Ice cream—anytime, any flavor; own personal chef, swimming pool, movie theater and bowling alley. These things might make me relax my parenting a little—how about you?

I recently read an article about how President and Mrs. Obama plan to continue to enforce “the old rules” with their daughters despite the fact that they now live in the White House with a staff of people to cater to their smallest whims (see the Swarns article below). Without getting into the details of the article, I think what Swarns was trying to say is that the Obamas are not willing to give up their own personal Parenting Style amid the splendors of the White House. Kudos to them!

The Parenting On Track™ Program defines Parenting Styles in three ways: Authoritarian, Permissive and Democratic. Here are the definitions—see which one defines you.

Authoritarian Parenting styles can best be described as order without freedom in the house. And before I talk about what it looks like, let me first say that parents can gravitate towards this style of parenting for a couple of really good reasons.

1. They think it is a way to keep their kids safe, and
2. They really believe that after all these years on the planet, they have a lot of great information to share with their children.

Authoritarian parenting is usually about controlling the situation; tightening up on the boundaries around children;and oftentimes, when parents use discipline strategies, there is a real sense of punishment at the end of them because there’s this belief that if the kids don’t suffer, just a little bit, it’s not really working.

The effects of Authoritarian parenting are that you limit your children’s ability to practice, to get comfortable, to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes. So, the children leave the house and go out into the world and a couple of things happen.

1. They can start to become sneaky.
2. They can become rebellious.
3. They lack the confidence to do anything, and they become easy targets, in terms of being bullied, because they haven’t been allowed to develop a voice in their family.

Permissive Parenting Style is the opposite of Authoritarian and can be defined as freedom without order. For these parents, childhood is seen as something that is short and should be enjoyed. It’s very difficult for these parents to

1. Set boundaries, and
2. Hold their children accountable to them. They justify their actions (or inaction) with the excuse that it is “just this once.”

The effects of Permissive parenting are that it’s very stressful for children living in an environment where there are no boundaries. These kids tend to be very over-indulged and pampered and get whatever they want. Their parents will do whatever they can to avoid an upset child or a child who is distraught or crying, and this leads to children who believe that rules don’t apply to them and that the world owes them something.

We don’t anticipate that we will land in either one of these parenting styles, but oftentimes that’s where parents find themselves. And, usually, there is a moment where parents say, “This is not what I wanted. This is not what I was looking for. When I was rocking that baby, I imagined different conversations. I imagined myself supporting choices and looking forward to learning opportunities and knowing my kids were going to make mistakes. How do I get to be THAT parent?”

THAT parent is the Democratic parent. Democratic parenting is freedom with order. It is respect for me, as the adult, and respect for the child, as the child, and respect for the family as a whole. It is about creating mutually respectful dialogue, agreements, family dynamics and communication style. It is about encouraging independence in our children and also maintaining safety and honoring who we are as the parents of these children who are experiencing independence.

The effects of Democratic parenting are children who are allowed to experience their lives more fully. They are given the freedom to learn from their mistakes when mistakes are small and inconsequential, and then learn to answer the question, now what? It shows that you have faith in yourself, respect for your child’s choices, and you are able to model encouragement, support, and the attitude of—I believe in you.

Do each one of us fall into all three of these categories at some point in time? Of course. Can you learn and practice strategies that will help you to fall into the Democratic parenting style more often than not? Yes you can.

For more information on all three parenting styles and strategies that support Democratic parenting, see the Parenting On Track™ Home Program and our audio on “ Parenting Styles”.

[“First Chores? You Bet” By Rachel L. Swarns, New York Times Magazine, Published: February 21, 2009.]

(Authoritarian, Permissive and Democratic Parenting Styles are based on the many works of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, M.D.).