge some of the assumptions you have made about parenting. Notice how your choices and actions are influencing your kids.
Next week we will talk about the Democratic Style of parenting and how to create a truly Democratic household.
Posted in Discovery
Ok, so we know it is far past graduation season, however the awareness this mom gained during a recent preschool graduation event is — timeless.
This post is re-printed with permission of the author, who has the uncanny ability to move me to tears, with each post. If you want to read about dedication, commitment, progress, set-backs, and real-life with Parenting On Track™, read this blog.
Really? I thought as I sat down.
I had arrived early for Talula’s last day of school as we had been asked by the teachers thinking we were having a BBQ, not realizing there was going to be some kind of ceremony for a bunch of 3 year olds. I sat down beside my husband wanting to say “are you freaking kidding me? they are having a graduation ceremony for these little goof-balls?”. But I couldn’t, I was surrounded by other adoring parents who may have been a tad offended by my comment, so I kept my mouth shut and grinned and bared it. Thankfully, they didn’t come out wearing cap & gown (as my mother asked when I told her about the whole event); but I did come away having been grateful that I just witnessed the whole thing. Who knew?
The children all proceeded into the end of the gymnasium that they had blocked off for this event in pairs waving “flags” that they had made. And there was Talula waving that flag high and proud like it was the most important thing in the world to her. All the kids were in two’s – except Talula, she was marching to the beat of her own drum, not being unruly, just doing her own thing and lovin’ it. She was so utterly confident, so utterly at ease in front of a bunch of people, so utterly content with life. And then I thought “I need to nurture this, I can’t let this belief she has about the way she approaches life fade away”.
AND THEN I thought about where Talula and I would be if I hadn’t become so consumed by the concepts behind Parenting On Track™. We’d be fighting. All the time. I’m an authoritarian, there is absolutely nothing permissive about me. Talula is my power child and WHOO BOY would we be butting our heads together like a bunch of stubborn male rams in heat if I hadn’t been blessed with the knowledge that I have been given by Parenting On Track™. Seriously. Thor is my attention child, and probably would have fallen in line with my authoritarian ways but eventually would have come out the other side as an adult that didn’t have any respect for me. But Talula and I ~wow ~ our relationship, at her tender age of 3, would have already been explosive and ugly.
In the last few days I’ve started to have the realization that as an authoritarian, I have attached myself to the “discipline” (and I use that term for the lack of a better word – it’s not discipline in the normal sense) strategies of Parenting On Track™ fairly successfully. I give them the choices, I let them feel the consequences of their choices, I ask them what the responsibilities are that go with the privilege they are asking for, I say “yes, as soon as….”. All those, “you’re going to go with the flow of the family” or else (?) things. Not that there is an “or else”; but it’s suddenly how I’ve been feeling. And then I realized why. I have been using all these strategies for making our life smoother, but have not been giving enough attention to one crucial thing: our relationship with each other. I have been thinking, I think, that just parenting this way was enough to make that connection with my kids. I think I believed that just by not being the nag, not being the enforcer, not being loosy-goosy, not being the yeller etc etc was all I needed to do to build a solid relationship with my children. Not so. And it took a ridiculous pre-school graduation to let me see that.
So here is my goal for the summer: build the relationship stuff. Keeping going with all the other stuff, but focus on the love of my children.
Oh, and I have one more goal for the summer: teach Talula that in’s and out’s of why we wear underwear.
Posted in Discovery