Week Two – Buttons? What Buttons!
Hardly a day goes by when I don’t hear some parent exclaim “Johhny knows just how to push my buttons!”
Listen folks, we have no buttons. We were not born with buttons and we did not grow them somewhere on our body during adolescence. We have NO buttons. What we do have are some pretty wacky beliefs about children and the things they do. Sometimes, the things kids do, can send us into ORBIT. We momentary lose all sense of reason and believe that- WE MUST DO SOMETHING – about this particularly naughty behavior. When our children do the thing that sends us into orbit, we at Parenting On Track™ call that the Activating Event.
Some common activating events are:
- Hitting a sibling or friend
- Telling a lie
- Failing a class
- Being disrespectful to adults
- Losing things
- Whining or Crying
- Wearing dirty clothes
- Not brushing teeth or hair
The list goes on and can be different for every parent and every family. Each child is unique, each parent is unique and each family is unique.
When dealing with Activating Events, most parents exclaim, “Yea but, how do I get him to stop hitting his sister?” or “Yea, but how do I get him to do his homework?” OR “How do I get her to keep track of her stuff? Or brush her hair?”
Here is my answer:
You already know how to “get” your kids to do these things. That’s not the problem. The problem is that
- It only works for about two minutes
- You feel crummy about how you GOT the child to do what you wanted.
At Parenting On Track™ we teach parents how to answer a different question.
Here it is: “What will it take for my child to find the courage to walk away? To find the courage to tell the truth? To create the discipline to choose to study?”
So this week the Questions for you to answer are:
- What will it take for my child to…(whatever is the opposite of your activating event)?
- What will it take for me, the parent, to create an environment for my child to develop…(whatever the character trait is that you listed above)?
Please post what you learn about your child and yourself this week in the comments below.
To read my personal journey through the 12 weeks of the program, visit my blog at www.vickihoefle.wordpress.com.
Posted in MomTV
Would you give some examples of how you invite that 1-year-old to be a full participating member in family life and work? Thanks.
I know a lot of parents here have young children and I applaud you for doing this work now! You will be so glad you did when they are teenagers. This has been so valuable to me to help me reframe the question “how do I stop my 17 year old from doing drugs or drinking and not taking responsibility for her life and running away from everything” to “What will it take for me to create an environment for my child to feel safe enough to face life and respect herself and that gives her the freedom (freedom is the most important word to her) to be herself?” Because the only real control I have is the environment I create in my own home. Thanks Vicki!
Oh Jasmine,
Nice to hear from you. Big love to all of you. Would love to touch base if you get a chance. Thanks for sharing the way you re-framed this.
Big Love.
[...] to week two – which is about your activating Buttons. Read about week two here. But those of you who don’t have time to click (me!), the gist of it is [...]
There’s definitely something around noodling that sends me skyward. What I have noticed is that the noodling activates my anxiety about being late, holding to my responsibilities (getting to work on time) and moving with purpose toward an end goal. My real fear for them in this scenario is that they’ll end up with goal-oriented anxiety the way I have. The belief, I think, is that kids who drag their feet turn into adults who procrastinate and don’t have productive lives.
So, taking everything into consideration, I think the question here is: what will it take for my children to choose to be productive in their lives, while still allowing space for creativity and exploration?
Another big activating event I run up against daily is aggressive fighting. Bickering I can handle. But when the pushing and kicking starts, when the claws and sticks come out, I hit the ceiling. The story? Fear that they will never learn to control these impulses. I think this partially speaks to the blind rage I experience when I run up against an activating event, although my response is not a physical but an emotional lashing out (no less, and potentially more, harmful.) In the mix is a concern that the physical aggression will somehow keep them from developing respect and closeness as they grow up. There’s a story about my sibling relationship in there for sure.
The question here then becomes: what will it take for my children to respect each other and to resolve their disagreements peacefully?
I’ll be diving into all this, and have a bit more to share when I emerge.
I have been reading forum posts this weekend… so helpful.
This week has been challenging. I continue to identify buttons, no time to ABCDE them all, and a bit overwhelmed by the sheer number.
I figured the most productive way forward would be to focus on practicing one change in perspective for the week. That would be: A: aggressive fighting B: if they fight like this now, they will always use this method of arguing and won’t have productive and fulfilling relationships… ; parents of kids who fight like this must be neglecting some important disciplinary tactics (failing to ‘control’ their kids) C: interfering: offering solutions, removing object of dispute, punishing, engaging. D: they are negotiating their relationship, learning who they and each other are in the family. Also, they may be vying for attention. E: I love my kids and want the best for them. They will take time to figure this out, and I can model better behavior and encourage their thoughtful ways of being.
What I keep coming back to is that the best thing I can do right now to help them learn how to manage their anger and frustration is to control my own. Certainly it’s challenging enough to keep me focused for a while. Seems obvious but really, it’s a revelation.
Oh those buttons.
Of course it’s a revelation. That’s how it works. So, so simple when you see it that it changes EVERYTHING in an instant. It seems so complicated before you see it.
If we could just learn to slow down and use the information in front of us. To think about what we want and what things mean to us, we would certainly experience much more clarity.
You have lots of time, so go slow and ground your learning before you move on to something else.
Vicki
Okay, I have issues. The basis of MY buttons revolve around my control issues. As I look deeper into my past I can see why I have the buttons I have. Interestingly enough, most of the stuff that drives me crazy is stuff that I did when I was little. Huh. And when I let go of control the issue has a tendency to disappear.
The other thing I learn this week is the value of ABCDE. I know about it, but have had a hard time doing it in my head and I haven’t taken the time to actually do it until this week. I have started doing it on my blog, thinking there was no way I’d be able to dispute this or that button. Then I’d start blogging it and low and behold the advantage of the button would reveal itself to me. Re framing my buttons and what is really happening and why is helping me to be more compassionate with my kids.
I found this “homework” more difficult than last week. There are different buttons for each child, particularly since there is a 4 year age difference (ages 6 and 2), so I tried to find a common “button”. I feel that I need help honing in on the second part of the question.
What will it take for my child to . . . enjoy each other’s company and have fun together more often, i.e. appreciate and ,cooperate with each other (share, interact in a fun ways, be kind to each other, help each other)?
What will it take for me to create an environment for my child to develop tolerance and appreciation for one another and learn manners?
Interestingly, I found it much easier to identify my buttons as they relate to one of my family members. This family member is a kind loving person who is very close to my kids, and always wants to help. But her ongoing gestures to “help with the kids” despite how trivial they are, drive me crazy. I wrongly interpret her acts of kindness as criticisms of my parenting. Why do you bring snacks to my son’s soccer game for him? Do you think I won’t remember to bring them?
Looking forward to tonight.
This assignment was tough. It seems there are sooo many different buttons once you start looking! And I am not really sure if I am approaching the questions in the right way (this seems quite different from the ABCDE approach I see others talking about)
Button #1: Lying & lies of omission
K doesn’t tend to lie to cover up a mistake or avoid taking responsibility (at least not often). I think the main reason K lies is to feel important and feel included. So, we need to give her more attention when she is telling the truth, make her feel important and included more of the time.
Button #2: Blaming others & not taking responsibility for your actions
Oh, this one is so hard.
The way it goes down is usually something like this:
“D, I noticed you miss the bus this morning. Do you need to set your alarm for an earlier time?”
“That bus driver hates me! She never waits for me!”
“It’s not the driver’s fault that you missed the bus”
“I hate her! We need a new bus driver!”
And at this point my “Blame Button” is fully depressed. I just want him to take responsibility and say “Yes, I missed the bus. I will set my alarm earlier tomorrow,” but instead we end up in a shouting match.
So, stopping myself from mentioning/noticing/reminding about things is one part of this. Zip it, Mom! Does solve the problem? I think it may be just going around it. I am really struggling with answering the “what would it take …” for this button!
Button #3: Laziness/lack of effort (not doing your work, not making an effort to do it well, not trying to think of a solution before asking for help)
What would it take for me to create an environment where D & K always want to try their best?
Incentive and encouragement.
Button #4: Timeliness – being late, making others wait for you
What would it take for me to create an environment where my husband always wants to be on time?
Thinking this one over, I don’t think I need to create this environment for my husband. People don’t always have to be on time. There are times when it is okay to be late, or at least it’s not as big a deal as I make it. I need to deactivate this button, make it less sensitive.
Hi. WOW. Awesome stuff here. Ah yes. You parents seem to think you are so smart that you can merely hear me TALK about a concept and you magically get it. But on further examination, you recognize that if you don’t DO the work, you won’t actually get any results. Now you know. Now you know why my life works so well. I WORK AT IT. I don’t think about it and wonder about it. I work at it. And yes, to become a compassionate mom. Heaven. Heaven. Heaven. See you tonight.
Hey Betsy,
I think you are onto it, but it might not feel real “deep” at this point. Stay with it. It will come.
And yes, interesting that having someone else “help” with the kids activates you towards feeling like maybe she thinks you aren’t a good mom. I wonder if that pops up when kids behave in certain ways. Do good mom’s have kids who behave in certain ways? HMMM.
See you tonight.
Lori – Interesting stuff. I will come back to it later. You are new to the program and I think the “buttons” will make more sense when you watch Chapter 2. Then come back and read this post. It’s pretty powerful and full of lots of information that will be helpful moving forward.