Blog | Parenting On Track™

Duct Tape Dragnet: Parenting Articles Worth Reading

Kids and Money:

Okay, I love, love, love this story. 14 Year old Girl, Saves Money and Buys a House. Anyone who knows me, knows that I believe in giving kids money as soon as they are old enough to keep it out of their mouths and that in doing so, we help this next generation of adults develop a healthier relationship with money. If you have any doubts as to the industrious nature of children or their ability to think ahead, to save, and to plan, enjoy this article and rethink your own beliefs around finances and your kids.

And here is another, The Best Think I have Done for My Son, which explains, in no uncertain terms, why it’s a good thing to give your kids money, in this case, a debit card, and then turn them lose and see what they can do.

Kids and Freedom:
I liked this article, Child’s Play Isn’t Really for it’s timeliness (summer is upon us) and for the point of view shared by an older, wiser individuals who can draw on their own experience as a point of reference. Written by a retired psychologist and with the wisdom of having been raised with a more hands off approach (hmmmm) I think the writer asks a powerful question at the end of this post that encourages the reader to think about the issue and it’s many ramifications.

“ Let’s imagine — I don’t think it’s a wild notion — that child’s play is an apprenticeship for what adulthood will require. My generation, for good or ill, is now pretty much on the far side of that process. How will today’s kids fare … and with what rough beast of a future now slouching to be born?”

Work Is Worth!

Lenore from Free Range Kids has a great little post highlighting the recently released book ”Mean moms Rule – Why Doing the Hard Stuff Now Creates Good Kids Later.”

Not much we don’t already know about the value of work, but for those parents who still struggle to accept that inviting our kids to participate more fully in the daily activities that keep families, communities and the world at large moving, here is a bit more encouragement. I’ll be purchasing this book for my parenting library.

Dare, Dream, Do by Whitney Johnson

As a woman who followed her dream nearly 25 years ago, I know first-hand that the experience can be both a terrifying and exhilarating process all at the same time. I call it living in the “This AND That” of life.

I loved reading Whitney Johnson’s book Dare, Dream, Do, Remarkable Things Happen when You Dare to Dream, not only because it reminded me of my own journey, but is was also a wake-up call for me to continue dreaming. As a result, I took the first step and named a dream that has been percolating in my head for nearly a year now. I had forgotten the power of dreaming and daring to turn that dream into a reality.

As if that wasn’t reason enough to recommend this book to everyone walking the planet who wants to live an incredible rewarding and enriching life, as a mother, I appreciate Whitney’s book as a resource for my own children that will help them create and live a satisfying, magical and deeply meaningful life. Click here to see the book on Amazon.

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Is Discipline the new Punishment?

Monday night I was on WCAX for a hot second talking about Discipline, what it is, what it isn’t, how to use it with kids and when it crosses over the line into punishment. And here is what I realized – there is a very simple way to check yourself and ascertain whether you are indeed teaching discipline or punishing for a mistake made.

Here are my thoughts on the subject, just in case you suspect you just might be parenting in the realm of punishment.

1. Discipline is defined as systematic instruction given to train students in a craft or trade, or any other activity which they are supposed to perform. That means the true definition of discipline is a way for parents to teach children and prepare them for life on their own. The confusion comes in the execution of the training or teaching. Many parents feel discipline means punishment or an enforcement of order and control over the child. Many parents believe a child has to feel bad in order to learn a lesson. This is not discipline this is power over the child and punishment.

2. In order for the discipline strategy to be effective and respectful, it has to satisfy four criteria,

The “discipline” strategy has to work whether the kids are 2, 5, 7, 9, 15 or 25.
The “discipline” strategy has to teach kids self discipline self control, self evaluation, how to make skillful choices and how to take responsibility for those choices – not just to “obey” those in authority.
The “discipline” strategy can not jeopardize the child’s sense of dignity and self worth.
The “discipline” strategy can not fracture the relationship between parent and child.

These criteria rule out time-outs, counting, punishing, lecturing, taking away privileges, grounding and so on. These tactics rarely teach a lesson, if they did, parents would only have to use Time-Outs twice and the child would get it.

You want to teach your child to hold your hand while crossing the street – would you say to your 3 year old “Darling, I want to ensure you will hold my hand when we cross the parking lot, so I want you to go to timeout and think about this?” Of course not. A parent uses time-out to punish a child for making a mistake and running across the parking lot.
Or, how about this one – “Anna, I don’t want you to hit your little brother when he comes into your play space and knocks over your blocks, so I am going to count to three and I want you to calm down and keep your hands to yourself.” Nope. You would start counting once Anna thwacked her sibling and you wanted to punish her for making a mistake – OR for not having mastered the task of staying cool under frustrating circumstances.

3. The proper time to begin training begins as soon as the child is up and alert. Children are hungry for information. They want to master their surroundings. They needn’t be punished when they make a mistake or punished as a way for a parent to gain control over them. The process of learning, making mistakes, gentle and consistent redirection along with years of practice and teaching will ultimately prepare our kids for their roles as adults. Punishment deals with immediate problems without taking into account the long-term consequences and adverse effects on both the child and the parent child relationship.

4. The most effective way I have found to guide my decisions as it pertains to disciplining is to reframe the “How Do I Get my child to stop….. “ to “What Will It Take for my child to. …”

Examples:

Instead of, How do I get my child to sit still at the table, you ask yourself, What will it take for my child to LEARN to be part of the meal experience without having to be the center of attention?
Instead of, How do I get my child to hold my hand when we cross the parking lot consider instead, What will it take for my child to agree to hold my hand?
Instead of, How do I get my child to stop lying ask yourself, What will it take for my child to have the courage to tell the truth?
Instead of, How do I get my child to hang up her coat ask yourself, What will it take for my child to take care of her belongings?

By reframing the question the task of disciplining takes a long-term teaching approach and helps us recognize that our job as parents is to work with the child until she reaches mastery or develops a character trait that will serve her in her adult life.

Quality Discipline Strategies

1. Say what you mean, mean what you say and then do it. Kids learn when things happen, not when mouths are moving. And they learn best when they can trust that what their parents say, they mean.

2. Take time for training. Slow, thoughtful, intentional training will go a long way in creating an encouraging environment that empowers the kids and supports a friendly, relaxed family dynamic.

3. Remain Firm & Kind. Firm is respectful to you and kind is respectful to the child. Many times discipline is turned into punishment because the parent is overly firm which can sound harsh and authoritarian in nature or overly kind which is more permissive in nature. Learning to balance a firm and kind attitude takes practice, so go slow and forgive often.

4. Allow children to experience Natural Consequences – NC’s are the best teachers. As a parent, all you have to do is find the courage to stay out of the way and then objectively be there for the child to process the outcome of his choices. Tip: If parents are going to use NCs don’t ruin it by saying, I told you so. That just makes kids feel badly and very little learning actually happens when kids feel bad.

5. Make agreements with kids that include realistic expectations and allow for progress and improvement. Make sure to follow through on what was previously agreed upon. This is important and builds an atmosphere of trust. Nobody has to get mad or feel bad, this is the outcome of the choice that was made.

6. Give win/win choices that move the action forward. Blue boots or red boots, sneakers or boots, homework now or later, run or walk, brush teeth downstairs or upstairs.

7. Ignore what isn’t morally or physically dangerous until the crisis is over and then return to the first question – What will it take for my child to…

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Posted in Parenting Strategies

DUCT TAPE DRAGNET: A collection of good stuff

Here it is! We’ve compiled some articles that are interesting, opinion-based, science-backed or just plain insightful for your parenting journey. We’re stockpiling a list of good stuff to share, so if you find something, send it our way and maybe we can include it in our weekly roundup.

In the event that you missed these articles, here is a sampling of what’s going around the web: (note, we’re going for quality here, so if we post an older article, it’s because we think the message is good. Also, we just like this stuff, we have no affiliations but we do hope to meet many of these authors and speakers! Thanks.)

Jillian Lauren Why We Don’t Punish Our Son, Ever

This article, by author Jillian Lauren, went up on the moms.today.msn.com website about a year ago. I just stumbled on it last week- and I’m wondering what her family’s experience has been like. She says her point by not punishing is that she wishes to demonstrate the “kind of values I want to teach him and what kind of person I want him to become. I might be able to sit him in time-out or yell at him or spank him or take away his favorite toy or otherwise coerce him out of this completely annoying habit, but in exchange for his compliance, I’ve lost an opportunity to connect with my child…” This is the perfect example of a parent who has put the relationship strategies before discipline strategies and it’s an interesting read for anyone else making this commitment. May she inspire you to have the courage to put the relationship first!

Babble’s Mindy Berry WalkerHappy Mom’s Confession: I’m not so nice at home

This article struck me because of its honesty. I read it the same week I hosted a women’s renewal retreat. They couldn’t compliment each other more– the article sends a cry for what mothers everywhere are seeking: contentment, connectedness, guilt-free parenting, acceptance and a healthy emotional balance so we can parent from our best. The Retreat, at the other end of the spectrum, provided just what any woman in her darkest hour deserves: time to heal, reflect, connect and be an authentic person supported by other women in a safe environment free of judgment and criticism. This confession uncovers what’s really going on with so many mothers and it shows us why we must take care of ourselves and look out for those around us. The comments are telling- and it’s a testament to the pressure we put on ourselves, the resentment that can build over time and the human need to get out there and adventure and stay connected.

Jennifer Conlin The Non Joie of Parenting

This article by Jennifer Conlin covers the reality for US families: we’re too busy to stay connected, unlike the more low key paced communities she experienced in Europe. The take away is yes, kids don’t have to be the center of the universe and parents find it enjoyable to have a life outside the mom’s taxi. The question is, do you think things will change? Read and see what you think.

Sandra Aamodt Welcome to Your Child’s Brain

This book, while a typical “parenting book” is just what we need to help reduce the panic we feel when we think we’re screwing up our kids. Basically, the book features brain science facts that back the notion that you don’t have to be a super-parent for your child’s intelligence to develop – just a good-enough parent. “The vast majority of children are like dandelions, in that they can thrive in almost any conditions.” In this case, being a weed is a good thing. Follow the author @sandra_aamodt

Christine Carter The Stuck-at-Home Generation

Raising Happiness

Bully: A Provocative and Essential Documentary

This article by NPR outlines the nature of this season’s much talked about documentary, Bully “a wrenching, intensely moral film” that has been given an R rating, much to the dismay of its audiences. “Bully weaves together five stories from different parts of America’s heartland. Two are about the grieving families of boys who’ve committed suicide — a 17-year-old in Georgia, an 11-year-old in Oklahoma City. The rest are profiles of kids still toughing it out — a Mississippi teenager who has been jailed after pulling a gun on the kids who made her life a living hell, a lesbian Oklahoma high-schooler who is tormented not just by other students but by her teachers as well.” This is a must see.

Lisa Belkin How Parenting Is Like Groundhog Day And Mad Libs

I personally like this post because it gives some decent evidence on exactly how parenting reinvents itself every few years. Fads are as “fill in the blanks” as madlibs and what you do with the information in between is really up to you. Personally, as I’ve said in my recent Crap, Rant or Fad blog, I find that most everything is just a fire drill or it focuses no where near a solution. Instead, many of these articles stir up concerns and give us something else to worry about- and sure enough, as intensely as it came in, the parenting storm rolls out….that is until another hazy afternoon. Like the author, I’m quite desensitized to the immediate crisis du jour— it’s probably because I’ve also seen the same problems resurface over my 20 years of parent education. But the takeaway for me with this blog is that as parents, it’s way too easy to get worked up and be part of the problem- sharing details and getting in a tizzy over yet another label or category or omitting the part where you look for a solution to the bigger problem. Lisa says keep the wide lens open and I couldn’t agree more. In fact, I say keep the wide lens open and focused on where your family wants to be in 20 years and pay no mind to the dings and dents along the way.

Lenore Skenazy Outrage of the Week: No One Under 18 Allowed Outside Unsupervised in Florida Community

Let’s just start by saying this blog post highlights a societal sentiment that I think is very unhealthy for children, parents and the community– and it’s happening in a real town in Florida! Read it. Comment. Read the comments and get your finger on the pulse of what parents who cherish independence and who trust their children are saying about this type of community ordinance. This community is forbidding ANYONE under 18 to be outside without supervision! “…no bike riding, no walking to the bus stop without an adult. Some parents say their kids are under house arrest” – just read through this blog post. How can these kids be ready for the real world if they can’t even ride their bike in their community?

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Five Most Essential Parenting Questions

With the sea of information out there. I thought it would be helpful to narrow it down a bit and identify the top 5 questions parents can ask themselves.

1. Who am I doing this for?

Believe it or not, when you train your brain to stop and ask “Who am I doing this for?” you can suddenly find yourself faced with a truth that will alter your course of action quickly and decisively. How many times have you made a parenting decision based on someone other than your child?

Maybe you started nagging the kids because your spouse can’t stand a messy family room when she comes home from a late Board Meeting.
Maybe you choose the kids clothes and slick back their hair because your mother is critical of how they are “groomed” and thinks this is an indication of a persons worth.
Maybe you give in to the kids at the check out line so they won’t pitch a fit (even after you gave them a hefty lecture in the car that brought them to tears about how you would NOT buy them anything) just so the 20 year old check out clerk wouldn’t give you the hairy eyeball.
Maybe you drove all the way home to get the soccer pads because you didn’t want the coach thinking your kid wasn’t committed to playing on the “elite” squad in his second year of the sport.

2. What is my purpose in doing this?

Asking ourselves what the “purpose” in doing something is, helps clear the crap and provide an illuminated path towards our true purpose.

Is my purpose to look good in front of these parents, or to show my child that I will support their personal style?
Is my purpose to have a child who gets straight A’s, or a child who learns to invest in her own education?
Is my purpose to get the kids to school so I don’t get another note from the teacher about their tardiness, or to allow them to create a morning routine that works for them?
Is my purpose to get the house picked up because neat houses mean neat families or to help my kids learn how important their cooperation is to the health of the family?
Is my purpose to show my friends what good manners my kids have or to model to my children how to show respect for others?

3. What message does what I am about to do send to my child?

As parents, it’s easy to forget that a child’s interpretation of our actions is more important than our intention.

You suggest your child change his clothes for school.
Your intention is to lower the chance of teasing from classmates.
His interpretation is that you don’t approve of his taste in clothes (hair, music, friends, food, etc.)

You insist on making lunches and packing backpacks.
Your intention is to ensure a healthy lunch and proper supplies for school.
Her interpretation is that you have no faith in her ability to make a lunch or pack a backpack.

You clean up his room even though he has asked you to stay out.
Your intention is to provide an aesthetically pleasing environment for him (and clear out the moldy food before the ants arrive.)
His interpretation is that you have no respect for his wishes or his privacy.

If you get a reaction from your child that is unexpected or negative, there is a good chance that the message you were trying to send missed its mark. Take a few minutes and talk with your child about your intentions and see if you can bring some clarity to the situation. In the long run, it will help you and your child develop a stronger and more honest relationship.

4. What am I willing to do differently?

So often times, the focus is on what we want our kids to do differently. But the truth is, when we change what we do, we influence the family. In essence, we are in control of the ship. So instead of putting your time and energy into forcing the kids to change, try asking yourself what YOU are willing to do differently and then do it. It doesn’t have to be a big shift, just a sincere one that will benefit everyone in the situation. Before long, you will find it easy to course correct, take a new tact and experience the kind of change that brings joy and exuberance back into parenting. Remember, change IS power. So parent with power!

5. Am I asking more from my child than I am asking from myself?

This may be my all time favorite question, because the answer is almost always YES, of course I expect more from my kid than I expect from myself.

I expect my child to show me the respect I have earned, but I will show my child respect only when it suits me.
I expect my child to pick up their stuff without being asked because they know it’s what I want, but I will allow myself to toss my junk if I am feeling tired or stressed or just plain grouchy.
I expect my kids to eat healthy, all of the time, and if they veer off course I will be sure to correct them, but I will eat what I like, as much as I like because – well, I can.
I expect my children to be nice to each other no matter what, but I will yell, threaten, overpower and belittle if someone doesn’t do things my way.

Is this list a little over the top? Maybe. But my 23 years of experience tells me that this is just the tip of the iceberg. If you want to raise respectful, responsible, cooperative, flexible, compassionate, patient, inclusive, open and honest kids you will have to model these traits for them. And by model, I don’t mean on occasion when the stars align. I mean model even when you’d rather let your childish side take the reins.

So do yourself and your kids a favor. Cut everyone some slack. Cut your kids even more than that and before long you will have established a more balanced family dynamic.

Post these 5 questions where you can see them until they permeate your thinking and influence what comes out of your mouth next. It isn’t asking too much if what you truly want is to establish a relationship with your kids that has the entire neighborhood wanting what you have.

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Playground Plan – Rules of Engagement

There is a lot of talk right now about bullying and bystanding and questions from parents about how to handle dicey situations between kids on the playground, the schoolyard, during play dates and any other time kids are thrown together. In fact, last week we rounded up over a dozen blogs on this topic alone, and although parents (and a few experts) had lots to say on the subject, there didn’t seem to be a lot of solutions to the problem.

One mom wrote about watching her own child get picked on at the playground and felt caught between feeling shocked, wanting to sooth hurt feelings, confused about overstepping boundaries and questioning whether she “should” be saving her child from the real world experience. These thoughts can consume any parent and leave them feeling more confused, not less, about what to do in this situation.

I don’t have all the answers to this dilemma, but I did raise five children and I also had a childhood of my own that included a neighborhood full of kids ranging in age from 2 to 12 who were required to interact on a regular basis. So here are some of the tactics we employed to help our kids navigate the sometimes slippery slope.

HAVE A PLAYGROUND PLAN

First: Create a plan for any interaction between kids before you actually throw the kids together. Yes, a plan. With a plan, you know ahead of time what you are going to do if you witness bullying, harassment, picking on, ignoring or any other socially intolerable action.

Second: Know what you are willing to “do” in these situations. Some parents feel more comfortable leaving, some want to stand their ground and confront the child and/or parent, some are willing to step in and assist the kids, and others want their kids to figure things out on their own. There is no right or wrong. There is only what best supports you and your family’s core values.

Third and most important – Invite kids to make the rules of engagement. Here is what it sounds like:

“Do you kids have a plan for playing safely on the playground?” Because without one, that means that we, your parents, will have to step in and make the rules, and tell you who gets to go first and frankly, I don’t think any of you will have too much fun. So, how would you kids like to come up with a plan for playing safely together?”

At this point, most kids step up and embrace the idea of creating their own Rules of Engagement which include things like – no hitting, no going up the slide backwards, no calling each other names, and so on. Believe it or not, most kids can and will come up with a common sense plan to playing together and each time they do this, it reinforces for them that it is possible to create a fun and safe place for kids of all ages and all styles to play together. When the kids create a plan, they agree, and that makes it easier to deal with someone who tries to disrupt their rules. It helps kids who feel like victims learn to stand up for themselves and it helps kids who have been labeled the bully to adhere to the rules. All you do is help them learn how to do that until they master it themselves.

Fourth: Teach your kids about the equitable distribution of power within your home and allow them to become confident problem solvers and strong communicators. If you have kids who take order from you, it’s going to be hard for them to step into a leadership role on the playground. If your kids get in trouble for challenging you, they will have trouble challenging their peers. And if your kids are pampered and saved from life’s little disappointments and frustrations, they won’t have the resources necessary to deal with world beyond your threshold.

It’s important that we have faith in our kids and that we work with them to create a strong sense of skills to deal with the challenges that await them. Take some time and think about creating your own plan and then talk to your kids about the idea of creating a set of Rules of Engagement that they can use whenever they have a chance to play with other kids.

Thanks to efforts by celebs and the documentary BULLY, our sense of awareness as a culture is increasing, but question still remains “what does this mean for me?”

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Why we MUST Take Time to Care for Ourselves and Each Other

Moms and dads I encourage you to read this jaw dropping article from last week on Babble by Mindy Berry Walker. It’s “jaw dropping” because of the honesty in which she writes about the guilt and resentment she carries around with her from day to day. Read the comments and you’ll see she’s not alone.

I wanted to hit the pause button and look at what’s really going on here for this stay at home mom: she’s disconnected and has far too much pressure to perform with enthusiasm. She’s tired. She’s lonely. She’s overwhelmed with the cleaning. She’s resentful of her husband’s ease of his family duties. She is in a struggle between what is real and what her mind is telling her she should and could and would be like if she was a better mom.

But even in her upset, she’s onto something big and powerful and positive: she says she has to get out, she longs for adventure. She puts the effort into finding people to connect with. She shows us how we are social beings and we feel more confident and content when we are accepted and appreciated in any group or community. But every time she slips back into the shadows of her own life, the place where guilt and struggle exist, she begins to unravel and become hollow.

It’s clear how many can relate to her mixed emotions (perhaps you see a glimpse of yourself in her confession). Yes, she loves her children and loves being a mom, but part of her is cracking under the weight and stress that comes from raising kids and being consumed 24-7 with day-to-day details.

I read this last week, but felt compelled to share it after the uplifting weekend I experienced with an amazing group in our women’s renewal retreat. Why? Because we came out of that retreat refreshed, connected, alive and ready to make changes. And honestly, I think we can see the bloggers spiral and despair more clearly with a fresh head on our shoulders. We can now reflect on how we’ve all been there (in some way) and that yes, we can actually find a path to a more satisfied life with our children. How?

Every mother deserves the time to heal, reflect and share– the highs and lows can be debilitating– that’s why we HAVE to make time for ourselves so that we can keep ourselves and each other from sliding into this battle between being the perfect perky mom and the resentful, “going through the motions” mom. Neither existence is satisfying. We’ve got to help each other find that middle ground, the one where we’re real and connected and we have empathy for ourselves and those around us.

The theme of this last weekends retreat was from Judith Dweks book “A Circle of Stones” where she invites women to imagine how their life might be different if there had been a place, a sacred place for them to gather with other women, some older and some younger and share their experiences. Where their doubts and dreams, their fatigue and joy, their judgement and rejoicing was accepted and celebrated and most importantly validated by other women.

She suggests that if women had a place to gather, on a regular basis, to bare witness to each other’s lives, that we might live more balanced, accepting, joyful lives. By the end of the weekend, I believe we all left understanding that each of us could create our own special circle that would renew our spirits and heal our tired minds.

While the article, in some ways, feels like a throwback to the 50s– it’s not and we ought to pay attention to the message. It seems with more pressure to be perfect, tidy, fit, organized, in charge of our kids, make enough money and often with less family nearby, there’s a high level of constant, steady and unhealthy stress sitting on parents’ shoulders. Remember, we are social beings and if you ever get to this point- where you’re so far in the rabbit hole you can’t see the light from overhead, it’s time to pause the action and reach out to a trusted friend.

If you’re feeling down, overwhelmed, exhausted or depleted and you’re looking for a bit of encouragement and to gather with other parents for some inspiration, Parenting On Track is having another retreat in May. Join us!

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Hidden Agenda

Have you ever had the experience of listening to a sermon, hearing a song or reading a book and thinking to yourself, I think that guy wrote that book for me, personally? Well, it happened for me this week when I read Kevin Allen’s new book, “The Hidden Agenda.”

Kevin is part of the Bibliomotion family, the publisher for our book Duct Tape Parenting, so I was especially excited to get my hands on the book and dive in. Little did I know that I would find myself pulled in and held captive by his story in the first few pages. With unbridled enthusiasm and at the expense of some of my household chores, I plowed my way through the book, marker in hand until I was left feeling like I had just been invited behind the curtain at Oz. I’m not kidding. This book hit home for me on so many levels.

First, as Kevin explains what the hidden agenda is and how it shapes an effective marketing message, I realized it couldn’t have come at a more opportune time in the life of my own business. As we begin to grow our business beyond the borders of Vermont and into a global landscape, it is imperative that we understand our customers hidden agenda and articulate our message in a genuine, sincere and authentic way. For to not do so might result in the collapse of a company I have nurtured for over 20 years.

Second, as a parent, I can see that this book has implications for understanding my own children’s hidden agenda’s and how I might tap into them to build a stronger and more trusting relationship with them. I can even imagine assisting them in identifying and articulating their own hidden agenda and using this information to create a life rich with meaning and possibility.

Third, as I reflect on my own hidden agenda and what drives me forward in my life, I am reminded of Dr. Alfred Adler and what first inspired and interested me in his work. It is this deep understanding of ourselves and those around us that brings fulfillment in my work and in my personal life. Much of what Allen writes about resonates with me and I find Adler’s perspective sprinkled within his work.

Whether you are a business owner looking to connect more genuinely to your customer, or you are responsible for creating a marketing campaign for a company of any size, or a parent looking to connect more deeply with your child, this book offers its readers easy access to one of the most illusive and effective tools in understanding and connecting to those you serve and love.

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The Dirt on Seeking Parenting Advice: Digging through Crap, Rant or Fad

My job is to travel around from state to state, town to town, and school to school giving advice and helping families make changes in their lives. While I’d like to attribute the Parenting On Track gold to my charismatic charm, humor, wit and deep intelligence, I can’t. I have listed below exactly WHY this stuff works.

1. Philosophy – Dr. Alfred Adler. His work has been around for nearly 100 years. There are thousands of Adlerian Psychologists, therapists and parent educators who work around the world bringing Adler’s work to those looking to develop stronger relationships with spouses, children, co-workers and family members. I’ve spent 20 years studying and adapting his philosophy to meet the needs of the parents I work with. I quote people who are specialists in this field. I don’t make it up! (Yes, okay I admit, I do coin some cool phrases based on this theory).

2. No Play By Play – My approach to helping parents deal with a child’s pesky behavior is to focus on what the parents are doing, not what the kids are doing. Everything I recommend is based on improving the relationship between parent and child, not teaching parents how to dole out discipline or punishment. Everything I teach is relationship focused. Efforts that improve the relationship FIRST, lead to improvement in behavior second. It works all the time.

3. Solutions – I make it a point NOT to go on and on about problems or what a parent should have done in a given situation. I’m in this work to deliver solutions. Solutions grounded in theory that are aimed at improving the relationship. Without a solution, it’s a rant!

4. Real Life Examples - I use real life examples to help parents better understand a situation they are struggling with and believe me, after 20 years in the field, I have lots of examples at my disposal. Examples help parents connect information with action. Without the connection the information can swirl around in a parent’s head leaving them more confused than ever.

Without these to anchor my advice, insight and “wisdom” I’d be pulling tips and tricks out of thin air based on my perception at the moment, and my perception of the situation would lead parents on a wild goose chase, not closer to an understanding of what they could do differently to bring about change.

The reason for this post?

I’ve spent the past few weeks diving into what’s floating around the internet – holy guacamole folks, no wonder parents are confused! I guess this explains why parents arrive at my classes or workshops with some crazy ideas about parenting. I have discovered that advice is mislabeled from one end of the triple W to the other.

Here’s the deal, if you’re looking for “advice” on the web, you can either say forget it altogether OR you can check it against these following five points:

1. Philosophy – Does it have a legitimate, long-standing philosophy? If yes, then check that the advice is grounded in the main pillars of the belief system.

2. Expert - Is the author trained in the philosophy? You wouldn’t take money advice from a landscaper, unless the landscaper was an entrepreneur teaching you how to grow a business via his journey. See the connection? Experts come in various shapes, so this doesn’t mean you can’t seek tips from a non-traditional source. Just be sure that the source knows his/her stuff and can give insight, context and information that is accurate to the experience.

3. Check for “Get your kids” – Does the article or blog have the words “make your child” or “get your child to” do this not that or do that not this to your child? If yes, skip it! It’s about control and discipline, not the relationship. You’ll just end up further in the weeds. It might work for a minute but you’ll be right back where you started.

4. Rant, rant, rant – Just because a mommy blogger has a great story or wants to share her experience via a credible blogging site doesn’t mean it’s advice! Let’s be clear, I’m not dissing mommy bloggers, they make the web go round! They are fun and they are the best people to share ideas and tricks and tips that worked for them. Remember though, the story they are sharing worked for them and it doesn’t mean you have to run out and try their approach. However, if a mommy blogger uses a credible philosophy (see points 1 & 2), then it’s worth looking into!

5. Lovey-dovey-foo-foo-zoom-zoom – If you just read something and your first thought was, no $h^t Sherlock, then it’s just fluff and you already know it so don’t worry about the latest fad method to introduce the same old common sense!

Parents want to feel connected to or to identify with the ups and downs they experience – this is where a mommy blog or a lovey dovey article does have a purpose. It’s not that the article is crap, it just might be crappy ADVICE. See? So, read headlines that attract you but don’t buy in until you know if it’s rant, crap, fluff, or fad or if it’s grounded in a bigger picture.

So What Does a Parent Read?

Having said all that, here is some of the GOOD STUFF TO READ:

1. Opinion – Opinion articles/blogs can be great food for thought. They can be well researched and can contain facts that back a person’s opinion. (No facts or references? It’s likely a RANT).

2. Blogs by Experts/Organizations – They might not be featured on the biggest sites but you can find life changing tips, tricks, wisdom and so on.

3. Fact Articles – Top tens and other informative articles can give you some new info and let you process it – just be sure to check the credibility of source/author.

Can’t you Simplify This?

I know it’s a lot to process. That’s why I’ve decided to introduce a Parenting On Track Series:

Duct Tape Dragnet: Parenting Articles Worth Reading

Now you can have access to quality articles delivered to you and you don’t have to go wading in the mud to find good opinions, ideas, thoughts and lessons in parenting. Heads up for our first in a series of blogs, articles, sites, books we find on the web that are worth reading!

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Tending to the Relationship with your Spouse

Sometimes we can forget to speak to our spouses using kind, compassionate, friendly, loving and appreciative communication. We can forget, that our children are observing us and making some serious decisions about gender issues, relationship issues and will eventually, begin to model to others, what they hear from us when we are speaking to and with our spouses.

Take a deep breath here if you need too. None of us means to be short, snappy, critical or disrespectful, to our spouse, but it can happen.

My husband and I work on our relationship each and every day, not only for ourselves, but for our children as well.

We want them to have strong, loving relationships with their spouses and they are learning from us what that looks like and sounds like.

I can see my kids watching us, storing information for a later date and in fact, I am beginning to witness the first signs of how they interact and communicate with the opposite sex as they enter the dating world. It is clear that they already have strong ideas about male/female relationships and it is a pleasure to hear some of the words, tones and attitudes my husband and I use with each other come from the mouths of our children.

It is a clear and present reminder to both of us that we are always teaching something, so we best be mindful of what we are teaching.

Here are a few Tips for you:

1. Listen to yourself for the next few days. Find the courage to do a true and honest evaluation of your daily communication style with your spouse.

2. Commit to using a more “appreciative communication style” for the next 21 days and then take the time to “notice” for yourself, what changes are occurring.

3. Using appreciations, especially when they are unexpected is a powerful tool in creating a kind, compassionate, understanding and accepting family dynamic.

4. Make sure that your appreciations are sincere and spontaneous. For instance:

In the middle of a TV show, blurt something kind out so that everyone looks at you in a slightly questioning way
Shout across the room – Hey, ya know what I love about you……
Or walk out of the kitchen and whisper something sweet into your spouses ear. The smile on their face will convey to the kids that whatever you said, made the other person feel good inside.

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Be creative and if you tend to be uncomfortable showing emotion, take a small step out of your comfort zone and extend your heart to those you love.

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