Bullying is everywhere. And to quote Barbara Coloroso from her book, The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander; From Preschool to High-School – How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence, “Bullying is a life-and-death issue that we ignore at our children’s peril. It can no longer be minimized and trivialized by adults, taken lightly, brushed off or denied.” Evidence of this is everywhere, in all countries around the world.

The good news is that bullying is a learned behavior. Why is that good news? Because it means that we have the power to CHANGE the behavior. And the change starts with us, the parents. Over the course of the next 3 months, I will dive into this subject slowly, laying a foundation, to help you learn more about what bullying is, who plays a part in the cycle, what you can do as parents to begin to change the behaviors and how you can build a family that can play an active role in breaking the cycle.

For the first 3 weeks will focus on the concepts of the bullying cycle and roles children play from the bully, to the bullied, to the bystander. Your role is to gather information through this first phase. The following weeks will focus on what you can DO to implement the concepts you learn into your family.
I will bring in as many resources as I can find that will add value to this discussion and will primarily be using a resource that I believe is the BEST source of information on the topic available; The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander, by Barbara Coloroso, Collins Living Edition, New York, NY 2008.

The Parenting On Track™ program encourages parents to take a week to “Do Nothing and Say Nothing” and to observe what children do or don’t do in the course of a week with no prompting from parents. For those of you who completed the exercise you gained valuable information and new insights into your children and your family. You know how valuable it can be to lift your head up and observe your children. You also know how challenging it can be to zip it – unless of course the child’s action is physically and morally dangerous.

These next few weeks I encourage you to do the same around the very sensitive subject of bullying. The goal is to gain new awareness, understanding and like our program DISCOVER new information that will assist you in the future.

Allow yourself to watch, to listen, to learn and take note of what you observe. It is not a time to judge or jump to conclusions. It is not a time to “do” anything. It is a time to gather necessary information so that you can proceed with confidence, clarity and purpose in the coming weeks.

Bullying is not teasing. Teasing contains a playful nature and offers kids a way to practice what it means to effectively communicate while building strong relationships with their friends. Teasing is safe and contains limits and boundaries. Kids who tease each other share strong feelings of affection, compassion and empathy. Teasing can be a reflection of a close relationship. Nothing is ever said about race, religion, gender, physical or mental attributes or ability. Bullying is not sibling rivalry or two equally matched kids in conflict.

Bullying takes shape in many forms but always contains 3 distinct characteristics.*

1. Imbalance of Power: The bully can be older, bigger, stronger, more articulate, or have more social prowess. Bands of kids grouped together can create an imbalance.

2. Intent to Harm: There is no accident or mistake, a bully intends to inflict emotional or physical pain.

3. Threat of Further Aggression: This is not a one-time event. The bully and the bullied know it will happen again.

*For a complete description of the characteristics, please refer to p.14 in Barbara Coloroso’s book.

According to Coloroso, there are seven kinds of bullies:

1. The confident bully – doesn’t walk onto the scene; he swaggers.

2. The social bully – uses humor, gossip, verbal taunts and shunning.

3. The fully armored bully – is cool and detached. He has little emotion.

4. The hyperactive bully – struggles with academics and has poorly developed social skills.

5. The bullied bully – is both a target and a bully.

6. The bunch of bullies – is a group of friends who collectively do something they would never do individually…

7. The gang of bullies – is a scary lot drawn together not as a group of friends, but as a strategic alliance in pursuit of power.

* For a complete description, please refer to p.19 in Barbara Coloroso’s book.

As a parent, I understand the disturbing nature of bullying. I understand how difficult it is for parents to even consider that one of their children might fall into this category. But turning a blind eye not only puts our schools and communities at risk, it threatens our children’s chances of becoming caring, respectful and healthy human beings.

Remember, the next few weeks are for observations. Next week I will address the bullied child.

Source: The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander, by Barbara Coloroso, Collins Living Edition, New York, NY 2008.