Blog | Parenting On Track™

All Aboard!

We’ve spent the last three blogs cracking open what it looks like when we’re tripped up as parents and seemingly headed in the opposite direction of our goals. We identified what trips us up, what it looks like and ultimately where we’d hope this train leads in the end for our families and our children.

If you take your chart (CLICK HERE to get caught up) and look at it for a minute, you’ll probably recognize that #3, the reason or goal of the situation, is generally immediate. We’re parenting on the wrong track in the wrong direction, because we slip out of big picture mode. We lose track of the final stop on the line (see column #4).

Look at the columns, side by side and see if the goal or the reason why you’re parenting from the wrong track is in line with what you ultimately want for your child down the road. Do they work together or do they run in opposite directions?

For example, if you are a control freak (like I once was, so I get it) and you’re constantly nagging and micromanaging, is it in line with a goal in column #4? If there are words like independent, observant, resilient, thinking kid, leader, and so on, you’ll see that every time you parent for the immediate solution, (by overriding their ability to make decisions, stopping a mess up, or preventing them from forgetting things) then you’re not supporting the end goal. Over time, you can see that while you want to be headed toward all those long-term goals, you’re not really on the right train.

So, get off at the next stop. Double check your map. Decide which end platform you’d like your child to set foot on at age 18.

Use this information to then think before you flip the switch to travel in the wrong direction. If you can think of it like this, it may help: as a parent EVERY action (not just the big ones, all the little ones) you take either MOVE YOU TOWARD or AWAY FROM that end goal.

Knowing this, each time you opt NOT to yell or correct or save the kids becomes easier and clearer. Practice will give you the mental muscle to make a conscious choice to stay off that tripped up track (even if it gets messy on the RIGHT track) and in the end, get you to a place you and your child can enjoy.

Remember our job as parents is

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Posted in Parenting Strategies

Pitstop: The Train Station

Where do you want this train to end up?

So, now we’re taking a moment to stand on the platform and look at the map. Inbound and outbound trains all over the wall. Destinations at every end. What is your route? Where do you want to go? Now is the time to pause and draw your own map.

Imagine that at the end of the line, your child is 18. What words would you like to see your child embrace, embody, employ when he steps off the track and into the real world? How are you doing? Are you headed in the right direction? Are you on course? Is it time to readjust or as the GPS voice says recalculate?

Write the words that describe what you really want for your child down at the end. Do it for each one of your children, as you’re probably in a different place with each child and each one of your children has different strengths to build on.

The goals can be anything: Independence. Responsibility. Social Awareness. Community. Confidence. Individuality. Judgement. Caring and Empathy. Decision Making. ANYTHING.

Think about this. What do you really want for your children, beyond being on time for school, or picking up backpacks, or completing contributions before company comes, or hanging up coats, or saying thank you to the neighbor for the ride. Is your current parenting strategy focusing more on where you are going or getting your kids to do what you want in the moment instead?

Take your time and discover what you want and next week – once you have identified where you are going – we’ll talk about what it will take to get there.

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Posted in Uncategorized

Tripped up and Off Track

We all know what it looks and feels like when the family is running smoothly and the path is clear and smooth, pointing towards our destination. People are agreeable, things are happening with little drama or resistance or argument. If feels good, people are generally happy and there’s not a whole lot of anything specific going on to get in the way of the daily grind. Life is just cruising and you can find the time to think, “I like this. This is how I imagined family life and raising kids would be.”

However, when we get tripped up as parents, or when our track of smooth daily life takes a turn—suddenly we find ourselves caught in a battle of wits, a cycle of ineffective discipline, or a rush to get out of the door—we start to do some very obvious and specific things to try to get “back on track.” We try SO hard to correct the list of bad behaviors and focus on “how it should be” that we turn on the switch for all kinds of parenting tactics that may or may not make sense, be healthy for you or your family, or get you anywhere close to “happyville”.

Still, when the family starts to veer a little left, it’s as if the driver flips the switches and it’s go time. You were cruising along and “bam”, something happens and you’re – YELLING. Bribing. Controlling. Snapping. Demanding. Rushing. Shushing. Hushing. Brushing (RIGHT NOW WE HAVE TO GO!). We just open up and let it fly. Do you have this? Don’t say that. Why did you do THAT? I told you so. We just turn the headlights onto what’s going wrong, and temporarily bypass the gut-check that says, this might not be helpful, but I’m gonna say it anyway!

Suddenly, you find yourself thirteen miles from where you started. You may have solved the problem at the moment, but you expect it might return tomorrow, or in an hour, and so you brace for it. And then, when you find yourself one hundred miles down the track, you admit. I’m headed in the wrong direction!

When you’re parenting from this place, the one where you’re act exactly like you want to (and also, the way you don’t want your kids to behave), even though you know it’s not really going to work for the long haul, it is here that you are – tripped up. You recognize that things are feeling out of control or that you aren’t connected with your kids. This is the place where you reach in your pocket and grab your go-to strategies (see your list from last post).

Instead of these go-to strategies, now is the time to hit the brakes. After all, a derailed train will likely end in some form of train wreck. That’s only exciting in Hollywood, and we all know, this ain’t the movies!

Okay, so you’ve hit the brakes right? You’re like Denzel Washington and the cute young gentleman in Unstoppable. You’ve done it. You stopped your mind and you recognize that you’re pulling ineffective tactics from your pocket. You realize the yelling or the bribing or the micro-managing or the dictating isn’t exactly working and now ask yourself;

WHY DO I DO THIS?

Be totally honest. After 20 years of parent education, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess the answer will be something like,

Great. Now take a moment to PRINT this chart. Go back and fill in the first three boxes. Leave the fourth one blank. We’ll get to that on Friday.

For today, focus on the question: HOW DO I JUSTIFY STAYING ON THIS TRACK? Is it convenience, status, order, time management, and so on. Parents everywhere know they’re using strategies they don’t like and want to change, but in the end, in the face of opposition from a youngster, they go right back to it. Write it down. Think about it. Write it down again and think about it some more. On Friday we’ll take a moment to identify long term goals for your kids and consider how doing what you are doing today is keeping your entire family “off track”.

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Posted in Parenting Strategies

What Trips You Up as a Parent?

As a parent, there are auto-habits that we develop in response to getting through the day. What starts as a firm voice to get the kids to do their homework leads to yelling and suddenly, oh snap, you’re a “yeller.” Or perhaps you controlled a little too much when your child was a toddler and now, oh crap, you’re a control freak. Or maybe you realized, darn it, I’m acting more like a friend than a parent but I just don’t know how to stop this cycle.

No matter who you are, you probably have one or two habits that you’ve thought to yourself, “gee, I’d really like to stop doing that” but every time the kids do X, Y or Z, I resort right back. It’s a hang up – a trip up- a screw up that you’ve seen play out over and over. If you’re ready to back away from the rope that’s strung between two trees, under the brush, just waiting for your foot to snag it and watch you fall on your face, start here. Learn to avoid those situations by following the next series of blog posts!

Today, in order for you to even begin the process, you’ll need to know what trips you up. SO, take a moment think of you when you’re parenting from your best. Write down what makes you feel like you’re on the right track.

It could be anything like:

Then, think of you parenting from your worst. Write down the biggest doozies you find yourself resorting to. Here are some ideas to get your mind thinking:

Great. Now keep your list nearby. The next blog will be helpful in learning what exact tactics you employ when you start to get tripped up. So, keep thinking and stay tuned!

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Posted in Discovery

Five Tips to Make Lunch Packing Easier for your Kiddo

As we said before, packing a lunch is a very useful and “real life” habit that will help your child develop responsibility, time management and confidence. It’s also a nice way to send the message that you trust your child with decisions that affect her life.
Here are 5 ways to help you make this process smooth and simple so that you can walk out of the kitchen and trust they can handle it.

1. EASY REACH: USE LOW STORAGE FOR SUPPLIES

The kitchen is where we keep all the necessities for packing lunches and making meals. Unfortunately, we often keep the clingwrap, napkins, bread and other essentials up high. Open your cabinets and open the low drawers- can your children use these items for making lunches? Or, is it stuff that can be put up high until it’s needed. You can even bring your dishes, bowls and cups to a lower height to make this easier for meals at home. In order to help your child’s independence, put anything and everything your child might need like straws, napkins, lunchbags, and so on. within easy reach.

2. GET YOUR LIDS & BOXES TOGETHER

Nothing says frustration like searching for containers and lids that don’t match. Stock one drawer, bin or cabinet and make sure that they can find matching lids and containers without needing you to “help” by digging through three buckets of plastic for them—it’s a pain. Set them up for success with matching storage containers / jars, etc. This includes drink bottles and screw tops as well!

3. PLAN AHEAD AND STOCK UP

If you have to, spend Sunday nights stocking the kitchen so the mornings are smooth and hands off. Stock one bottom drawer in the fridge with a week’s worth of juiceboxes, or other choices they can grab and pack themselves. Fill the other drawer with fruit or “healthy” options like yogurts, cheese, apple slices, premade “pbj” circle sandwiches, or applesauce, and so on. Stock the pantry or lower cabinet/drawer with a variety of snack, they can be crackers, graham crackers, or chips depending on what you’re committed to. Then tell the kids to choose one snack, one fruit and one dairy and they can choose the rest, or whatever your guildelines are. The most important part is to let THEM CHOOSE. If you’ve stocked it, it’s fair game!

4. MAKE THE SNACKS WIN-WIN

Yes, they will want cookies and junk over healthy stuff but you can set the tone for a healthy lunch by offering “treats” you can live with. This will get them excited to pack their lunches – even if you HATE those fruit rolly things they ask for every time—if they agree to pack and eat other healthy options as well, let them have some sort of “exciting” lunch food they’ve been asking for – just choose something you can live with, vs. something that will eventually make you step in and say no. Kids are willing to balance their own lunches if they can have some say in what goes in there! So, again, stock a space and set a limit (there are five days, five roll ups, and if they eat them all by Tuesday, well, then, they’re out and they’ll have to choose something else). But, if they want one everyday, they’ll have to pace themselves. The point is, your kids are practicing real life skills. You can’t expect a 13 year old to make skillful choices if they haven’t been making them for 10 years. So provide opportunities for the kids to learn.

5. AIM FOR 3 of 5 DAYS TO START

Don’t set out on this change in habit without setting some realistic goals. The first week might go great, but then everyone will fall off. Just know this will happen (it might not, but plan for it). Then, once you’ve gotten an idea of how you’d like to see the mornings go, aim for three days of the five. If you only hit two, well, it’s better than nothing. Keep going until your children trust you’re not even thinking about their lunches anymore! It takes time and it’ll never be perfect. Remember to invite them into the kitchen when you are preparing meals, this will help them feel more comfortable and practice outside of a morning or bedtime routine. Let yourself have a little room to make mistakes and it’ll be much easier to stick with it.

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Posted in Parenting Strategies

Why Your Kid Can Pack Her Own Darn Lunch!

There’s something more delicious than a PBJ or bagel with cream cheese in your child’s lunch—something sweeter than a fresh baked cookie or chocolate milk. It’s CONFIDENCE. 100% pure confidence and responsibility…that is, if your daughter packs her own lunch, all by herself without any interference from you.

Maybe your child is already doing this and that’s terrific. But, perhaps she doesn’t – and you’re the one up early every morning, folding and zipping balanced foods into a Spongebob shaped lunchbox. If you are, the good news is you don’t have to do this and you don’t have to feel bad about quitting the job! Here’s the deal: by doing this task everyday for your child, you’re forfeiting a PERFECT opportunity to give your child some choice and real world decision making experience.

It may sound like no big deal, but a kid who packs his lunch is making decisions, testing his judgment (I can’t tell you how many times a kid has over packed or under packed, only to come home and admit they need to adjust the portions). They are practicing time management- everyday, before they leave they have to be sure they have food for the day. If they fall behind or forget, they have to figure something else out (like get the emergency lunch offered at the lunch line). When a child packs her own lunch, she realizes that she’s in charge of her decisions and is more willing to eat what she puts in there.

The biggest benefit to handing off this “chore” is that you’re saying to your kid, sure, I trust you to make a decision and stick to it. I also trust that you can do it.

Again, if packing lunch seems too simple a task to teach this valuable life lesson, I urge you to think about why you are hesitant to even consider the idea. You’ll be late. They’ll make bad choices! You don’t want to deal with the mess, and so forth. All the reasons why you “just take care of it” are the exact reasons, this is an awesome habit that will give your child some real world responsibility.

Yes, this effort will take some time and some planning, but don’t write it off, even if you fail a few days or weeks in. Try again and you’ll see that once you commit to giving it over to your child, your child will commit to taking care of it.

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Posted in Parenting Strategies

Got Values? Get Some (And Decision-Making will be Easy this Year!)

“It is not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.” –Unknown

The new year is a chance for parents to reflect on the successes and failures of the previous year, gather information that will help in making thoughtful and intentional change in the coming year and it can be a time of inspiration and excitement when we envision what we will do differently and the benefit to everyone in the family

Instead of worrying about slipping up and preparing to simply face each parenting dilemma as it comes why not keep your fresh mindset by setting yourself up for success. Here is what I do each January when it’s time for a serious inventory of where I’ve been, where I want to be and what it will take to get there in terms of my life as a mom (although I use this exercise in every aspect of my life).

Find 30 minutes of quiet
Bring a journal and pen
Instead of wasting time judging, criticizing or feeling guilty about your parenting slip-ups, identify the value you were stepping on when you treated your children in a way that left you feeling crappy inside and a bit ashamed of your behavior
Write down that value and think about how you go about living it in your daily life. Identify the roots of this value how it brings meaning to your life and helps you determine your decisions, actions and attitudes.
Now write down all the ways you may be inadvertently stomping on them and what the cost is to you, your kids and your family at large. Be really honest here. It can help you live your value with more integrity and thought which will have an impact on your every day living.

Here is an example: My number one value is Radical Faith. When one of my kids calls me with a situation that I think has the potential of ending badly I am at choice as to how I will respond. If I live into my value, then I may just listen, ask question, and be ready when the phone next rings with a story of how badly things turned out. If, on the other hand, I lose site of my value, it’s reasonable that I will lecture, coax, guide, micromanage, bully my kids into taking the “appropriate” action ensuring that the situation ends as I think it should.

Now here is the really crazy thing – when I stomp on my value and interfere, it isn’t long before I feel like a louse of a mom and feel the need to apologize to my kids by picking up the phone, sending them a text or a message through Skype and apologizing for my behavior. I remind them that I believe in them and trust that whatever they decide to do is preferable to anything I might have suggested (or forced on them). I am back to my value through the back door only after causing all of us some unneeded angst.

It takes time and training and a commitment to make living your value a part of daily life – and cleaning up your mess when you stomp on it – but the rewards are numerous.

Take some time this week, before everything is in full swing and it’s suddenly summer break and get a clear picture of what your top 3 or 4 values are, how they influence your life, how you might better live them, and how they might help you create a more peaceful, respectful and rewarding life with your kids.

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Posted in Discovery

Three Reasons your Tween is Acting Like a Pain in the A%$

As parents, sometimes we hit a wall. We find ourselves wondering, how did I get here and who is this aggressive child that used to be so sweet and loving? After 20 years in parent education, I can give you three good reasons why your child is no longer willing to cooperate.

1. Your relationship is injured.

Somewhere in your daily dynamics, the child who once respected you or showed you affection, has been exposed to a rip, snag or tear in the fabric of its foundation. There is something far deeper than a power struggle over taking out the trash at play. How to fix and injured relationship is similar to fixing an injured leg – time and patience and relearning how to communicate. You might have to swallow some pride– somewhere along the way, the relationship got stuck– wiggle out delicately or you’ll only injure it further.

2. The Kid is Bored Out of her Gourd

And I don’t mean the kind of bored where he is idle and needs to find something to do. The kid is bored socially because she’s not involved in community, arts or something meaningful. Even if her calendar is penciled in through 2020, she could be completely disconnected to what she’s doing. Think of adults who get stuck in dead end jobs – they go stir crazy because nothing has meaning and they feel as though life is slipping by. Kids sense this as well! Keep trying to connect a child with something that has meaning, including jobs, community service, foreign language, music and more. Now think of the happy adults you know – they’re probably contributing to their community and feel largely connected to the people around them.

3. He Thinks you Don’t Trust him

Perhaps you’re meddling, doing-for, nagging and correcting how he does this, that and everything in between. If a kid is really on you at every interference, try backing off! Maybe, just maybe he wants you to expect more from him. Here’s where contributions and self regulation can help you out. He can do his own laundry and so he should. He can make his lunch, choose his clothes and decide when to get his homework finished. These are the tiny restraints we layer on our children that cause anger and rebellion. Shift away from the back and forth over tiny details and step back to see what happens.

Bottom line? Tweens are testing boundaries and making their place in the world. Their behavior is simply a reflection of how they got here and whether or not they feel confident, secure and capable. If they’re acting out, they’re telling you something loud and clear!

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Posted in Parenting Strategies

Five Reasons to Quit Your Job as The Maid in 2012

I remind parents in nearly every workshop I teach, that in order for them to get their family on track and in a direction that will benefit them (and the world), mom and dad, MUST QUIT THEIR JOBS AS THE MAID. This means taking the time to unlearn the tendency to hit the auto-pilot button and do everything for everyone all the time.

Here are FIVE solid reasons you could, you can, and you will enjoy this experience:

1. Hamper Heaven: They Can and Will Do their Own Laundry

Nothing says easier mornings than a kid who washed his own clothes and brought them up to his room last night. No looking for his socks. No yelling, “Mom! did you remember to run the dryer!?” and no meltdowns over a missing supply of jeans. Once they do their own, they won’t ever want you meddling in their way again.

2. Drink Your Coffee While THEY Make Lunch in the Morning

Yes, it’s a task to train them, but it only takes a few days. Then, they’re up and taking care of their own nutritional needs while you relax a bit and chat as they decide whether to make another PBJ sandwich or a bagel with cream cheese. This is a chance for you to kick your feet up and watch as the mornings become a symphony of smooth systems and confidence builds (for everyone in the family) with each successful lunch session.

3. Family Time Matters, A Spotless House Does Not

Once you have permission (I’m granting you permission right NOW) to say, “screw it, who cares if the house is a a tad-bit messier or if the dishes have to wait on the counter for an extra 10 minutes”, you can let out the head pressure of trying to keep an eternally clean house (the neat freaks are gasping, I’m sorry) and put your focus back on what really matters, connecting with your kids. This intentional and thoughtful decision to stop the cleaning and auto-straightening and check-listing, frees up time and energy to emotionally be there for your children and stay tuned into the relationship.

4. To-Dos: Delegate and Appreciate

Once the family has worked chores, or as we call them “contributions” into the daily schedule, you can begin to let go of tasks that you’d normally be whizzing around trying to fit into the daily grind. And you don’t have to go in and re-do the second rate vacuum job your 7 year old attempted before school. Instead, you can support the kids and encourage them as they practice until they master this easy task and it becomes a part of their repertoire. It’ll take time but baby steps will guide you into a communal contribution system. This is something I guarantee you WILL appreciate!

5. Grow Confident, Together

When you decide to quit your job as the maid, you allow your kids to participate more fully in family life. That means making more decisions and taking on more responsibility. You also accept more mess, which to a child can mean wearing backwards clothing he picked out himself or cleaning the bathrooms when it’s convenient for her (not you). This naturally opens up a new energy, a sense of ownership and accountability that children carry with them into the “real world” and into future relationships. As a parent, by learning to let go, you discover the house doesn’t fall apart but instead, little people show up and keep their part of the system in check. Is everything perfect every time? No. Will you end up helping them with laundry or have to pack a lunch sometimes? Yes, but if you make the effort to consciously reduce the amount of “tasks” and to-dos on your list, you’ll find that the entire family benefits, PLUS it sure feels nice to quit that thankless job!

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Posted in Parenting Strategies

Parents, Are You Pulling a Purple Controller?

I recently read the article, “Dear Customer Who Stuck Up for His Little Brother” and while this scenario is a true act of courage, I realized that it plays out more often (and with far less intensity) everyday in families across the country. I wanted to take a minute to spotlight the parent’s role in this situation. For the child and his brother, it IS a mighty tale of courage, acceptance, love and the ability for one young person to stand up for another young person and for what is right – the freedom to be who you are. For the parent, it was an intense display of disapproval, and the over–reaction to something he was trying to change about his child.

In the scenario, the father is blatantly telling the young boy he’s not acting in accordance with his gender – in other words “man up kid”. Based on the response to this post, many agree this is not only a harsh attitude, it completely belittles the child’s identity. I shudder to think what daily life must be like for this young boy. He doesn’t need to go to school to experience bullying, it’s happening at home.

Here’s where the thought connects to parents everywhere. What if the child were uncoordinated and not interested in sports? Or the child was bossy and had difficulty navigating social situations? Or a writer not willing to put down the pen? Or a child who spends time building with Legos(R) vs. playing with his peers?

The words, “just suck it up and play on the team” or “stop bossing those kids around” or “would you put that damn book down and do something else?” or “it’s good for you to play with other people” sound exactly the same as “you can’t have a purple controller” –they all say the same thing – be different because who you are – isn’t good enough.

In short, let this purple controller be a reminder for US to control our need to interject and “steer” and manipulate our kids lives. Accept kids for who they are and we’ll see amazing things in the future.

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Posted in Discovery