Week One – Observations and New Information
Thank you for joining us last night on MomTV. We had a lively group with lots of bantering back and forth. If you want to facilitate change in your family and raise capable, cooperative, respectful, resilient, responsible, and empathetic children in the 21st Century, this week will provide you with a new perspective about your children and yourself, as a parent, If you choose not to do this week’s homework, you will be trying new strategies with the same old information and frankly – it just won’t work.
So – on the show, everyone made a list of all the things they do as parents that interfere with the parent/child relationship and your child’s developing independence and self-esteem.
Here are some examples from the list of interfering strategies:
- Bribing
- Yelling
- Nagging
- Reminding
- Time-out
- Punishing
- Counting
- Bossing
- Doing For
- Rewarding
The Question for you to answer this week is:
When you stop using the interfering strategies listed above (and if yours is not on the list, let us know and we will add it) for 1, 2, 3, 5 or 7 days, what do you learn about your children and yourself as a parent?
Now if it’s physically and/or morally dangerous do whatever you have to do to jump in and stop the action. In all the other moments, we challenge you to discover what your children do when you change what you do. Don’t panic! The goal is not that chaos takes over your home, the goal is that you gain new information about the amazing children that you are living with and discover your starting place for making changes.
Thanks and if you have any questions, post them here too.
Be well,
Vicki
PS: If you wish to qualify for our contest, when you post here please include your MomTV screen name and your Twitter account name, so we can verify you have fulfilled the contest requirements.
Posted in MomTV
Hi Vicki! So much food for thought. I started a blog last week, http://thetransformationsnowball.blogspot.com/2010/01/introducing-participants.html
I don’t do Twitter. I’m more interested in your comments on the blog posts than in any prizes. I’m debolino on MomTV. Here we go!
Just found your blog. Thanks for providing the link. Will be fun to travel along with you.
Welcome. This is going to be quite a journey. It was fun having you on the show last week.
Remember to pace yourself. You can get burn out quickly if you don’t.
I will look forward to both your posts here and on your blog where I suspect you will share all the juicy details.
Vicki
Hello again Vicki,
I am so ready for this DNSN week! Took the 6 week class one year ago, and have been on-and-off over the year. I don’t Twitter either, but I’m tealara on MomTV. I have the home program, and look forward to your in-person comments most of all during this renewal of my POT practice!
I initially had an entire re-cap of the morning here, but I my head started spinning with all the information. I can summarize with this: I was surprised with the abilities of my 20 mo old (Izzy) and the responsiveness of my 4 yo (G.) My behavior? Better than most days, but still way too involved.
I woke up early this morning in anticipation of a tough one. I did pretty well at first, but lost focus as the morning wore on…. I had difficulty controlling myself a number of times: waking up G (but no reminding after that, and he came down in plenty of time to eat – surprise) asking him if he was ready to put on coat and boots (while he’s standing next to me in pj’s… answer: ‘no, I have to get dressed’ and did it – surprise) and finally asking, as he’s getting into the car, if he thought he might want his snow pants today (big issue with child care provider – more on this later, I’m sure.)
I discovered an interesting manipulation I used today, while trying to control my urge to ask G 50 times if he would get dressed: As I started getting ready to leave, Izzy asked to put on snowsuit and boots, etc (I did help with this…?) I’m talking to him about how he’ll have time to play outside while I’m getting everything into the car; asking if he wants to use his shovel… all the time G is standing next to us (still in pj’s) and the later aha was that, really, I wasn’t talking to Izzy, but to G. This is when I asked if he wanted to get into his coat etc, and he ran to get dressed.
Here’s the good news: no tantrums (mine, I mean) which is pretty big. I get very stressed out in the mornings, paranoid about being late for work (I have an hour-long commute,) and we end up with a fiasco. I was SO thrilled that G came down (without reminding – HUGE for me) and that made it easier for me to relax for the rest of the morning. My major realization for today: waking up earlier makes a difference in my experience of the morning. Duh. Gotta do it every day. Also, I suspect there’s more ‘doing for’ going on then I realize with Izzy. I’ll look for that tomorrow.
I’ll soon be heading home for the evening routine. Looking forward to it, and to another chance tomorrow.
Thanks for the incentive to start again!
Great post and great awareness as to whats “really” going on in your house. Congrats. Will be fun to see how this unfolds. Do keep me posted. Even if it is just a few lines about what you are learning and what is changing.
I love, love, love, hearing. Never get tired of it.
V
Hi Vicki,
My momtv username is lorila6
I’ve started posting about our journey this week at: http://lorisideas.blogspot.com/ (my apologies that Day 1 post is really, really long!). I loved our kids reactions when I told them about our class & homework – uniformly positive! We’ve been doing a partial do nothing, say nothing over the past couple of months, but not really fully embracing it until now. I’m looking forward to the next 12 weeks and a better interactions with my kids for life! For myself I’m struggling with not “doing for” our 2 year old – he can’t do a lot yet and it’s just so much faster and easier. I know that is what training is for (I can’t wait till we get to that!!).
hi Vicki, I use Sillymom on MomTV, I am from CT. I decided at the very last minute, I mean Sunday afternoon that I was going to watch your show on Monday. I had perviously heard so much about you from our Mom’s Group here in CT where you had met some of them last year. Well, because it was so last minute, I had no chance to prep my husband and ask for his buy-in… he is so busy with grad school that he only lasted 10 minutes on the show before his mind traveled elseware. I filled him in by sending him a quick email (yes, this is truely how we communicate sometimes) of the homework assignment.
So, I knew that I was not going to be able to institute the ignore and observe strategy. However, I did do the list, and just that alone was enough to impact me yesterday. I was simply paying attention to how OFTEN I used the interfereing stategies with my two boys A (3 1/2) and T (1 1/2)… boy we spend our whole evenings just yelling at and reminding them, and putting into time-out (which does no good!) We are FT working parents, so the little time we spend together, is so precious… and we spend the whole time arguing with them!!
So, at the end of the night I just looked at my husband, we were so exhausted. He must have read my email, because he said… “ok, ok, we will try it next week!” YEAH!
Welcome Lori & Julie. This is going to be a fun ride.
At the end of the week, before Monday Night, come back and answer the question in 3 sentences.
For example: I learned that I am afraid of what will happen if I do not control every minute of my child’s life. I learned that my kids are becoming “mom-deaf” because I talk all the time. I will use this information to ……
Have a fabulous day.
Vicki
When I told the kids we were going to do the DNSN week, S was very excited! She said, “Yes, it’s a free week!” I’m sure I said something to her about that and reminded her that it meant I wasn’t going to remind her about stuff either. Then she became discouraged. How about that for shooting myself in the foot. I told her about it before Monday’s show, but really I’m just talk way too much. So she was down cast about it all weekend. She kept asking when it was going to start and if I would this or that. Tuesday morning I reexplained what we were doing and that it didn’t mean we weren’t going to do stuff for them or stop talking to them, just that we were going to stop doing the stuff that didn’t work.
Tuesday morning was a bit touch and go. I woke the girls up (I’ve tested this and they really can’t get themselves up alone even with an alarm clock and they go to bed at 7 so I can’t really change that.) Made sure they were good and awake and left. The girls (7 & 4) wouldn’t get out of bed. Slowly got dressed. The time was ticking away. It was driving me CRAZY. The S (7) kicked into high gear. She cried. She whined. She would come into whatever room I was in and start fighting with her sister. She kept coming upstairs while I was getting the baby ready and asking this or that, with tears and whining. With all the fighting I knew I was going to snap, so I asked them nicely to leave. “Just one more chance!?” (whiny & tears) No, I gently directed them out of the room. They came back. I shut the door. They opened it. I shut it again and then there was going to be power struggle between she and I with the door so I sat down in front of it to nurse the baby. That went on for a bit and then she finally stormed off saying, “IF I’M LATE IT’S YOUR FAULT!” Good try. No dice.
Now it was time to leave. I came down stairs and started getting my stuff on. We walk and it’s cold. But when they see me putting my stuff on the freak out. “Please don’t leave without me!” You can see what happens nearly every morning. Everyone barely moves until I start putting my stuff on and then they freak and want me to help them do everything. I ask S to let me know when she’s just about ready to go so I can get the baby ready with him overheating while we wait. We were late, but only by 20 minutes. Not too bad. I talked to her teacher and let her know what was going on.
This morning dawned. It’s new day. I was going to talk to her about how the morning felt and what she wanted to do different. (Is that cheating??) But I didn’t remember until this morning. I decided not to bring it up and to see what happened. We had breakfast together this morning (different than yesterday) so maybe that made a difference. Things went pretty well. Much smoother than yesterday. We had a few kinks, but overall things went well. And we got to school on time!
The house is trashed because they don’t clean up much. The table didn’t get set before dinner. But once we all sat down S remembered she needed to do that and got up and did it. A did not remember to clear the table DH did that.
A has started to pout more. Walk away and go to her room pouting. She saying she’ll be my best friend if…. She even went so far as to say she loved everyone but me. She also has a tendency to scream when it’s time to go. Because she’s never ready and holds everyone up with her waiting until the last minute to do stuff.
I haven’t been perfect. I am bossy. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut when I see them doing what they do and time is running out. And I have badgered and saved for too long. Now they expect me to remind them all the time. Bought a timer and said they could use it if they wanted. I have started to say stuff and stopped myself mid sentence. So there you have it and day and a half in. Boy this is hard!
Okay, you needn’t give a play by play. It’s okay to sum up what you are learning. So make a list, right now.
This is what I learned about myself. and then list them
This is what I learned about each child – then make a list.
When you have the list in front of you, you will start to see a pattern emerge.
V
tonight I learned that a little red wine goes a long way – I got a sense of humor and we had a blast despite the mess
LOL. I learned that when my kids were young as well. One parent told me years ago, that he thought this was a parenting program that WOULDN’T include alcohol just to get through the night. But that was before he did the DNSN week.
Have fun and do keep me posted.
Vicki
I don’t drink, but I think a bottle of wine might help me through DNSN week. Right now I’m biting my tongue and waiting for my child to get ready for bed.
He’s letting the Ben & Jerry’s melt! What do I do?! She’s eating all the days-old food off the floor! Just kidding, we are doing great – really happy, lots of successes, lots of training needs identified. The best part is Toby’s pride when he accomplishes something for the first time.
Interesting, it has become a big training week – by his initiative, not mine. When confronted with the need for a skill he doesn’t have yet, he asks me to teach him. When I say I don’t know how to do that without breaking the rules, he gives me a suggestion. I’m just giddy.
All that stuff about the food is true, of course. And the food mess is the only part that is really tough for me.
I realized that motivators which seem self-evident to me may not be relevant to my children.
I learned that DNSN is barely conceivable out in the public sphere.
I came to understand my belief about staying with a child while they are crying – that it expresses caring. Which makes walking away from the crying feel like I’m showing them I don’t care about them – I feel guilty and I worry about its effect on them. This awareness helps me figure out how to walk away and express caring at the same time.
I am finding it harder than I thought to back off. I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. I’m finding it difficult to find the balance in meeting their needs and keeping the 1 year old safe.
I’m finding it hard to incorporate the new things he is learning to do without reminding/helping/ etc him. Added to the fun is we are homeschooling, and so it’s also hard to keep that realm separate.
I am excited. And my husband even watched the show too! That was pretty cool. And he’s reminded me about things you have said as well.
KellyS on momtv
Lots of learning to go on here. I will talk about this week at the beginning of the show tonight. I think it will help if I share information I have picked up over the last 20 years of asking people to do this. Nice job ladies. Enjoy the day.
Vicki
This week, I identified control as my primary parenting perspective. At the beginning of the week, ignoring felt like a form of control in itself. As the week wore on, I was tenuously (at moments) able to shift my perspective and separate my experience from that of my children. At those times, I found that even during their times of emotional tumult, I was more grounded and less stressed.
I noticed my 4 year old’s need for constant attention, in whatever form he is able to attract it. I also watched him oscillate between doing for himself and feigning inability when seeking attention.
I recognized my 20 month old’s desire and ability to do anything I let him and, on the flip side, his complete compliance when I take over.
As a relevant aside, we spent the weekend with my parents (DNSN there was more than a bit challenging) where I became ill with a 24-hour bug which had me in bed. Consequently, my mother took a primary parenting role with my boys. It was quite interesting to watch some of my parenting approaches in action from the sidelines, particularly during this watchful week. Very illuminating.
Natanya,
Great noticing. This information will serve you well in the coming weeks. Be sure to keep these observations handy so that as you begin to create a plan for yourself, you can refer to your starting place and all you learned.
Vicki
I’m lorila6 on momtv.
What I learned about my kids…
- my 11 year old does not see himself as a contributor in this household. I learned that he tries to boost himself up by insulting, pestering, laughing at, and yelling at his siblings. He doesn’t believe in himself.
- my 9 year old is a strong contributer and is willing to step up and take on responsibility in the household, but needs training in some areas. And she stops contributing when she is discouraged.
- my 2 year old is capable, but often unwilling. He needs to be provided the correct incentive to complete a task. My 9yo is better at providing incentives for him than I am.
What I learned about myself…
I don’t like the person my 11yo has become which makes it difficult for me to encourage him. I am unable to ignore or walk away when my 2yo cries or whines for my attention. I don’t teach my 2yo everything I should as a method of controlling his behavior (for example, I don’t teach him how to get himself a snack so that I can control what he eats.) I learned that the thing that causes me the most stress in my household is when the kids do not do what I ask them to (and then ask them again and again). When I stop asking them and being ignored, I feel less angry and much more relaxed.
I will use this information to:
- stop asking the kids to do all the things they already know they have to do. Instead, provide incentives so that they will want to do them without needing to be reminded.
- work on encouraging D and building his confidence in himself. To help me remember to encourage rather than praise, I will draw up a list of encouraging phrases I can use.
- develop strategies to help me not respond when A cries and whines
WOW! This is amazing. Just amazing. WOW. I can’t wait to see what happens next. WOW!!!
Following last Monday’s MOM TV webinar, I feel very motivated to make changes and improve our somewhat strained family dynamic. The promise of being “more present” with my kids makes me sadly aware that the days and years are flying by, and that I’m missing so many opportunities to be in the present, and laugh and have fun with my kids.
Keeping a personal journal this week has really helped me to pay attention to their “useless behavior” and my “interfering strategies”. I became increasingly aware of the control battle which exists between my 6 yo son and myself. I dig my heals, give my orders, and am typically not willing to budge because I feel the need to demonstrate that I am the one in control. This in turn causes him to dig in his heals, and we often don’t find a common ground.
I am fully aware that bribing, lecturing, nagging and yelling are very ineffective, however I’m still holding on to “counting”. Simply slowly saying 1 – 2 – 3, to either of them seems to stop the unwanted behavior, without having to nag, yell etc.
One of my son’s occasional useless behaviors that I really don’t know how to handle is his walking away and/or covering his ears when I try to talk to him (in a calm voice) about something of importance. I suppose I should ignore him, and try to restart the conversation later? Oh, but it makes me so mad!
One other “A Ha” moment worth mentioning: Vicki’s principles also apply in the relationship from older child to younger sibling. I’ve been encouraging my 6 yo to “teach” his 2 yo sister. It has been very effective thus far. When he is in teaching mode he takes the high road with her, and stops his incessant teasing and taunting (which is his typical MO).
Conflict between my 2 kids is one of my biggest concerns that I’d like to address. I’d like to learn how to teach them to resolve their own conflicts, and have more fun together . .but attempts thus far have not been very successful.
I agree with one of the other posts that wine (for me!)helps to reduce their whining, because I regain my sense of humor and light heartedness. But I need some additional tools to regain my sense of humor for before 5pm!
Overall, it has been a rollercoaster ride this week. Sometimes I’ve felt very encouraged by the possibility of change, and other times I’ve felt very unequipped to make the changes.
I’m looking forward to tonight!
My MomTV screenname is “elizbade”
I watched tonight’s show live, but was unable to post comments. I tried repeatedly to login in order to post a live comment, but it wouldn’t accept my username and password. Can anyone help? Thanks.
Hi Betsy,
We will forward your question to Steph at MomTV and give her your email address to reply to. Sound good? Thanks- Jennifer
Betsy,
I just skip the user name and password. It always denies me too. Just put in a chat name and hit chat. That always works for me. I don’t think you have to log in with your user name and a password. Hope it works next week. :) See you there!
Thank you Sarah!
[...] So I’m a week late to the game but I’m pretty sure I can catch up! Last week was Do Nothing, Say Nothing week for the program. I’ve always been deathly afraid of this week and pretty much skipped it the [...]
ok, finally getting on the twitter bandwagon so I can spread the word AND win some Vicki swag :)
My MomTV name – lorila7 ; Twitter name – lstethers
Okay Lori, so what’s Vicki swag? I want to make sure you get some. Thanks for all the great stuff on your site and for tweeting. You rock.
V