Children are incapable of STARTING a Power Struggle. They can certainly respond in a way that you might interpret as the beginning of the power struggle. But they can’t start one. Think about it for a minute. A Power Struggle begins after you ……

• Give a simple direction, correction, reminder, scolding or saving

“Go put your shoes on.”

You don’t think anything of this direction. But if your spouse said from behind his Blackberry, “Go put some lipstick on!” You would look at him as if he had two heads. And you would probably – push back. The spouse would realize his error, apologize and you would move on. Not so with a child. Instead, the child responds just like you would and you take it personally. Instead of owning up to the fact that you are trying to control another human being, you throw all the blame on a poor kid and you start right in. Hence, the Power Struggle begins.

“I told you I was leaving in 2 minutes.”

Again, if we imagine that you are in the process of getting ready and someone walks in and gruffly throws that line your way, it is reasonable to think that you just might stop what you were doing and give him the hairy eyeball. No doubt he would retract the statement and say, “I can wait another 5 minutes. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“I guess we can’t get donuts now – we are out of time.”

You just might swear at the poor fellow who had nerve enough to say this to you.

The list goes on.

• Why are you crying? There is nothing to cry about.
• Do you have everything you need?
• Are you forgetting anything?
• It is not okay for you to do that!

And it escalates as the child either

• Begins to push back against you
• Reels you in with demands
• Continues to push your buttons

The truth is – NO THINKING CHILD WOULD WILLINGLY START A FIGHT WITH AN OPPONENT HE or SHE KNOWS WILL WIN!

Children respond for their own reasons. They have a purpose. Their purpose is usually in line with how they feel they BELONG within the family. It is not to be right, or to win, or to show you that you are stupid, or anything like that. It is how they are beginning to identify themselves.

So it may SEEM as if the kids are doing this intentionally, but I assure you, they are NOT. They are not DOING THIS TO YOU.

When children respond to our directing, correcting….etc., it could easily stop there if we see that they are responding negatively. But what generally happens is that we take this as a JUSTIFICATION for going in full throttle and beating the crap out of them

How to Avoid Power Struggles.

• Decide you will NOT take advantage of someone who is smaller, younger and weaker than you.
• Decide that you will MODEL self control and walk away as soon as you catch yourself – no matter how far into the power struggle you are
• Give kids time to respond before you start rushing them.
• Do not jump to conclusions.
• Set Realistic Expectations. We expect more from our kids then from ourselves.
• Remember that YOU are the only person who can stop a Power Struggle. The child has NO idea what is really going on.

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