Shades of Grey
There are many things in life that are black and white. Parenting isn’t one of them. Not all of the strategies we talk about here at Parenting On Track™ work the same way for every child, or every family, and everyone’s kids are at a different places when it comes to training. That’s why, when it comes to training your children to participate more fully in their own lives, we recommend creating, maintaining, and USING a timeline.
By creating a timeline, individualized for your children, you can
- track where your child is today in terms of skill development
- identify what areas require additional training
- relax, with the confidence that your children are becoming capable, cooperative, responsible and respectful
Many of you started your timelines with the first week of the program when you spent a good deal of time just watching your children to see what they were already capable of. From there you had the information you needed to identify areas that required additional training. For the next couple of weeks, we are going to use the feature article to explore what a timeline for training means for each specific age group of children.
Today we are going to focus on ages 0 to 9 and what it means to be in charge of oneself at that age. For this age group, it is best to focus first on self skills and second on life skills. Some self skills that you can start them with are
- getting up on their own
- getting dressed
- taking showers/baths
- making their beds
- making breakfast
- packing backpacks
Kids can be all over the place when it comes to their self-skills. For example, I have a friend who’se three and five year olds make their own lunches – everyday. I have another friend who’se three year old is not quite there, yet.
Once your children master self skills, you can then move on to life skills, for example
- doing laundry
- cleaning bathrooms
- learning how to cook
- organizing time
- answering phones
Lots of parents I have talked to have great ideas on how to make mastering these skills easier. For example, one family I know moved all of their plates and glasses to the lower cabinets to make it easier for their youngest child to empty a clean dishwasher or set the table. You could also dedicate a low shelf of your pantry or refrigerator to healthy snacks so that your child can decide what and when to eat; or buy inexpensive, non-toxic cleaners that your children can use without you hovering over them for fear of their safety.
For more examples of how one mom rearranged her household in order to begin training her children check out http://parentingontracktales.wordpress.com . We’d love to hear from you if you have any additional ideas that have worked with training your children. Learning what works for other parents might help you to navigate through your particular shade of grey.
Posted in Discovery
I wanted to share with you the experience I had this morning. It started with the alarm going off. My daughter (7) doesn’t really wake up to her alarm. So I went in to open the blinds and to tell her it was time to wake up. She had a really hard time getting up this morning. She was really tired. So I made sure she was awake enough, told her I was not going to wake her again.
I decided that today I was going to everything I could not to badger and nag her like I do most mornings. I got in the shower, got out, got ready myself, and went down stairs. She was still in bed and it was 7:15. Now that it is cold and dark in the morning she doesn’t want to get out of bed and complains about being cold. I understand that. But we have to walk out the door for school by 7:50 to get to school in time. I pressed my lips together and did what I needed to do to be ready in time.
She slowly came downstairs at almost 7:30. Argh… I almost opened my mouth, but didn’t. She wanted to talk and she doesn’t seem to be able to do that and anything else at the same time. I did tell her she could keep talking but she needed to do other things at the same time.
I continued to do what I needed to do, she kept doing what she needed to do. She came up to brush her teeth as I was getting the baby dressed. She was Brushing her teeth as I was walking down to get ready to get in the car. I was waking out the door to put the other 2 in the car as she was loading her backpack and getting her shoes on. Normally, I would be “encouraging” (read nagging) her to get moving. But I didn’t, I just kept moving. Normally, when I nag, she gets upset and begins to get negative and upset. Today she just stayed focused and got the job done. I decided I would just get in the car and wait for her to be there. She got in the car and we were ready to go at 7:51. I can’t believe it. She short changed herself so many minutes and she was still ready on time!! When I dropped her off she said, “Oh, no snack today. I forgot to pack one.” Just matter of factly, no tantrum. When the mood is already darkened, by me, she fusses and cries about it.
So a quick run down. Me+ no nagging+ patience= happy, un-pressured daughter who is ready in time!
This is what I have wanted morning to be like. I was always so worried about her not getting to eat, going unprepared, forgetting things, not brushing her teeth. In the end none of that matters. Like you always say, it’s the relationship that matters most. When I choose not to fight or badger or nag I am choosing the relationship. She was in charge of herself this morning and everything worked out better than when I get involved! As I just step out of the way things work out the way I wanted them to all along!
I did ask her what time it was a couple of times. BUT both times I really could see a clock. I do admit that I did do it partly to get her to be aware of the time, but it was for me as much as for her. Usually I remind her to keep track of her time. This worked much better. :)
Thank you again for sharing the skills with me!
Hallelujah Sista.
Gosh, it takes so much courage for parents to step out of the way. And look what happens. Congratulations. Now, be prepared for some slipping backwards and do not pay any attention to it.
Now that you know she CAN, set that image in your mind and do not, under any circumstances, let it go. Keep it. Keep seeing this capable child repeating this exercise in independence until that is who she becomes.
Oh the joy of parenthood. Thank you so much for sharing.
V
“She short changed herself so many minutes and she was still ready on time!!” I laughed out loud in recognition when I read this. My 7 yr. old must be your daughter’s soul mate, from the hating the cold to making rapid-fire decisions in time-management that enable her to meet the bus every time! I love Flockmother’s phrase “In girls we trust”. Thank you for writing your post, soul-mother:-)