Week Six: Your First Relationship Strategy!
Many of you commented several weeks ago regarding the 4 Mistaken Goals of Behavior and how much clarity you gained from understanding that:
1. You were spending time and energy on symptoms.
2. Taking the time to identify the real problem increased your confidence and opened up possibilities in terms of solutions.
Overriding awareness came from the idea that paying attention to how you “feel” when your children make mischief is the key to changing the dynamic between you and your kids in a positive, pro-active and sustainable way.
This week I introduced the idea of building a bridge between useless and useful behavior.
Here is a recap:
- From Attention to Cooperation by showing true and honest interest in your child each and every day.
- From Power to Respons-ability by inviting your children to do as much as they can for themselves and for the family.
- From Revenge to Contributing to the success of the family by showing your children that they matter to you for who they are today, just as they are.
- From Avoidance to Resilient by showing faith in your children when they are challenged and when they succeed.
This powerful relationship tools is sure to provide hours of both fun and some head-scratching as you begin to develop a rhythm for how to use it most effectively with your children.
So here are the questions:
- How will you show your child that your interested in who they are and in what is important to them?
- How will you invite your child more actively into their own lives?
- How will you send the message to your child that they matter to you and that they are good enough as they are?
- How will show faith in your child, even before they deserve that faith?
Have a great week.
This strategy was developed by Drs Betty Lou Bettner and Amy Lew, for more information on this relationship strategy please visit connexions press.
Posted in MomTV
[...] Six: The Cruicial C’s Mom TV last night was great again. We learned about relationship strategies. I am really so excited [...]
Teenager 17 years old – I send the message that she matters to me by staying when the going gets rough. Yes, I set boundaries – she cannot drive if she will not obey the rules and focus on driving #1. Not music, not cell phone, not peers walking on the street. The Driving needs to be her main focus. When it is not, she cannot drive. I tell her to pull over and I take over. There are consequences to this for me. She throws huge temper tantrums just like she did when she was 5! Only now they are abusive towards me, filled with swearing and yelling and derogatory statements about my ability to drive and exist on this earth. I don’t say a word. I just stay there (don’t have a choice – we are in the car in the middle of the highway!), I do NOT respond. I have learned the hard way that any response only feeds the fury in her. It peters out and then we are stuck with each other in silence. Its not easy, but I am realizing we are both learning how to be with each other. It takes practice. Later, much later, when it stays quiet, I think of something I like about her and tell her – “I saw your artwork on the wall. Its really good. You have got talent.” That’s it. No response and I don’t want or expect one. Its true – her artwork IS amazing! I never knew that about her before. We get home, she cooks a huge supper, offers it to me. Its done, we’re back to normal. Whew! And I wonder how many times am I going to have to do this? As many as it takes, I think.
Sending you love and light. As many as it takes. Yes.
Haven’t blogged lately because I was away on vacation AND I missed last week’s broadcast, but I’ve got lots of things brewing in my head to write about soon! I just watched the recording, and here are my initial thoughts for my family.
I have only been thinking about this for the last half hour or so, but doing so has been POWERFUL to show me what I am not doing as a parent and how that is manifesting itself in my kids beliefs about themselves.
Connection:
with K – give full attention when she is playing her instrument, as if I am at a concert. Offer to help her study for tests, and DON’T multi-task while we are doing it. Most important with K, as she is an attention child.
with D – get involved when he is playing with the baby. Ask him to propose an activity that he would like to do one-on-one with me (we currently avoid one-on-one time together because we really don’t like each other very much!)
with A – already have this one covered :)
Capable:
K – ask her to teach me how she gets the 2yo to get dressed. stop reminding
D – invite him to participate more often. stop reminding. ask Dad to stop interfering. stop putting him down and ask Dad to do the same. Very important, as he is a power child.
A – don’t offer help when he hasn’t asked for it. invite him to take on more responsibility for self-care.
Counts:
K – stop freaking out when she is careless, as that is when she demonstrates revenge through her “i don’t care” attitude.
D, K, A – tell them more often that I love them and I’m glad THEY are my kids and that my life wouldn’t be the same without them. be more affectionate.
Courage:
D, K – notice their strengths. NOTICE when they are solving problems for themselves and point it out to the kids and to my husband
Deep breath… this is a lot to take on! But I feel empowered by having done just this step. Can’t wait to get started!
Oh gosh, this is wonderful. Lots of clarity. Print this out and read it each morning. it will become the fuel that fires a loving heart.
Vicki
Haven’t quite figured out trackback yet. So, here is the link to my thoughts on how to begin with the C’s: http://shiftandtweak.wordpress.com/2010/02/24/c-is-for/