Homework Hell-p
In regards to Homework Hell-p!
I read a blog post not long ago by the mother of a 2nd grader who needed some guidance on how to help her child with homework. Without rehashing the entire blog post, here’s the gist of it. Her daughter had an assignment to do, and twiddled her thumbs for hours until mom started breathing down her neck; mom is now afraid that the child will flunk out of college and never learn a thing unless she continues to be the homework police, and, well, forget about dinner!
At the end of her article, this mom still didn’t have a strategy for how to deal with the homework issue. What she did have was a gut feeling that if she didn’t come up with a strategy for both her and her daughter, it could be a long 10 years. It was then that I realized, once again, that the parents who have participated in the Parenting On Track™ program wouldn’t have to experience this struggle.
For those of you reading this who don’t know about the Parenting On Track™ program, here are just a few things to consider…
First off, if this mom is anything like the parents who show up at a class I teach, she just might have a belief that children who dawdle while doing their homework will fail in school, won’t get into college, won’t get a good job and will lead a less than successful life. I know, it’s a little over the top, but these “beliefs” that we have can wreak havoc on us and on our kids’ lives. If you are one of these parents who have strong beliefs about homework, take a step back and remember that this child (or yours) is in second grade and working on the first big homework assignment of her life. Of course she is dawdling—she doesn’t really know what is expected of her yet!
Second, if mom wants to become the homework police—and stay the homework police for the remainder of this child’s academic career—then she did the right thing by breathing down her neck. And she better get good at it because she has at least another eleven years of poking and prodding to do. Ah, you hadn’t considered this, had you? That’s one of the pickles parents get themselves into. They create a habit, or a short-term solution to a long-term challenge, and find themselves doing things for years that started out as a “one time only” proposition.
What could she (or you) do if she doesn’t want to be the homework police and has better things to do than micromanage her daughter’s life? She could do—are you ready?—nothing. Yup, that’s right—nothing. At least for a while. At least until she begins to understand more about how her daughter views homework.
This little second grader is never going to learn how to manage her time or how she best gets things done without figuring that out herself. Our kids don’t learn time management because we tell them which assignment to do, when to do it and how it should be done. They learn by not turning in an assignment, dealing with the aftermath and then coming up with a plan so that it never happens again. (Okay, if it never happens again at 45, you can consider yourself a success.)
My recommendation to this mom? Relax! Your daughter is only in second grade and has a long time to figure out how to manage her time to get everything done. Let her dawdle and doodle, and let her get a C or an F on the assignment. You can be sure that learning is taking place and, after all, isn’t that what school is for? Instead of standing over her shoulder, you will be free to… do what you like, including having the resources to be happy, friendly and available for your children if they happen to experience disappointment as they learn.
Posted in Discovery
This is helpful, but what if you have a special needs child (also in second grade) who has problems organizing her work, getting focused on the task at hand and basically a real hard time learning the concepts expected in the homework (all due to the child’s particular medical condition)? Would the guidance be the same? Thank you!
Hi,
I understand how frustrating it can be when children have special needs which makes an already difficult situation (homework) even more challenging.
However, the same approach will work with a bit of tweaking. The most important thing is this – Observe. Observe your child when they are at their best, when they are feeling confident, when they are tackling a challenge. Watch what skills, strengths, abilities, insights they may have that can be overlooked. Learn from your child before you try to teach. Then…
1. Keep in mind your child’s unique abilities and how these abilities will assist the child in this situation.
2. List their strengths so that you put together a system that draws on these strengths.
3. Set realistic goals for yourself and teach your child how to set goals for herself.
4. You mentioned 3 things – organization, focus, concept learning. Break each one of these down and begin to teach her about them outside of the homework environment. How does she organize? When does she organize, what does she organize, how long can she organize before she gets frustrated, etc. This is your starting point. The same is true with focus on conceptual learning.
5. Go slow. If you are familiar with the Road Map concept in the program, use this to help you plot a course, identify and acknowledge progress and improvement; set milestones for celebration and create new Road Maps as your child progresses through her academic career.
Be Well,
Vicki
I think I have the opposite problem. I don’t want to be the homework police and certainly don’t even know how to do today’s math so I leave my 10 year old alone with it. And it seems like the constant message from her teacher is that she has trouble turning in her homework, she doesn’t finish it, its done halfway. The teacher has consequences like staying in for recess, but guess what – my daughter told me likes to stay in for recess! I think she likes the one on one attention. So I am wondering how does she learn to do her very best and try harder to succeed instead of just being okay. Always barely meeting the standards. How do I teach her that working hard brings real rewards? and that she should try her best in all that she does without nagging and criticizing because we know that doesn’t work!
Hi,
I know it is important for today’s parents that their children “do their best”, that “hard work” pays off, but let’s get real here.
Your child is 10. Can you give her another 10 years to learn a lesson some 30 year olds NEVER learn?
Here is what you can do.
1. Acknowledge that her solution is perfect for her. Why not stay in if you don’t like recess. Beautiful. So celebrate her ingenuity. HMMM – I think she is “doing her best” in this situation, it just doesn’t match with what you want.
2. Keep talking with her by asking her questions about “best work”, “hard work”, etc. She needs to make a connection for herself in order to use this information. Your experience doesn’t mean anything to her. So be creative and keep looking for that opportunity that will have her experiencing her own “aha” moment.
Keep me posted.
Vicki