End Overparenting—One Problem at a Time
I recently read somewhere that today’s parents are, on the whole, guilty of hovering and acting obsessive, neurotic and all-consuming when it comes to their jobs as parents. I think that about sums it up.
The term used to describe this is “Overparenting,” and I think many parents would agree that they are guilty of this. When did it become popular for parenting to be a constant vigil of scrutinizing every detail of their children’s lives? It’s just crazy, if you ask me. So, what could one do if, say, he or she were guilty of this overparenting thing?
It’s easy: just back away. Ok, I think it’s easy, but I know that when you’ve inadvertently made your job as a parent stressful and demanding, it can be hard to just turn away. So, here is one place and one thing you can do to start the process of turning your children’s lives back over to them: Introduce—Problem Solving.
For those of you familiar with the Parenting On Track™ Program, you know all about Problem Solving and its place at the weekly Family Meeting. For those of you who don’t, here is a quick and dirty lesson (the long version can be found in Ch. 9 of the Parenting On Track™ Home Program).
Problem Solving is meant to be a tool for your children to use in learning how to become competent problem solvers, thus removing you (or your spouse) as a participant in their daily quarrels. If used regularly, Problem Solving will encourage your children to look for solutions, instead of fighting, and find the courage to follow through on agreements, instead of tattling or getting mad.
Here’s how it works:
- Children have a problem; they write it on the board. (Key here is that they describe the problem in one sentence—no-name, no-blame. That one skill, in and of itself, is worth a six-figure income.)
- At the meeting, one problem is picked and discussed, and then a solution agreed upon—by consensus. No majority rule here.
- The solution is tried for one week, with a discussion on how it went at the following Family Meeting.
Easy! All that matters is that you are no longer the referee of your children’s fights. The children discuss all aspects of their problem; all the children help come up with solutions, participate in choosing one to try, and then agree to use it during the week. In the end, you will have given your children power over their lives and allowed them to figure out what works best for them.
It’s not too late. Start today by adding Problem Solving to your weekly Family Meeting, and you can let go of some of the stress and control you’ve felt you needed to exercise over your children’s lives. Won’t it feel great to know that as you let go of controlling your children, your children are learning self-control? That sounds like heaven to me!
Posted in Invest In The Best
This is so important. Problem solving does help kids learn to be responsible and it builds self-confidence because they see that they have an impact in their world– they can get credit.
I would love to check out your program. Parents may also be interested in my book, Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking: Powerful, Practical Strategies to Build a LIfetime of Resilience, Flexibility and Happiness. There I discuss how kids can use problem solving and other cognitive strategies to overcome their distress about disappointments and frustrations that they encounter in the normal course of life.
Tamar Chansky
http://www.freeingyourchild.com
I have been doing family meetings for over 2 years now with my 10 year old daughter. They’re not always the most exciting, sometimes they just seem tedious and we have never been able to do the write down your problem a week ahead on a big piece of paper. I have stuck with it and am constantly amazed when I see my child start to implement some of these strategies. Last week, as I was having a temper tantrum (yes, that’s me the parent, not the child!) because my child “forgot” to do her cooperations, instead of joining in with me, she hung a notice up on the door and went to bed. The notice said: Emergency Family Meeting, tomorrow, time, who the chair was, what the agenda was. We met the next day, she led the meeting starting with Appreciations, apologized for her forgetfulness and we brainstormed together on how to remember. She at the age of 10 took an emotional situation and dealt with it in a peaceful and respectful manner (unlike myself at the age of 52). That is the gift of Family meetings and why I encourage everyone to stick with them. It takes time to learn but the rewards will last a lifetime.
Hi Jasmin- I know Vicki will have a comment of appreciation, and I just wanted to say, as well – Thanks so much for sharing! Your comment really touched me, I am often found saying I want to grow up to be just like my kids! Its a great feeling isn’t it?!
Jasmin,
I guess, at the end of the day, this is why I teach. Thank You!
Be Well,
Vicki
PS – Lucky daughter to have you as her mom. I know, I know, you are thinking that you are the lucky one, and of course as a mother I feel the same way, but remember – your daughter is lucky that she is being raised by such in intentional mother and she, that amazing 10 year old of yours, is going to go out into the world at 18 – prepared and ready – and that is because of you.
Big love to you both.
[...] the Family Meeting, everyone comes together to say something nice, choose contributions and solve problems. However, it’s not a free-for all of complaints. I’m just learning how but I see it [...]
[...] this week, we added the final component: Problem Solving. Basically we have set up a flip chart that the kids can write their problems on and then we, as a [...]